Here goes..

[meditation mama]

Well, I gotta get it out, so here goes..

It is amazing how quickly your life can revert back to the same-ol'-same-ol' if you allow it. Someone smart said that..

I started drinking again early last summer and it didn't take long before I was back to my old drinking habits - drinking alone (which I promised myself I wouldn't do), drinking around my daughter (which I promised I wouldn't do), drinking and driving (which I promised I wouldn't do - and that was a big one), drinking only two glasses of wine (that went away the quickest), drinking only during the week (started finding way for my daughter to have play dates so I could drink - shame on me), etc., etc..

Two weeks ago I went on an overnight date (drank way too much, but so did he - not seeing him again), and got a call from my daughter, as she was staying at her Dad's. She called at 3AM!! They were both drunk and fighting. I was horrified as I was so far away and couldn't get her. I wouldn't have been able to anyway because I had been drinking. It makes me sick just to think about it - I couldn't have rescued her if she needed it! This drinking/fighting has been going on with them for the past year. Anyway, I told them they could not see her if they were drinking, they agreed and knew they both had to quit - which so far they have. But, I didn't - I kept drinking - what a hypocrite! Of the worst kind! So, two nights ago I got drunk.. not just a few glasses of wine, but drunk, and my daughter was home. I know what set it off, it was business, but no excuse! I drove to the store after drinking and then made her cry. I could not have felt more horrible. That was it for me. I couldn't believe I was doing this - again!. This is my daughter, my best friend. We have such an amazing relationship and I was blowing it - hard! This is NOT the example I want to give her. She looks up to me. She is proud of me, and now understands why I got a divorce. She admires my business and most of all she has become my friend. She tells me everything!! That won't last for long if I don't keep her respect - I know that. She is 12yrs old and starting to go through puberty. I have to be completely clear for this. There are times coming up (and I know it) that she will need to be rescued. We have talked about this. We have gone over all the scenarios of what she should do if she gets into to a peer-pressure situation, and how she can always call me for help without judgment. I will always be there to rescue her, I promised her. Well I certainly can't make that promise if I am drinking. I am her knight.. I'm all she has, damnit! I will NEVER be in a position of not being able to rescue her again!!!

But there is a second part to this story and that is me. I had been drinking to fit in. I really was surprised how welcome I was into some of the drinking-groups of people that I had always admired from afar. I didn't socialize with a lot of people except my ex-husband's friends and the few drinking friends I had when I was married and drinking. So, I took my new, thinner, blonde-self out into the social world and my ego was immediately puffed. Now, I know better than anyone how dangerous that can be - especially for me, but I went in full-force anyway. It felt good, but I can now say it never really fit. This was my false-self and I deep down knew it. But at the time it was a way for me not to feel lonely. I was not ready to be lonely yet. Then there is the whole dating thing.. dating, drinking and me do not mix! It is just too much pressure for me to watch my drinking under those stressful circumstances. I am seeing one man who doesn't drink and he is the only one that has made it to date two with me (in fact it has been 8 months). I don't like drinking and definately don't like drunk men. I left that for a reason. NOR, do I like myself drinking around men. I am not good at that and never will be - I know that!

Maybe it's spring, maybe it's just me finally saying it's OK, MM, you are OK. Not sure, but I know that I don't fit in that world (never did) and I am ready to find the one I do fit in. One without drinking.

So, on I surge.. Thank you all for being here for me. It was so nice to see you and the support has been very humbling. I hope I can give to you as much as I feel from you along this next leg of my journey.

Namaste,

MM

[rubywillow]

Here goes..

MM, you seem to have such wonderful perspective of your situation! I REALLY applaud you for seeing so clearly how dangerous some combinations are for you, but especially the dangers for your daughter. I deeply damaged my relationship with my daughter because I drank during her teen years, and now, we are still trying to recover. Good luck to you. I'm sending you all the positive thoughts I can, because I wish I could go back to your stage and have your chance again!
:wings: Rubes

[LVT25]

Here goes..

MM--

Stick close to us, and rework the program with all your heart! You are right, your daughter needs you now more than ever! If I may be so bold as to suggest you concentrate on rediscovering 'You" before you worry about adding new men to the mix. I know for me, I had to be very selfish and forgo a few social events for quite awhile too. I still have my days, but I'm a much better parent sober--I don't really know how I did it before--actually that was me being selfish!
I could go on and on, but just know you have my full support--stay close! :h

[meditation mama]

Here goes..

