Mom moved in

[DMcDesigns]

Hi again,
Many of you won't know me. I don't post very often. I'm one of the old, old timer's. I was just congragulating myself in June for my 1 year anniversary and now I'm about to fall to pieces. My 81 year old mother moved in with me about 6 weeks ago. Plus we've been in the process of selling our home and buying another! We close on the new place the 25th of this month. My mom has Parkinson's and heart disease and can't be left alone so I'm pretty much with her 24/7. I'm up 3 times a night because she can't get to the bathroom by herself. I'm so tired! Plus we've got doctor's appointments and physical therapy... not to mention packing! Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to have my mother here. If she didn't come here (she was in a nursing home in Texas) she would probably not be alive right now. I just did not realize I would totally be giving up MY WHOLE LIFE. But the bad thing is... I've started drinking again. I woke up this moring with my first hang over in more months than I can remember. I don't have time to go to the gym. I have NO time to listen to my CD's anymore. Forget having a full night's sleep. I can't even listen to the sleep learning CDs anymore because I sleep to soundly and I won't wake up when she calls me! I A WRECK. And I know this can't last. I mean I know this isn't going to be good for her in the long run. I'm looking into Adult Day Care , but that does not solve the night issue. But at least it might get me to the gym again. She hated the day care. But I'm going to have to treat her like a child. It's so hard when it's your mother though. A child you can boss around. Your mother bosses you around! Anyway, thanks for letting me vent. I'm going to try to cut back my drinking tonight. I could tell it was creeping up on me. It just felt so GOOD! The hangover, however, did NOT. And I do not want to transgress.

Thanks again for allowing the vent.
Donna

[gabby]

Mom moved in

Oh Donna,
I dont know what to say except that I read your post and my heart goes out to you. I'm so glad you wrote. Its gotta be so hard to be in your position. Somehow think of all that progress and growth that you made and swoop it up in a bag and hold on to it until the rest of the answers come to you. Meanwhile stay here on the boards and let us all keep on rootin ya on while your on the rough waters. Its just so hard when its your Mom. Be thinkin about you. gabby

[I Like Brandy]

Mom moved in

Hi Donna;

It has been a very long time since you've posted regularly. Good to see you back. You have been successful with everything, and you will get through this. Try to come back more often if you can. There is alot of love and strong support here.

:h Brandy

[Guest]

Mom moved in

Welcome back, Donna!
I do remember you from before as well. I've been here since Feb. You are a person for us to look up to for advice about getting that long term sobriety. You did it for a year and can get there again!
I'm sorry to hear about the difficulty with your mom. My mom is going through a similar thing with my grandma, and it is taking a toll on her emotionally and physically. She has even broken down to me a couple of times, and gotten oversensitive about certain situations (ie: us not visiting her enough... sigh). Anyhow, my mom and my aunts and uncles are split 50/50 about whether or not it's time to have grandma go into a retirement community with nursing care. It's the dementia. Her physical health is ok, really, but her short term memory is essentially gone.
I also do a lot of home care, and see those caregivers struggle with the exact same emotions as you are struggling with. Sometimes, everyone is better off when they come to the peace of knowing that EVERYONE in the situation would be healthier and happier if the loved one in question could have a higher level of care provided by a retirement/assisted living/nursing home. It's tough, probably one of the most difficult decisions that we will have to make.
You say your mom would probably not be alive if she were still in the nursing home? What happened? (if you want to share... Ok, if you don't). I'm so sorry it was a bad situation. Probably lack of adequate care? Low staffing/ overpopulated building....unfortunately that happens too much with our healthcare system. But there ARE good facilities out there.
If your mom does stay with you, Could you maybe look into having a caregiver come into the house? I know there is an agency here called Comfort Keepers, another one called Home Instead, and several others here in Ohio. They can provide short bouts of care per day, or all the way up to 24 hr care. Maybe that would give you a break if she hates the adult day care. I hope you find a solution! Thinking about you.

Your slippy with the drinking reminds me of Brigid's post about the streets and falling in the hole... You KNOW how to get yourself out and can do it quickly this time! I'm glad you came back here ASAP to vent.
I slipped too for a few wks here, and am going straight to abs for a longer period of time than I've ever tried, rather than lingering in drunk/hangoverville! Scary when you don't know "your way out!".

Hope I didn't blab too much. I'm sure you've mulled over this stuff a bazillion times in your mind.

OH! Just had a bit of a brainstorm about the middle of the night thing. I'll mail it to you though. Kinda personal!

TAKE CARE,

[YoungAtHeart]

Mom moved in

We're Here for You, Donna

Hi Donna,

I won't go into a long thing because everything that everyone else has said makes a lot of sense. I remember you from before, too, and I am so glad that you came back when you slipped. You have accomplished so much, and that can't be taken from you. I hope that we can provide you with the support you need to resolve this situation and take charge with your mom--as difficult as I know that can be. I fear that some of what you are now facing is in my future too. Stay close!!

