Although I'm feeling completely exhausted, emotionally, today (and I probably will for a long time to come while I'm dealing with a lot of emotions and feelings from my past) I feel completely loved up today for some reason.
I've gained a lot of cathartic release recently from admitting things from my past in treatment with my peers and my counselors; but I know there is still a long way to go and I am still not ready to completely accept or own certain things. I am definitely becoming more aware of when my defenses kick in though that stop me going to certain places to (as I say) OWN that fact. I am still uncomfortable with the fact that I chose alcohol and drugs over my daughter that lead me to cause her distress one night. No matter how I feel about my daughter or my ex partner I still have to stand up and be counted for that and it has to come from a place inside me apart from my head. It's those defenses though that stop me from complete surrender with my addiction and I do find it very frustrating at times when I can't get there.
I know in the past I have felt shame and guilt that has not allowed myself to be totally honest with myself and others. I have worried so much about what others would think of me if they knew all my dirty little secrets from my past. I am beginning to let go of a lot of stuff today that goes beyond that definition of cathartic or the initial/immediate feeling of some emotional release. I am comfortable enough today in my own skin to say that there is sexual ambiguity in my life or that I am bisexual. I have learned that trying to define myself by my sexual identity has caused me nothing but stress, guilt and shame in the past. I often thought it would be so much easier if I could define my sexuality by being hetrosexual or homosexual but I know today that I don't need to define who I am. You don't see a big notice above a light switch telling you what it is, do you?lol
There is still a very long way to go for me though in dealing with a lot of issues that I'm not that ready to accept from anywhere other than my head at present. But I know I'm doing the right things and I'm just being human at times. I've got a lot of barriers there concerning grieving for my dad that I've not addressed but I know it'll come in time.
My sincerest love and energy to ALL here at MWO who have helped and supported me. I do feel very humble today and in a very loving and caring way.
Phil
xxxx
I've gained a lot of cathartic release recently from admitting things from my past in treatment with my peers and my counselors; but I know there is still a long way to go and I am still not ready to completely accept or own certain things. I am definitely becoming more aware of when my defenses kick in though that stop me going to certain places to (as I say) OWN that fact. I am still uncomfortable with the fact that I chose alcohol and drugs over my daughter that lead me to cause her distress one night. No matter how I feel about my daughter or my ex partner I still have to stand up and be counted for that and it has to come from a place inside me apart from my head. It's those defenses though that stop me from complete surrender with my addiction and I do find it very frustrating at times when I can't get there.
I know in the past I have felt shame and guilt that has not allowed myself to be totally honest with myself and others. I have worried so much about what others would think of me if they knew all my dirty little secrets from my past. I am beginning to let go of a lot of stuff today that goes beyond that definition of cathartic or the initial/immediate feeling of some emotional release. I am comfortable enough today in my own skin to say that there is sexual ambiguity in my life or that I am bisexual. I have learned that trying to define myself by my sexual identity has caused me nothing but stress, guilt and shame in the past. I often thought it would be so much easier if I could define my sexuality by being hetrosexual or homosexual but I know today that I don't need to define who I am. You don't see a big notice above a light switch telling you what it is, do you?lol
There is still a very long way to go for me though in dealing with a lot of issues that I'm not that ready to accept from anywhere other than my head at present. But I know I'm doing the right things and I'm just being human at times. I've got a lot of barriers there concerning grieving for my dad that I've not addressed but I know it'll come in time.
My sincerest love and energy to ALL here at MWO who have helped and supported me. I do feel very humble today and in a very loving and caring way.
Phil
xxxx
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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