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    #1

    what a load of rubbish I spout...

    Now as you know there was I on Sunday, saying see you in 28 days sober. I have failed at the first bloody hurdle. I am on antibiotics cos I have a severe infection, no doubt by pouring alcohol down my throat over the past twelve days and smoking. So I felt ill. Am on painkillers. Was fine yesterday and Sunday for that matter, I was too ill to function properly. So today I had to go out and pay my bills. It took strength as I have a temperature. But like the martyr I am - I did it. Then went shopping for some groceries to recluse in my happy home and just get better. I taped Roman Polanski's Oscar winner the Pianist so was looking forward to feeling sorry for myself under the duvet with some home made soup and rye bread and just staying sober. Some wonderful recipes were coming to mind, I even bought some Jerusalem Artichokes such was my resolve. Then had to go to the local post office and this almighty feeling came on of the red wine warmth. I did the sin. I bought a bottle of wine. Now no intention of getting any more. But here was I telling you all - 'that is it' I am stronger and I have a plan. Well I did and I do, but what and why have I done this?? I am so angry with myself. 3 days and wham straight back. Am I mental??THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO NEED TO TELL ME THE ANTIBIOTICS WILL BE COUNTERACTED BY THE WINE, I KNOW THIS AND I AM ILL SO WHAT ON EARTH IS WRONG WITH ME. SHOULD I BE LOCKED AWAY IN SOME MADHOUSE???? OR GO TO LIVE IN A MUSLIM COUNTRY WHERE ALCOHOL IS A SIN??? HONESTLY I AM SO AT A LOSS.
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    #2
    what a load of rubbish I spout...

    No you are not mental. If my husband had not been with me all day yesterday, I think I would have bought me a bottle of rum. I wanted it bad. I found myself being ugly to him for no reason. I woke up this morning glad I didn't drink and understanding my ugly mood from yesterday. I was blaming him that I didn't go get my rum. So for him to just be there stopped me from getting some rum.....I sure did want it.

    We can do this. :l
    RUM IS POISON AF since 09/28/09

    "The hangover last a lot longer than the buzz!!!" quote from FloridaBoy

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      #3
      what a load of rubbish I spout...

      No you are not mental, just human. Humans make errors. Put it down to experience, carry on. Dont get angry, get even! Learn that this was a trigger and maybe try and avoid it for a few days. I am knew to this (site) but much familiar with drinking when I had promised myself I would not on many a satuday nights. I know this much, all you can do is start again..........much encouragment, from Moo
      "The greatest thing in the world is not so much where we are,
      but in what direction we are moving."

      Comment

        #4
        what a load of rubbish I spout...

        Maddy, I'm sorry the plan you put into place was not effective, or not the right one for you. But learn from it, right? I am not sure that coming to MWO was a bad thing for you... for so many people, it is a very important part of a plan for sobriety. The key is to come here and talk about what is going on BEFORE buying the wine, and the way to be sure you do that is to (a) keep a careful eye on your thinking, all the tricks your mind plays on you, and (b) come here and talk about what is going on with you BEFORE you begin drinking. So: what do you say? How do YOU think your plan needs to be changed? Read through the "tool box" thread, and think about it, OK?

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          #5
          what a load of rubbish I spout...

          tHANKS ALREADY i AM SEEING, BUT i HAD TO COME ON HERE, TO THE ONLY ONES WHO UNDERSTAND. LIKE YOU APRIL MOON, I HAD A LIFT ON MY EX TO THE SHOPS AND HE KEPT ON COMING UP THE AISLE WITH SOMETHING ELSE FOR THE BASKET AND I COULD FEEL MYSELF GETTING ANGRY AND SAYING 'LOOK WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO THE CAR'. TROUBLE IS I NOW LIVE ON MY OWN MOST OF THE TIME AND THE DOGS JUST DON'T HAVE THAT POWER OVER ME.

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            #6
            what a load of rubbish I spout...

