Getting rid of the cringe factor

[garlando]

I regularly get these flash backs of extremely embarrassing situations I've brought upon myself through alcohol. Like my boss sending me home once because I smelled like alcohol and turning up drunk for a tennis league match. (I just wanted to be relaxed for the match). These things happened close to ten years ago though, but still sometimes contribute to a binge.

I watched a chat show the other day where Marianne Keyes was a guest. She is a writer, but also an alcoholic. I've read her story and she is so detached from how she used to be. She was telling a story about some cream that she put on her legs to numb the pain from waxing and joking to the host about how she really shouldn't do it because she is addicted to everything.

The point that I'm trying to make though, is that it would be great to one day get to a stage where I don't care about the past, where people know that I had a problem and where I can joke about embarrassing stuff instead of cringeing.

My last 12 days was 10 AF and although I know that I am way off out of the woods, I feel that I am moveing towards the light. Now if I can only stop cringeing...

[DeeBee]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

Hi Garlando,

For me, it's not so much about "not caring about the past anymore" but more about accepting that it is the past, and moving forward.
I too had flashbacks when I first went AF and they were almost crippling they were so vivid -- and they hurt more than I could've imagined.
I was reading a book at the time which really helped me to come to terms with my past (The Journey, Brandon Bays).
Now when the past does catch up with me, I allow the thoughts in, and look at them almost as a third person, then let the thoughts go without judging.... if that makes sense.

Congrats on 10 days AF!!!!

[A Work in Progress]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

Good responses from Wally and DB. And I also think that it is maybe not all that awful to retain a bit of the "cringe factor," because it (for me) fuels the sense of importance, even urgency, about remaining vigilant so as to keep from starting down the gradual, insidious road to relapse.

[sunshine_gg]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

Garlando, my uneducated guess here would be that it's just too early to not cringe anymore. I do think that in time these feelings will pass and give way to gratitude. Give it some time. Give yourself some time to heal.

As for 'not caring' about the past... I'm not sure that's a good thing. We are probably well advised to care very much and remember what it was like at the peak of our drinking, so we will go back to that place.

I'm way over 30 days AF but can't bare the thought of anyone knowing what the deal was/is with me (people that didn't already know, I mean). And yes, I get that sick feeling in my gut, too, when I think of some drinking episodes. Not the kind of anecdotes you'd want to share at a dinner party.

.

[lilmea]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

I too had flashbacks when I first went AF and they were almost crippling they were so vivid

I had the flashbacks as well. I think they are part of the "drying out" process. I read a book called (woulda, coulda, shoulda by Aaron Beck) that helped me deal with some of those feeling. I've learned from reading other post here not to dwell in the past. But to learn from it. I do think you have to look at it almost as a third person.
Congratulations on 10 days! Hang in there it does get better.

[lilmea]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

I too had flashbacks when I first went AF and they were almost crippling they were so vivid

I also had flashbacks. I think it is part of the "drying out" process. I read a book called (woulda, coulda, shoulda by Aaron Beck) Which helped me deal with some of those past memories. I also read a lot of post here which helped me learn not to live in the past but rather to learn from it and move on. I do think you have to look at the past almost in the third person.

Congratulations on 10 days. Hang in there and stay close.

[veritas]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

I think that a lot of the cringe factor is also about accepting reponsibility. It's an uncomfortable wake up call, but its needed to keep us out of denial.

I was looking for a book recently and found a ton of hidden beer cans. No one else saw it, but inside I was cringing.

[Joanna]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

Marianne Keyes wrote a novel called Rachel's Holiday about rehab. I guess it was based on personal experience. Remember it was amusing if you have been an in-patient as I have. Must look it out again.

[Joanna]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

Agree with the point WIP made about keeping our cringe moments in mind especially in the early days. Whenever I might be thinking I never had a problem with AL I recall to mind a most public scene of humiliation last summer in which I behaved extremely badly in front of a bunch of uptight teetotallish fellow camping families. I will not go into details but there was physical violence towards me and young children witnessed it and I am truly ashamed. I will wheel it out for my mind to mull over whenever I feel tempted to reach for the wine bottle!

[dlw]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

I use my cringes to reflect - so that I hopefully don't go back to the "bad old days"
Good luck on 10 days- I celebrate 5 months AF (with one hiccup) on Tuesday
Everyday its gets a bit better- but Every once in a while the beast taps at my shoulder, with his temptation of evil. Keep your guard up and be strong

[garlando]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

Joanna;565202 wrote: Marianne Keyes wrote a novel called Rachel's Holiday about rehab. I guess it was based on personal experience. Remember it was amusing if you have been an in-patient as I have. Must look it out again.

I read Rachel's Holiday and loved it. All her books have a kind of aaaaaah-effect on me. Make me feel good.

Thanks for advice. I guess some things can't be funny no matter what way you look at it. WIll just be good to get to a place where I can face memories and not allow them to have such a negative effect.

For some reason I also have this need to not have all this secret stuff in my mind anymore. Therapist might be the answer.

[Waiting for his way out]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

This is very interesting and revealing to me. As my husband remains sober, for a week or two at a time, he seems to recall the sometimes unspeakable events that took place over the past 4 years and mostly the really terrible past 2 years. He says as he remains sober he remembers more and more and he apologizes everyday. I did not think it was possible for people to remember things they had done in the past under AL, there were so many black outs I thought those black outs would errase the memory.
For a long time I have been living with those memories and haunting words and thoughts alone and they have taken their toll on me.
I don't wish him the agony and pain of reliving the nightmares I lived and survived, but I hope doing so will help me finally understand what AL was doing and can do to a loving and gentle soul that he is.
Thank you for sharing, it helps me tremendously.

[Dolly Sunshine]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

A Work in Progress;565107 wrote: Good responses from Wally and DB. And I also think that it is maybe not all that awful to retain a bit of the "cringe factor," because it (for me) fuels the sense of importance, even urgency, about remaining vigilant so as to keep from starting down the gradual, insidious road to relapse.

You said perfectly what I was going to say. As uncomfortable as they are I'm glad the things I did still make me cringe b/c it keeps my problem so very real and doesn't allow me to think that I don't have addiction issues.

[dill]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

I guess we all have those moments we wish to forget, but are important to remember. Hopefully the feelings of pain and embarrassment will lessen, but the memories will remain clear enough to keep us on the right path.

[Doggygirl]

Getting rid of the cringe factor

For me, I believe it is critical to my sobriety to NEVER forget the most cringe worthy of moments. When I experience cravings, they usually come in the form of some glamorized version of drinking thinking. (i.e. how good a chilled glass of wine would taste in a pretty setting...etc. etc.) As an alcoholic, it is important for me to remember the WHOLE picture. The all consuming thinking of drinking that led to the first drink of the day. How fleeting and short lived the actual "pleasant" part of the buzz was. How quickly I moved on to being noticeably drunk, and worrying over my every word and move - was I slurring? Walking crooked? Could people tell I had been drinking? How can I sneak more into my glass? Which then leads to...drunken behavior - getting nasty with hubby, drunk dialing / e-mailing / posting, hopefully not driving, eventually passing out, often forgetting things, and then of course starting the next day with a bad hangover.

I need to remember ALL of it.

That includes the outrageous embarrassing falling down drunk stuff too.

We CAN grow in our sobriety to the point where these past events are just that - part of our past. But I never want to forget as that might lead to me putting down my guard which would lead to drinking and a REPEAT of this stuff. I would rather live WITH some vivid memories than relapse, and live THROUGH some repeat performances.

Best wishes,

DG