Kathy

[Guest]

Mom moved in

Hi Donna. You were in that bunch of people who turned my life around... I'll never forget you and I'd like to bet your drinking isnt as it was over a year ago - even if it is creeping up. Your head is still in a different space even if you are having something to drink. When things get to be too much asking/demanding help can be the hardest thing. It seems kinda fruitless posting here on options that I"m sure you are looking into anyway.

I hope that you get the support that you need for your mum and I hope you can find the support you need either her or elsewhere for the drinking.

With lots of love
Brigid

[cjback]

Mom moved in

Welcome back Donna, I am a "newbie" and glad to hear of someone who made it a yr!!!! Stress...oh boy can I relate! especially the no sleep deal!! All I can suggest to add to all the other great advise is try hard to give yourself some "escape" time. Be it, exercise, something fun to do etc my heart goes out to you for having the love and strength to give your mom!! I know my kids would never do it! (but I would) Just don't let the stress be an excuse to give in to any destructive coping, that would just make things harder in the long run. Be good to yourself!!! hugs, cj

[deanie]

Mom moved in

Hi Donna,

I am relatively new here. Day 35 on mods. I just wanted to reach out and let you know all of us are here for you. Everyone has echoed the same message. I wanted to say that smart people ask for help. You did good coming back here. I applaud you. You are in a tough pickle right now. You know what to do. Reaching out here is great. We all identify and send you positive energy. My only additonal thought is for you to be sure you take care of yourself, however you need to arrange that. You cannot care for your mom and handle all the other issues of your life right now, if you don't care for you. If you are not okay, all the other stuff won't be either. Do what you must to preserve your health and sanity. We are all pulling for you. Stay in touch.

Peace,

Deanie

[vinophile]

Mom moved in

Boy can I relate

Donna,
Your post stirs up so many emotions for me. My Dad recently passed away at 85 and needed 24hour a day care.He too would have died if we put him in nursing home so I'm glad we were able to arrange for care at home. My mom lives in her home but suffers from dementia and I will soon have to make some serious decisions regarding her care.It is so hard as we all know that these are not situations that are going to get better. My heart goes out to you. Be proud that you have stepped up to bat and taken your mom into your home. Many people would not have made such a serious sacrifice.
There is great advice above and I'm sure you have investigated part time home health care. Most importantly remember that you must take care of yourself. Before a flight takes off the flight attendant will always remind us that in an emergency we must put the oxygen mask on ourselves first in order to help our own children or the people around us. I think we have to adopt that attitude in life. If we can't breath how can we help those around us? I'm sure your mom would agree.
Good luck to you.
Janet(vinophile)

[YoungAtHeart]

Mom moved in

Great Advice Janet!

I love what you said about the oxygen masks, Janet!!! How true it is!!! It also triggered a memory for me of a former client who had brought her mom home to live with her, and had someone in during the day to take care of her mom. Her mother complained that her companion/caregiver "abused" her, etc to my client. My client was not inclined to believe her mom, who was quite manipulative, but in order to be sure, she did rig up a tape recorder and camera, which showed the caregiver giving great care to her mother. She also faked going to work one day, but snuck back into the house while she knew the caregiver was bathing her mom. She had a cooler in her own roomm with food, etc. She was able to "listen in" on the care her mom was getting. After going to such extreme measures, she was able to listen to her mom's complaints with pain, but with a clear conscience.

Keep posting, Donna!!! I hope you know that you can vent all you need to.

Kathy:good:

[DMcDesigns]

Mom moved in

Thanks to all

I had a heart to heart with my mom today about the adult day care (which I refer to as the senior center). I just told her that I need some time to get stuff done and I want to be able to do that without worring that she's okay. I want to be able to go to the gym and go get my contacts renewed and a few other things I've had to put off. It made her cry. This is a woman I've never seen cry my whole entire life. Over anything! Not the death of my father, her parents; we are talking a tough person here. But, she's not really the same person she was 10 years ago either; to a degree. She understands straight talk and doesn't want any b.s. That's where I learned it from I guess. I think once we get moved into the new house things will be much better. There is just SO much out of whack right now. I knew this would be hard when I brought her from Texas but I knew I couldn't leave her at the nursing home. I just didn't realize that it was going to be so all consuming. Anyway, my drinking over the past few days has been much better. I've upped my topamax. I'd really come down on the amount I was taking after June because I was doing so well. But I'm gradually working my way back up to 250 again. At least until we are back to a normal routine. I can tell the difference already. Plus I got in 2 miles at the park while mom was in physical therapy today. Her therapist could tell I needed a break today. And I'll be at the gym tomorrow. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Plus closing on the house is in just 14 more days.
Thanks again everyone.
Donna

[YoungAtHeart]

Mom moved in

Way to Go, Donna! Keep up the good work!!