Thanks, LV.. I DEFINATELY plan do ax the dating scene for the forseeable future. I have such a blast with my daughter now. I am not ready for a man - I thought I was, but I am no where close..

No worries here; it is spring, I am in workout mode, I have a hysterical and fun daughter to spend the summer with, and I trust inthe universe to show me when I am ready. I now have the patience to wait..

xoxoxox

MM

[hart]

Here goes..

((((MM)))))

Hon, I know what you mean. I remember catching my stepson Evan counting all the beer bottles that I and his father had drank, just the nite before. It left me feeling ashamed. I remember conking out at 8 am while he was here and going to bed and Joe, drunk, sleeping in the couch just to at least be by him.

I'm on AF day 3. I want to do this. I don't like the pattern my life has fallen into lately. I also want Evan to have a better example. He's coming over this weekend and it's to see his father and me not drinking for a long while!

We Can Do This!!!! :l

[meditation mama]

Here goes..

Yes we can, HART!!!!!!!!! I'm with you sister.. We have been down this road before. How about we stop.. Patterns can be broken, fences mended, ourselves healed... Time to get it right, girlfriend!

xoxoxox

MM

[peacenik]

Here goes..

i hear you mm...my 11 year old daughter is my inspiration and joy. i promised her i would stop drinking wine...she didn't realize the extent i was drinking, but she knew something wasn't right. i too drank 1-2 bottles a day/night and was "hiding" it from her (not too well).

so it's been 85 days and i have kept my promise. it has gotten easier, but i have to stay vigilant and know that i can never have just one...never.

peace!

see you in the abbercisers thread!

[Ripple]

Here goes..

Mama, nice to see you back here.. i remember you giving me such good advice on my sleeping probs.. oh dear, crap happens to the best of us. We just keep trying until we get it right, it can take a lifetime, yet we know we have a problem with the damn booze. Keep it in check is better than letting go completely!!!

YOU will be alright, because you WANT to be!!!

Love ya Ripples.. :l :l

[Doggygirl]

Here goes..

MM, thank you for sharing in such a heart felt way. It has always been obvious that you love your daughter more than life itself. How isidious is alcohol that it can come between us and a love like that????? Anyway, it's so good to have you back here with us on this journey.

I don't have kids, but I will never forget the night last fall when one of our dogs ran headlong into a tree and was paralyzed. I was already in bed (I go to bed / get up early and Mr. Doggy is a later night/get up person). Mr. Doggy woke me up and I was SOBER and able to be of help as we figured out what to do. Time was so critical. She is alive and walking today because we were able to think and act in that situation. Even with Mr. Doggy here to do all the thinking and acting if he had to, I shudder to think how I would feel today if I had not been "available" to help. And who knows if the outcome would have been the same for Kimba.

There are so many great reasons not to drink, but being *there* for our loved ones in times of need is really up there on my list! Your daughter will be so proud of you and you will have so many great memories of her teen years.

DG

[sportster06]

Here goes..

Mama,

I promise you, quitting will be the best gift you could give to your daughter, and to yourself. When she is grown and you can look back and know that you did the right thing, you will take great comfort in it. I quit when our kids were quite young, so they wouldn't know the same kind of childhood I did and I was sober for eight years, until they were out of the house and on their own. Then I decided it was my turn again and began drinking in moderation. Well, that concept has gone down the proverbial crapper. Our daughter is now 25 and moving home this weekend to continue her nursing degree and guess what? I'm quitting again. Even though she's grown, she still needs me to be there for her and I want to be the very best mom I can. Just like you do. I can sense you love your daughter dearly which will help you get through this. You WILL be able to do it. They are young for such a short time and each day is precious - although when they get to be around 15, you might not think so! But this too shall pass. Please know you are not alone. I'm pulling for you. You will make it work.

[Guitarista]

Here goes..

Hiya MM.
I've always enjoyed your posts, and your warm nature, and common sense that shines through.
Great post. Go for it. There are NO negatives in being sober!..................G.

[trixietrack]

Here goes..

MM you are doing it already. you caught yourself and now it is a new start. lots of support going your way from this side of the galaxy