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**Mackeral** · August 5, 2006, 05:47 AM

I need advise!

Hey Shas,
I'm just like you.If one of the kids says something i take it to heart.5 mins later they have forgotten all about it and i'm still stewing over every word. Not just the kids though....Anybody.
Might have something to do with me drinking aswell...The constant worrying.
I also set goals to high, and make promises to myself and others that are gonna dam near nearly kill me to keep.

So what do we do?

What i have found in the past is that whatever i think is going on in other peoples heads (what they think of me)....The truth is usually the exact opposite.So i think i'v stopped trying to guess now.What i am getting at i suppose is we cant please everyone all the time.
When my eldest started noticing my drinking, i think that was one of the major factors in me stopping...Could'nt bare the though of her thinking bad of me.
I dont know if you should change? I would love to meet a few more people like you who wil put other people before themselves...even strangers...i know my dad is like that and i think the world of him for it.Maybe your kids think the same about you.
Dont know if i'v made any sense or made things worse.

Just keep plugging away Shas....
And look after yourself...............Wayne:l

**Going Strong** · August 5, 2006, 06:49 AM

I need advise!

Thanks!!

Aaahh! Wayne,
Thanks so much it's about 9.44pm in Oz on a Saturday night so it's bad time for me. Love the fact a guy replied as have heaps of issues about Dad`drinking! Maybe it's about time I healed myself.
Hugs & Kisses
Love Shas

**Going Strong** · August 5, 2006, 06:55 AM

I need advise!

Bye the way I have shared 2 bottles of wine with hubby tonight, he just thinks I should have more control (HELLLIOOOO) I don't think he has worked it out yet. Anyway, if the world ends tomorrow it's all my fault, coz I KNOW!

**gabby** · August 5, 2006, 08:28 AM

I need advise!

Ahhhhh Shas........
Huge hug to you. I can relate. Gabby
Mac....forget all those bad things I ever said about ya!

**gabby** · August 5, 2006, 09:24 AM

I need advise!

Ok Shas....Had to think for a second before my reply.
My phycologist would love to hear what I write on this (HA)

I really struggle with the same stuff. I think I am better tho. So I am trying to think of what has helped me. whew....but can I type it?

ok....so many places I could start. This is such a good topic. Glad you brought it up. I think we should really throw it out there.

But this setting expectations to high for ourselves sets us right up for failure and then drinkin. And when we blame ourselves for everyone elses shit, that somehow we had something to do with their failure.....we double doom ourselves. But then when the people who succeed....do we take credit for that???? ha, heck no. So how if we didnt have anything to do with that could we have anything to do with their failures? Ya know?

It really is a self talk thing and we HAVE TO...AND MUST change what we say to us. We REALLY DO believe us. There are so many good books on this, and it helps to read. Therapy helps too. Altho I went thru 3 before I got the 4th one that I feel I made the real progress with. It may just be my age or time in my life, I dont know. Or just when I was ready to start the changing. Being in a group helps too. Co-dependancy is the stuff. Blaming ourself for everything, not having boundaries of where other people end and where you start. There stuff has nothing to do with you and visa versa. YOU cant help what happened to them, nor can YOU fix it. But you have to teach yourself this. And it takes time. It wont happen by itself. Its like you have to start injecting it in your control panel. On a daily basis. Read, Read, Read. I can help with book suggestions if ya want. But I say start simple....like this:
(Believe me.....I no way have this stuff mastered, I have to tell me this stuff over and over again)