            WIP THANKS FOR THAT. TROUBLE IS WITH ME, THIS LITTLE DEMON STOPS ME COMING ON HERE. IT IS LIKE 'OH REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID 28 DAYS' AND THIS MORNING I WAS SO HAPPY TO THINK AH 28 DAYS AND I SHALL SAY 'I HAVE DONE IT'. I AM TRYING TO THINK OF WHAT THE TRICK IS FOR ME, BUT SO RESPECT WHAT YOU SAY AND FULLY UNDERSTAND IT. I DO FEEL VERY MUCH ALONE AT TIMES, ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE COMPANY IF I NEED IT, I SHUN IT. BUT I WILL LEARN - THIS IS ALL PART OF IT AND I AM FAR MORE IMPROVED THAN I WAS WHEN I FIRST APPEARED ON THESE BOARDS, I JUST WANT TO BE PERFECTLY DRINK FREE. WILL TAKE YOUR ADVICE...:thanks:

            Comment

              #7
              what a load of rubbish I spout...

              AND THANK YOU MOODERATOR. THAT IS VERY CLEVER, COS I THOUGHT YOU WERE THE MODERATOR. THANKS FOR THAT.....

              Comment

                #8
                what a load of rubbish I spout...

                maddiva;556235 wrote: tHANKS ALREADY i AM SEEING, BUT i HAD TO COME ON HERE, TO THE ONLY ONES WHO UNDERSTAND. LIKE YOU APRIL MOON, I HAD A LIFT ON MY EX TO THE SHOPS AND HE KEPT ON COMING UP THE AISLE WITH SOMETHING ELSE FOR THE BASKET AND I COULD FEEL MYSELF GETTING ANGRY AND SAYING 'LOOK WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO TO THE CAR'. TROUBLE IS I NOW LIVE ON MY OWN MOST OF THE TIME AND THE DOGS JUST DON'T HAVE THAT POWER OVER ME.
                If I lived by my self, I would have drank last night. I know that. Nothing triggered it, I just wanted it. I want to get over the wanting to drink.....

                The days up until yesterday were okay, but for some reason yesterday was a hard one.

                PM people, get on chat the next time you think you might get wine. That's my plan anyway.
                RUM IS POISON AF since 09/28/09

                "The hangover last a lot longer than the buzz!!!" quote from FloridaBoy

                Comment

                  #9
                  what a load of rubbish I spout...

                  maddiva;556240 wrote: WIP THANKS FOR THAT. TROUBLE IS WITH ME, THIS LITTLE DEMON STOPS ME COMING ON HERE. IT IS LIKE 'OH REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID 28 DAYS' AND THIS MORNING I WAS SO HAPPY TO THINK AH 28 DAYS AND I SHALL SAY 'I HAVE DONE IT'. I AM TRYING TO THINK OF WHAT THE TRICK IS FOR ME, BUT SO RESPECT WHAT YOU SAY AND FULLY UNDERSTAND IT. I DO FEEL VERY MUCH ALONE AT TIMES, ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE COMPANY IF I NEED IT, I SHUN IT. BUT I WILL LEARN - THIS IS ALL PART OF IT AND I AM FAR MORE IMPROVED THAN I WAS WHEN I FIRST APPEARED ON THESE BOARDS, I JUST WANT TO BE PERFECTLY DRINK FREE. WILL TAKE YOUR ADVICE...:thanks:
                  Maddy, there is no demon within you that YOU cannot control. Truly, truly, it is all up to you.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    what a load of rubbish I spout...

                    i KNOW WIP. BUT I DO WANT TO CONTROL THE DEMON. I AM JUST NOT SURE WHY AND HOW IT ATTACHED ITSELF TO ME. I HAVE BEEN ON THE TOOLBOX THREAD AND AM GOING TO BE READING THAT FOR SOME WHILE. MAYBE IT IS DUE TO LACK OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT I WAS UP MOST OF THE NIGHT WITH HORRIFIC EAR INFECTION, SO MAYBE IF I JUST WENT TO SLEEP. MAYBE I ASSOCIATE DRINK WITH SLEEP.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      what a load of rubbish I spout...

                      Mad,
                      You said you were on painkillers. I can't take painkillers. They really trigger the drinking for me. Just a thought.
                      AF since 7/26/2009




                      "There is nothing noble in being superior to other man. The true nobility is being superior to your previous self."--Hindu proverb.

                      "Sobriety isn't a landing but rather a journey." anonymous

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