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Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

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    #1

    Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

    My BF is in denial!!
    She knows the choice I have taken with regards to AL and I feel that being my ex-drinking buddy I do know her very well -- she does not think she has a problem with AL and I don't know how hard I should push the issue. BTW her hubby is just as bad and agree's with her.

    Yesterday she popped around to visit, which normally I discourage during the week as in the past it would always turn into a bender for us. She arrived at 4:30pm smashed!! She was bored so popped in to the local pub for a "cup of coffee" and spotted someone she knew so had a few glasses of wine. The scary part is she drove here with her 5 year old in the back seat with NO seatbelt on!! She proceeded to call her husband every vile name under the sun. She drank what ever she found in our bare cupboard and proceeded to crap all over her baby for wanting dinner!!
    Come on, surely something must be done!! I am so frustrated with the situation and also so very sad. I am trying my heardest not to be judgemental but I know I am failing.

    The cherry on the cake for me was this morning I recieved on of those "dof" e-mails where you fill in the information about yourself and send it back to your friends. Have a look at a couple of her answers......

    Your favorite thing? Parties
    Your dream last night? Crazy
    Your favorite drink? Wine
    Your dream/goal? Dunno
    What room are you in? Office
    Your hobby? Drinking
    Where do you want to be in 6 years? Dunno
    Where were you last night? Out
    Where do you go to over and over? Bars

    As a friend when do I say enough is enough?
    "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it"
    Tags: None
    #2
    Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

    Very hard one, hon. You KNOW we can't change others. Speak to her gently about her babies' welfare, but you are not the hlep she probably needs now. You may have to cut your ties with her, to save yourself. Right now, you MUST be selfish.
    sigpic
    Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
    awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

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      #3
      Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

      are you deebee boy freind posting as her !!!!

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        #4
        Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

        Deebs, that is the pitts. I dont blame you for being at the end of your rope with her. I think Rubes is right, you may need to cut your ties, she needs to realise that her drinking is having consequences, for her own sake and the sake of her family.
        Living now and not just existing since 9th July 2008
        Nicotine Free since 6th February 2009

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          #5
          Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

          this is extremely difficult. If she will not accept she has a problem, its unlikely you will convince her of it.. Likely she would either laught it off or deny it and get angry of confronted. She has to come to it o her own as you know.

          maybe as stated above, you will have to cut ties for now ...you are the most important.....but make it clear you are there for her if she wants help in this regard.

          If you are really worried about the childs welfare, maybe you need to act on this....it only has to go wrong once....


          good luck...moo
          "The greatest thing in the world is not so much where we are,
          but in what direction we are moving."

          Comment

            #6
            Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

            Hi Dee
            I agree with what the others have said. She may have to hit a bottom to take a look at her drinking. What concerns me is the welfare of her child. As an RN, I am obligated by law to report such things. Very difficult situation Dee. My heart goes out to you.
            "Decide-Which Voice in Your Head you Can Keep Alive" (Shinedown)

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              #7
              Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

              dee
              wally is very wise. if she is your bf, it is difficult to cut all ties with her, but at the same time she could be a threat to your sobriety. early time play dates are a good idea, times where there will be no al.

              and again what everybody else said about the welfare of the child. this, i think you cannot let slide.

              i am not al free and thank god i haven't gotten so reckless with my kids - yet that is. but i do think, or i would hope, that if i did, a friend would be able to mention it to me at some point when i was sober. just to say 'look, your child was in the car, no seat belt, you drinking. you could land in jail - and a lot worse. i love you and this is why i need to say it to you'.

              it is hard to do without being judgemental. but i did read in a book the other day where people who got sober and stayed sober did say that they were surpriseds and did wish that more people would have said something to them. and i am sure your friend feels all t hese things deep down anyway. best of luck to you
              no time like the present

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                #8
                Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

                Dee...take care of you first...your friendship may have to go on the back burner for awhile.
                I think your friend has already shown a lack of compassion for what you are going thru.
                nothing is more important right now than that you take care of you. If she is truly your friend there will be time to reconnect later...when you are a more solid ground...just my thoughts, for what they are worth ????...
                sigpicEyes on the PRIZE, a SOBER Future !!!

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                  #9
                  Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

                  I didn't say anything in my post about the child welfare issue, tho I almost did. That opens a whole different can of worms. Everyone is absolutely correct, they are endangered. The problem is how this is handled where you are, and how far you are willing to become involved. It will almost certainly end your friendship immediately, and you may be called on for your testimony. In many, if not most cases, the children are soon returned to the home, if they are ever removed. This is THE VERY DIFFICULT part. I, personally, too, would have to report it. But that is for you to decide. The only cut-and-dried issue is she is endangering them, frequently. What can you live with in this situation, and what can your sobriety stand? How I would deal with it could be very different from you. Good luck dear, and keep us updated.
                  sigpic
                  Never look down on a person unless you are offering them a hand up.
                  awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, Being creative, being Unique, being you - changing things to the way YOU know they can BE - Living the Life you Always imagined.awprint:

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                    #10
                    Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

                    (((DeeBee)))

                    I agree w/what everyone else said. Sometimes drinking buddies can't be buddies once they stop drinking. And you would beat yourself up if you knew your friend was driving drunk and something happened to her and/or her child, hindsite can bite you in the ass.:l

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                      #11
                      Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

                      Those are my thoughts, too, Deebs. How do you feel about reporting this? Driving drunk is bad enough, putting a child's life in danger...what kind of life does this child have? Can you report this anonymously?
                      Lila

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                        #12
                        Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

                        And why is she coming to you? Is she reaching out for help, or just being a jerk? Have you talked about MWO?

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                          #13
                          Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

                          I get gob-smacked when she tells me that her daughter is "everythng" to her... HELLOOOO, you are driving drunk stupid woman!!
                          Arrgghhh. What frustrates me the most is that I used to be just like her, but I've seen the error of my ways.... I suppose I just wish with all my heart that she finds her way out of this soon, before someone gets hurt.

                          Reporting it won't do anything I'm afraid. Unless the child welfare get involved and start watching her, but even then they have bigger fish and I doubt they'll do anything constructive.

                          Thanks for your replies. I think I knew the answer all along but just needed to hear you guys agree with me.
                          "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it"

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                            #14
                            Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

                            I have told her all about MWO, about the programm and how it has saved me -- she can see the difference in me but she is not interested and feels that I went overboard and didn't have a problem in the first place.
                            "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it"

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                              #15
                              Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

                              DB I can really relate to this. My closest friend and now ex drinking soulmate worries me loads.

                              The level of denial she is in is enormous and yet I can't be judgmental as I was there just a short time ago. AL is a laugh; it's funny falling over in front of the children; not being able to remember what happened; sending late night emails to people you don't know. A part of me still sees the attraction that held for me I'm ashamed to say. I love her dearly and need to let her find her own way through. She functions well as an alcoholic; if I get the chance I talk to her but I never push it too hard. She isn't hurting me in the way your friend is hurting you right now but I do feel sympathy for your predicament. Just wanted to say that Take care
                              AF since 19 January with a week's holiday last week. Today is AF day 1sigpic

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