Anything that comes up in the day try to get in this habit, and its hard to do but...ask yourself....If I do this or listen to this or help with this or worry about this or what ever.... AM I HONORING MYSELF? Here's a good one....When I SAY THIS TO ME......AM I HONORING MYSELF? Or if I worry more about you and your stuff then my own stuff.....AM I HONORING MYSELF? Of course kids are excluded....for the most part. But even there I have to work on it. Here was anther one I had to teach me. My husband....goin off on me and I did nothing. Typical day....me...suck in to it, try to figure out what the hell I did so I could fix it, defend myself, prove my point that I did nothing, kids did nothing, he's the jerk, not us.....blah blah....OR.....ask myself....AM I HONORING MYSELF???....if I stand here and listen...or do I go away and buy myself a new pair of shoes on his cc. lol Anyway.....easy to type.....very hard to do. All re-programing of the control panel. Very hard and ya dont even know where to start. So heres something to do.
Every day.....get in the habit..... As stupid as it might sound. But do this every day. EVERY SINGLE DAY! Put your hand on your heart. (this may sound kinda hoakie but do it anyway) put your hand on your heart and tell it with love and compassion and all the truth that you muster up inside. That you WILL START TO HONOR YOU, AND YOUR HEART. Do it every day. Even if you dont think you are actually DOING it, just still do that simple little thing. Try to mean it as much as you can , but go through the steps every day. And every day, and every day! And before you know it....you just start doin it. Its amazing....That is self talk. Then you will see how powerful it is. Its like you didnt know how much you actually meant it. But it just starts happening. Your mind is telling your body what to do and it actually just listens. so after you do this and do this you get in the habit and you just start doin it. THEN its like you CATCH yourself doin it. And then is when you can actually see it work. So then.....you can start bossin yourself around a little bit. In a more conscience mind self talk yourself the positive stuff that we need to hear during the day. A lot of times that we seek out from others that we dont get and then feel shot down. Then typically start sayin the bad stuff to us. Ya know, when those other people never thought it, WE JUST THOUGHT THEY THOUGHT IT. We did cuz they didnt tell us what we wanted. So its up to US to hop in there first and say the good stuff to us (positive self talk) before we let the other stuff we THINK they thought that was WRONG start tearin us down. So instead of us being super woman and fix the world and everyone else.....I tell myself be a real woman....and fix yourself! Then go worry about everone else. So the good news is.....my list just got shorter. Cuz the me part will take the rest of my life.
Your mind is the strongest thing inside of you. I guess. Not a scientist here....just a regular person with kids, dogs, cats and head shit like anyone else. (sorry RJ I cussed, hope I'm not in trouble, sometimes ya just gotta)
Anyway.....this has gotton ridiculiously(sp) to long. I better keep the font small. Shas....we love ya cuz we know how ya feel.
Big hugs and loves. Remember......honor your heart, it will smile big!!!!! :h

Decided to change my font in my edit. Cant even read it myself. gabby

**Mackeral** · August 5, 2006, 09:58 AM

I need advise!

So here endeth the lesson from Dr Gabster...
Seriously Gabby....You make a lot of sense.

**mountainmama** · August 5, 2006, 10:48 AM

I need advise!

Hi Shas,
I am pretty new here, so I was happy to read your thread for advise. I could really identify with your feelings, as I am also always feeling as if I've made others angry, or they don't like me, or I'm just not good enough to be around them. My husband thinks I'm nuts half the time. The alcohol always helps me feel better about myself in that moment, but absolutely horrible the next morning. Thats when the guilt and the self loathing creep in, and I just don't think I want to play this game anymore. I'm thinking that I have some anxiety issues, and self esteem issues as well.

Gabby, your post was amazing. I am going to try to HONOR myself daily, and make this life count, because, we are all worth that, we just have to reprogram, like you said.

Have a great weekend, everyone.
Mtnmama

**gabby** · August 5, 2006, 11:03 AM

I need advise!

Mtmamma, Believe me....I think the stuff you wrote too. It felt good for me to write my post, and the re-read and edit. I'll need to re-read and maybe edit again. That is part of the injecting and injecting into the brain stuff. You have to keep on doin it and keep on doin it. And like if you stop you are almost guaranteed a relapse. The old tapes are sure to resurface again.
Anytime you let them have one little chance.

Recovery is hard and a never ending process. Weather it is recovery from any addiction or surviving abuse. Unfortunatally they are usually hand in hand.
I guess thats why they call it a journey. It really is when you think about it. Might as well strap in and get the most out of it. :l Gabby

**MKR** · August 5, 2006, 01:38 PM

I need advise!

