Rough Night!

[hippie37]

I found myself last night with my head in my hands feeling like a near-broken man, fighting back the tears. I am still putting up so much resistance and the war in my head (Yes it's turned into full blown war now and not just a riot or battle) is draining me emotionally and spiritually. Not that I had much spirit left to break anyway!!. In all honesty I know I am looking too far ahead at this present time. I even had to break 'a day at a time' down one step further today just to keep me sober and was fighting hard not to pick up 'a few hours at time'. I just wanted some relief from my own head today even knowing that ultimately I would end up making things a thousand times worse tomorrow. I've gotten through the day OK with meeting up with a few different people at various times over the day and I'm heading to an AA meeting tonight to keep me from slipping tonight and getting caught up in my own head again.

What is it I'm so afraid of though? Why do I STILL sometimes see 'recovery' as another form of conditioning? I know for years I've tried to maintain my individuality but at the same type wanting to be accepted within a group. That conflict going on added with my current thinking is driving me mad. I feel there's this little anarchist/non-conformist inside my head wielding a big metal bar screaming "NO SURRENDER!". But he's getting tired and today was in need of a can of SUPER and a bottle of vodka.

Last night was probably one of the hardest nights I've had sober since I started getting more honest with myself but the support I've had today and will get tonight at a meeting will see me through.

Just needed to share amongst friends. Thanks for reading.

Love and Happiness
Hippie
xx

[kriger]

Rough Night!

Hipps,
So sorry you have so much to fight in your head....have you ever tried talking to a counsellor? A psychologist? I have been lucky in my fight against alcohol to have very little mental chatter but I can understand a little of what you are dealing with. The hypno tapes really helped with the mantal games for me, Hips. I'm glad you're here with us.....I support you all the way. Meditation has also been helpful to me to rid my mind of the mental stuff. I hope some of this helps. Love Ya, Krigs

[IAD]

Rough Night!

Hang in their Hippie ! Go to AA for support.......Be strong ! IAD

[A Work in Progress]

Rough Night!

Here's one way to look at it: your Inner Anarchist... is an alcoholic. And he will try to talk you into drinking, by telling you that you cannot be a "good anarchist" unless you are also drinking...

[Wish Upon a Star]

Rough Night!

Hipps, i'm sorry to hear your struggling. Stay strong, we are all here for you whenever you need us

Wishy x x

[Guest]

Rough Night!

What is it I'm so afraid of though? Why do I STILL sometimes see 'recovery' as another form of conditioning? I know for years I've tried to maintain my individuality but at the same type wanting to be accepted within a group. That conflict going on added with my current thinking is driving me mad. I feel there's this little anarchist/non-conformist inside my head wielding a big metal bar screaming "NO SURRENDER!". But he's getting tired and today was in need of a can of SUPER and a bottle of vodka.


Has that way of thinking EVER worked for you? Here you are at 39 still wrestling with the same bullshit that has got you to this point in the first place, instead of trying to 'conform' to the anarchist way , why dont you just try been true to yourself!

[cymru]

Rough Night!

These questions will always be asked by the alcoholic part of our brain. Its not going to disappear. Its how you deal with it. Have you got a sponser in AA. Talk to someone. Get on the 12 step programme if you can. Maybe cleaning out your personal closet is what you need Hips. Its time to let go of the past. Well, it was for me anyway. I was very open to the programme for the first time ever, and still am. It is helping me to move onwards in my life without the need or want for alcohol. Its hard work, and its taking alot to do sep 4 and 5, but I truely believe I will be able to live a reasnably happy life once I have finished the programme.
Whatever you choose mate, stay strong. Im here if you ever want to chat. You know that.

[gyco]

Rough Night!

hi hippie,dont kid yourself theres many of us here in the same boat,as you,i am,been contimplating drinking for days,finally went down today to see how my 6oz bottle of rye was doing and the buggers drank it on me,hahahaha,my son and maybe his girlfreind, or my other boy,just shook my head,b4 id hitale it out and get another,not today,the way i look at it now if im gonna drink i drink,stop beating yourself up,you havent,maybe at my age,now the desire is to drink is starting to deminish,slow and easy hipster,gyco

[irish eyes]

Rough Night!

Hey Hippie
Good post! Congrats for remaining AF last night, it is very difficult and you are doin the the right things. I know that I want to remain AF but if I continue to do what I have always done that is just what I get waht I always got. I know that I dont have to make a life time commitment. My plans may involve many actions and many risks, but I dont have to tackle them all today. I can take my time and move step by step at my own pace one minute at a time if I wish and you know what the impossible might become possible.

[hart]

Rough Night!

((Hippy)))

Good job staying sober and posting here. :goodjob::l

[Seacailin]

Rough Night!

Hey, Hipps
I have similar issues. I have always had the "chameleon conflict" in my head. How to be the real mean and fit in with others. That is where AL and drugs came into the picture for me. They took away my fear and made me fit it. Until the day came when I was drinking alone, a broken woman filled with fear. I have always prided myself on my defiance and my "question authority" attitude, but in this case, it will kill me. It is through surrender to my disease that I get a daily, even hourly reprieve, sometimes. I hate the battles in my head. The longer I stay sober, the less power that the sick part of my head has. I love ya mate. Stick with NA. It is a great program.

Great Post Oney!!

[YoungAtHeart]

Rough Night!

Hey Hippie,

Your inner anarchist will be more coherent and able to fight for the things that really matter to him/you when he doesn't have alcohol clouding up his/your brain.

I have a rebel inside of me, too, and I find that I can use those feelings much more effectively when I am not drinking.

Keep on trucking buddy. You won't lose your identity if you give up drinking. It was a fear that I had too.

[peacenik]

Rough Night!

when i quit smoking i told myself i don't want to be a slave to a fat corporate bastard who is making money off my slow suicide...

f*ck the man and his plan...even if the man is inside your head.

:l

[nancy]

Rough Night!

Hi Hippie

I think you are at a difficult age as am I. Your personality as a young man was always about being a nonconformist and an anarchist, but are you really like that now? You are a father now. I seem to remember reading something in one of Nabokov's books to the effect of there's nothing more conservative than a child.

Maybe your rebelliousness is going to take a new form, or you will mature and not care about anarchy as much. And maybe deep down you know that but you are finding the transition hard to cope with.

Life is all about change and there are some periods of our lives where there is MASSIVE change, even of whole identity. It's uncomfortable but you follow it and things turn out ok.

When you are young, nonconformity is often expressed through partying but how is it expressed as you mature and want to take care of your health and your child? when all your old party friends are now settled down? Obviously it would take a new form.

I don't think of recovery as nonconformist but it would make sense to go hand in hand with maturity.

So when you go to those meetings, keep your individuality. You are there for health, not to think the same way as everyone else.

Having said all this, I think WIP might also have a point in that this is the alcoholic in you persuading you to drink. It could take some other form, like someone inside saying: just once or you have had a hard day-- go on you deserve it! It's all kind of similar thinking.

Stay strong Hippie.

[cowgal]

Rough Night!

stay strong

Not much time to write too much, but I think you are strong for not giving in and drinking:goodjob:.............I usually do and it is not good...........stay strong and know we all care and love you..............:h

I do!!:l

Love,:h:h:l

MA