Can't cry, too much bottled up

[cjback]

Geeze, I had brief moments of tears but in many many years have not been able to "let it go". All the issues that have come, deaths, cancer scare, depression, loneliness etc etc and I can't seem to find a way to vent it? I think its from so many years of benzo's and booze that my cns system is depleted. I am afraid that one day I'll "snap". Exercise, yes I walk daily, but that too has been stifled due to my back surgeries. So having been a VERY active person, now no job, no outlets and now no escapes need to find something to release all this pent up emotion. Any suggestions? ( It's hard for me to sit long or stand, due to my back arthritis and herniations) I'm hoping this is just part of the "healing" process and once my mind settles down more the hope for a good life will return, along with the ideas and emotional stability to carry them out. It sure is a different world w/o the numbing sources! Hoping my condo sells soon so I can move closer to my Dad and brother, helping my Dad, who is 83 would be theraputic to us both. CJ:s

[InnerStrength]

Can't cry, too much bottled up

I totally understand CJ. It has been hard on me too - no escapes, way to vent, no way to just let it all go. I think this is really part of the healing process and I am sure it must get easier as time passes. We have spent so long escaping all of this by getting enebriated that now we have to face all those things we were running from....of course its scary, frustrating and more than a little annoying....we are here to listen though...and I know its not quite the same, but we care.....
Wishing you all teh best - message me anytime
Hugs
jen

[cjback]

Can't cry, too much bottled up

Thanks Jen!! My story

I guess it is the new "unveiling", yikes!! I get so angry at so much wasted time in the past. Making so many moves, literally, I've moved 4 times in the past 4 yrs! Now doing it again! In all, I started the move stuff after a horrific divorce in 1992 to follow the "sun"...left family to venture on my own and have been ever since. Struggled on unemployement in the new area and tried to be supportive of a very out of control 14 yr old daughter. Met what I thought was my "soul mate", married him, my mother shortly after died of cancer and my son was in states hands due to my previous husbands abuse. Now on my 3rd marriage and had a great job that was on the line to downsizing and my new "love" up and left me! he was using me and left me high and dry after 4 yrs. Leading me into a suicide attempt. On top of all the crapola I had medical problems, ovarian cyst, 5 herniated discs, rare skin disease to name a few. I regained my sanity and went back to my great job, brain fogged but with Gods' grace ended up being the top sales producer 5 yrs in a row! luck for sure as I had no college education not sales experience! Met a very wealthy man later on, severe alcholic, but my guardian angel! He financially saved my butt after my last surgery and job loss. If not for him I would have lost everything in the 3 yr disability law suit. My best friend, he is the one who just passed away. I moved from his area prior to his death to retreat in a cabin to regain my sanity. After a yr of that and solitude packed up again to move closer to where the whole mess started and here I am, but still about 2 hrs away from the starting point, so I don't know anyone here. People ask how I've been able to sell 5 homes on my own, move, have 14 surgeries, work with minimal income and still smile? I hope it wasn't just the meds and booze, that hopefuly I will be even better w/o the stuff? Maybe even make wiser decisions? certainly the men I chose where not very wise decisions, urgh, dumb in fact. Yep, reflecting now, sober, I would never put up with the verbal abuse I took! I guess writing this stuff out makes me feel better, knowing if I could do all that with so much baggage and survive, hmm, getting healthy maybe things will be a bit easier???? Thanks for listening to some of my story, needed to get it out, I have seen therapists, only to hand them money for what I just said to you all! they never gave me any advise!!! just saying take meds, nope not going there!!! that is what I feel created most of the past issues! Numbed me up to take more abuse! Hmm , kinda liking the real me now...feelings are ok, in fact we need them to direct us!!! Welcome feelings, hugs, CH

[InnerStrength]

Can't cry, too much bottled up

Wow CJ - I dont even know how I could possibly begin to say I understand because I dont. All I can really say is that I admire your strength and your courage for being able to survive everything you have been through. And while I am certainly not a doctor, just listening to your story makes me think that the fact you are having trouble venting might be because you have gone through so much that you dont quite know where to start. The fact that you have gone through so much, perhaps makes it hard for you to sort all of your emotions out, if you know what I mean...and I can relate to this.... Without getting into everything right now with my life (I really dont want to take anything away from you because I have a feeling that's what has happened with you your whole life), I can say this: I know how it feels to have SO MUCH that you feel you need to work through that you JUST CANT work through any of it BECAUSE WHERE DO YOU START!!??. It's almost like you cant get the "ball rolling" on your grief/emotions because you dont even know how to feel anymore - or how to deal with these things without the crutch of alcohol to take it all away. At least, this is how I feel.....
It's painful but I think - no, i am sure - it gets easier.....
Hon- when I read your message - I can tell you that I was so honoured that you took the time to tell me a piece of your story. Your story tells me this (and correct me if i am wrong) that you, throughout your entire life - have put other people first. That you have sacrificed your own feelings - your own happiness for other people. (I have done this too - my mother calls me a "pleaser"). I also can tell that you are a deeply good person who cares so much about people and wants to help people so much that sometimes this is to your own detriment (again, just like me).
I think that in time you will be able to feel. I think it just might take time to jumble through your emotions.

Anytime you want to talk to me, I want you to know that you are welcome to private email me or message me. You are stronger than "just the meds and booze" but they are certainly a convenient crutch at times, until we realize how disabling they can be in their own right, isn't that right?
CJ- I have complete faith in you. Thanks for taking the time to share your story with me. You are clearly a very intelligent woman. Things WILL get easier - for both of us - as we get healthier - even if they have to get a bit harder at first. But remember I am here and so is everyone else at MWO. HUGS!!!!!
By the way, I also like the 'real' you!!!
Jen