Dear Shas,

congratulations on 6 weeks!! Wow!

Lots of wisdom here from Gabby, Wayne and Mtnmama!

I have been in the program since the end of March. The supps arrived after 5 days of abs and I continued for two weeks. I have been in mods since then. I found I floundered and I am a total perfectionist -eg if you can't do the program right?!! I am truly hard on myself for many things.

I finally ordered the book and cds after about 7 weeks. Though I did some of this half - a**ed backwards I decided in there - whatever I was doing was better than I was on March 27th. I didn't want to fail so I set the bar a bit lower than I normally would and stuck in the mods program. It has worked for me though as . . .

I am finally where I think about a drink sometimes but not that much, have a few AF days in a week and have allowed myself to have 2-3 drinks at a time but lately just haven't been in the mood for them. I like that feeling, somehow it gradually came to be. In my mods program though I not ony have exercise but I have one nice thing I do for myself in a day. We deserve a pat on the back for how far we have come.

I think it would be nice if you said to yourself - I will do one nice thing for myself everyday. As a treat.

Shas, YOU are incredible and I see you already know its time to lighten up on yourself!

I do things like a soothing herbal bath. my own pedicure, a facial, make a favorite dinner - read a book, take time for just me. Even if it is going to bed a few minutes extra early and giving myself postive affirmations!

Hugs to you all,
Mary

PS: Keep on swimming but wear floaties when you get too tired!!

C · August 5, 2006, 06:51 PM

I need advise!

For what its worth Sharyn....first I think you are incredibly strong, great & courageous & I really admire you. I think you are in the thick of it in your head. I think you need a therapist and/or anti-depressants, but most importantly a good female therapist. You have stopped drinking but you have not healed yet. You need to heal. It is deep. Best wishes & love & peace to you.

C · August 5, 2006, 06:58 PM

I need advise!

Gabby -- others --- all wonderful advice -- you are beautiful. I get excited & go right to my point sometimes.

**Going Strong** · August 6, 2006, 06:26 PM

I need advise!

Thank You!!

Thanks guys for all your thoughts and words of wisdom!! It is so hard to ask for help and when you get the help I get abit shocked that someone wants to help me. I am the big sister in my family that helps everybody so when I started to read your replys I cried and cried! And boy did it feel good afterwards.
Gabby, you constantly amaze me with your maturity & wisdom. How lucky are your boys to have you as a mum!!! I know exactly what you are talking about and I will start honouring myself.
Chrysalis, I am having councelling and it is helping.
Mary, its not truly 6 weeks of abs! I really wish it was!
So thanks again for all your love and support!
P.S. I like the large font Gabby, easier on the old eyes

You know I get frustrated all the time that I am not doing as well as I should but somehow, I do know I will get there.

**Guest** · August 6, 2006, 08:28 PM

I need advise!

Hey Shaz.
You know we could make millions if we could open a shop that would allow you to buy a purchase that could sort out the old brain cell activity - wouldnt we? I''m sure we can all relate to what you are saying.. the brain is one twisty place isnt it? Mine is a labarynth!!!!!

I could heed these words myself when I write..

We are where we are meant to be... and nothing in front of us is more than we can bear.
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

hang in there my friend.
Brigid

**cpn1004** · August 6, 2006, 11:39 PM

I need advise!

Sharyn 44 ...Forgiveness

Yeah, Forgiveness is a bitch. Especially when we need to apply it to ourselves. Like you and perhaps lots of folks here, I wrestle with this everyday. I am reminded of all the "bad" things I have done in life and gee..how unworthy I must be...etc...then finally grace enters the mental picture and I realize that all that crap was just an event, not who I am as a person. Gosh, we all make mistakes, but we can learn from them, grow and move. Some of us are slow learners I guess, but here we are among a common group that understands the everyday struggles of addictive behavior. So let's all cut ourselves some slack and move on to the next day, shall we?
Love and Peace,
Phil

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