Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

[jane jane]

Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

DB, I have not posted in ages, but I do pop in to read the threads occasionally, and this one really grabbed my eye (and heart.) You may have to let this friend go. In WSI/lifesaving they teach you that a desperately drowning person will try to pull you under, in their panic, and that's something to guard against when trying to save them.

You can't save her. You can pray for her, but that's about it until she makes the Big Decision for herself.

I had to say goodbye to two really good friends, years ago, when I realized that they were enabling me to drink too much---WAYYYYY to much---the way they did themselves. I wasn't judging THEM---I was judging MYSELF I just knew that I was powerless in their presence, because they were such delightful company, and it was fun to keep the wine flowing.

I tried to explain to each of them why I might not want to get together so often, and both were extremely offended. We still don't speak. One of them has been through a couple of (failed) rehabs, the other is a high-functioning drunk (like me, mother of two girls.) I miss their wit and conversation, but I don't miss the muddly mess my brain was when our evenings ended.

I have not stopped drinking. But I have stopped being around people who make "drunk" sound like fun. I wish them the best, and I know you are worried about your friend, but you have to save yourself first.

[Joanna]

Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

Janejane

I couldn't ditch my friend no matter what. I love her warts and all. She's been there for me and she's my rock. True I don't drink with her now and that was a fun part of our relationship but she respects me for that. It may get more difficult as the long summer evenings come on; I will need to be stronger before facing those!

Where we differ is in our view on AL. She doesn't really believe I have a problem although she won't admit it because our drinking habits were the same. And she doesn't want to deal with her stuff. She's in denial. But she does accept that I think I have a problem and in that she supports me although she continues to down as much as always. I know she's ruining her health she's a long term heavy smoker and deep down I hate it. But she's got to make her own journey for her own reasons and i won't ask her to change despite worrying about her.

[polaryzed]

Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

You'll probably kick me to the curb but . . .

I've been there with my cousin, who. One night, the one night that changed His life and so Many Other Lives Forever. HE went to the pub, got inebriated, got behind to wheel of his car, commenced his journey home and DROVE INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC. He KILLED a 17 year old GIRL.

He got a 3 year sentence and Only spent 9 months in Jail. Visiting him there with his wife and two small children was . . . I can't put it into words and . . . I have to Stop Myself from Screaming. . . Are you seriously saying your friendship is more important then another human life? I don't believe that you are . . .

I Impore you to Get on the phone and call the authorities. It sounds like your Friend is OUT OF CONTROL and has NO quams about drinking and driving with her child in the car. Your Friendship is NOT WORTH A HUMAN LIFE.

Let God Help You Make the Right Decision . . .

[peacenik]

Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

aw dee, i'm sorry.

you know what you need to do for you...trust your own feelings.

peace!

[YoungAtHeart]

Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

Dee Bee, I feel for you, but you may need to really curtail your time with this friend. I would be obliged to report this as well in my field. Your friend is not only endangering her child, but other people as well.

God watched over me by saving me from my own stupid behavior, but I've lost at least one friend to a drunken driver.

[veritas]

Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

Deebs, hi, what a horrible situation.

This is not about being judgemental and I really think that you feel as though you are between a rock and a hard place.
It is possible to put a call into "childline" and get possible input. It is very difficult to "prove" this kind of allegation and our social services in this country are so stretched
that you might end up shooting yourself in the foot.

The thing that blows me away is the fact that the husband is sharing the denial This is his child as well. Maybe it would be possible to have a serious talk to him and if it happens again, take way her car keys until he comes to fetch her.

[DeeBee]

Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

Wow, thanks for all the great feedback !!

Veritas, I have to ask... what are you doing up at that time of the morning!! LOL

I stopped communicating with my friend when I went AF as she was not supportive of me. I remember 4 or 5 months later posting how happy I was to have my friend back. She is such a wonderful and special person and so very important to me. I have cut her out of my life before and I'll do it again if I thought it would affect my sobriety.
I'm not so much worried about her effect on me -- her drinking games have lost thier appeal on me, but I worry about her and her little family. I am worried that by bringing in Childline it will destroy them rather than help -- if you understand what I am saying?
Surely if I can get my shit togther then so can she? She just needs a bit of a bit up the rear end!!
I feel empowered after going through so much the last 6 months and I want the same for my BF.

Well I have decided that I am going to sit down with her, during the day when she hasn't been drinking and I am going to tell her how concerned I am about her drinking. If she doesn't take it the way it's meant well then tough titty.

[Lila]

Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

That is the best, Deebs, talking to her. You sound like a true friend to her, and hopefully she will gravitate toward that. I am sure she is miserable inside.
Lila

[A Work in Progress]

Trying my damndest NOT to be judgemental BUT...

I hope so, Lila, and DeeBee... but, after taking a look at the little list that this friend wrote about how much she still enjoys and is devoted to drinking and "partying," and how little thought she is willing to give to the consequences... I doubt that she is ready for making any changes. I hope I am wrong. But sometimes having the kind of talk that DeeBee is planning, and providing the example that DeeBee is giving her, will plant a seed that someday will help her to turn things around.