Bah humbug!

[Ann]

Hi hi.
I came back to MWO a little while back and started the process of addressing my drinking again. I had a few AF days last week and was beginning to feel that clear headed joy of just 'being' without alcohol when Friday came around and I decided to cook something nice and of course, give my self the excuse that when cooking, a glass or in my case a bottle of wine would be no big deal. Wrong!!! It started me back on the sneaky road to full on blackout drunk. It's Thursday now and I'm starting again, this time with the intention of not drinking over the weekend and getting to the other side sober.

I read 'Drinking - A Love Story' by Caroline Knapp and I felt like I could have written every word of it myself - it was all so familiar. I've also been reading A Drinkers Life by Peter Hamill and First Year Sobriety by Guy Kettelhack (:H Funny name, hope I spelled it right).

It's the truth that alcoholics have so much in common. I can see it in the words of these books. I'm getting to understand the underlying basis of my problem and this is helping me to no longer be in denial about the problem. That's a good position to get to and for me, it't progress. But I'm sick of myself for being in this loop, GGRRRRR. :lame:

I did however have a number of days this week past AF and I'm ready to build on that.
Moderation does not work for me. So I stop, then I get to a day where I just need a release so I drink and then I keep drinking and suddenly I'm waking up in sh%$ condition for no good reason. Stoopid! I'm terrified of having to rethink life and habits and social living without alcohol. Ok, now I get why it's called 'one day at a time'! Right, enough from me now, I'm not proud of myself but I am trying. Love to all here who I know understand more than we would wish to...Ann x:sighbubble:

[Boss.man]

Bah humbug!

Ann;599308 wrote: I'm terrified of having to rethink life and habits and social living without alcohol.

I think we all were/are. However, I think I've found that was just another excuse. Actually, not drinking isn't so bad at all. For me, it's a whole lot better than hiding in my bed. Besides, for me AL made me so depressed and gave me such a narrow world view.

You can't be terrified of growing, moving forward, or finding that life is a lot more interesting and entertaining than ever. It's just change. Take my word for it, it's a good change.

[Ann]

Bah humbug!

:thanks:
Thanks Boss!!! I was hoping for a good strong reply that would make me think in a good way. This did it! Tx again Ann

[rubywillow]

Bah humbug!

Ann, I thought the same way at first; The rest of my life with NO ALCOHOL???????? OH NO!?!?!?!?! Then I finally got it down, to one hour, 1/2 a day, 1 day, 2,3, a week, you get it. Now, it's not an issue. I'm lucky there. Some have to battle harder than I do, I understand that, but we have to do our OWN battle, each day. Don't try to imagine the rest of you life already. Imagine just tomorrow!
Rubes

[Ann]

Bah humbug!

:hallo:
Hey Ruby thanks for this, yes it's not just me but everyone here with a daily battle. That helps. I'm imagining tomorrow with a clear head

[MissMerlot]

Bah humbug!

Bah humbug...big time

Hi Ann,
Hope this post finds you well...read your post,nodding all the way through.

Must get to the bookstore tomorrow and stock up...

(I've read "Dry...Augusten Burroughs".."What did i do last night?" ...Tom Sykes..."A Million Little Pieces...James Frey and "A Piece Of Cake" Cupcake Brown.
I can relate to every single person in these books...i'm sure you may enjoy them too.)

have messed up pretty bad...next door neighbour landed in to mine the other night with 3 btls of red wine left behind by friends she had over easter and she doesn't drink red so gave them to me.I nearly took the hand of her.
:hitme:
bad move.
Have finished the last btl 2nite.(and had 4 budweiser during th day):huh:
Going to bed now and know i will be dying 2moro...

Dying,depressed,shaky & sweaty!...'the loop got me too'

ANNIE...YOU DID IT AGAIN...
:bang

Day 1 2moro...............again!!!!!

boss man...al also depresses me...will be opting for that good change.
& ruby,your posts hit home,i will have to take it one hr at a time...

:l
annie
xx

[Ann]

Bah humbug!

Hi Annie thanks for posting, I will take you up on getting those books - hadn't heard of them until you posted.
Yeah, it helps to share because we understand each other here. But I'm pissed off with myself and there's only one way to do something about that and its - NOT DRINK. I'm going back to Day 2 tomorrow.
Hope you check in again then too and get some support here. Ann..x :l

[Ann]

Bah humbug!

Oh, I just had a thought about 'the loop' - it's like starting a race - every time you make a 'false start' you have to go back to the line again and start over....and over...and over. Well that's me anyway. I'm the runner who keeps making a clean break for it and then f*&^s up. This starting part is too familiar!!!! I know all the twists and bends at the beginning and I'm bored with them.

My goal is to run a little further this time, step by step....ok.....:batulloke:

[Boss.man]

Bah humbug!

What made the difference for me was realizing that AL truly does make you depressed. It makes the "sober" moments unbearable. That's what makes quitting so hard, because it's so easy to go back, and so hard to move forward.

When I did my first 14 days AF, I followed it by continuous drinking for 45 days. Over the subsequent months, I dedicated myself again to AF stretches, only to lose control again. But slowly the ratio switched, so I started having 20 days AF and only a few days drinking, then 30 days, then 40 days.

I see it as a whole transition. It's a big step. Take a bit at a time. Don't sweat the swerves or slips. Just get up quick and remember the big picture of why.

[Ann]

Bah humbug!

:thanks:

I like your approach Boss and I think it's the same one that will work for me. I'm still figuring out the depressed bit - I can only take your and other drinkers word for it as I haven't suceeded yet in living a long stretch without alcohol. I am trying to educate myself and listen and learn as much as possible and find my own best path through this.

You sound pretty together! Something must be working well for you.
Q - how long AF before that 'dread of sober moments' goes away?

[Boss.man]

Bah humbug!

A - Long enough that you'll get a whole host of new issues and new resolutions.

I suspect you don't really dread sober moments. That's just your little mood brain trying to plant a thought into the logical part of your head. Just tell your little mood brain that all will be fine, and it's going to be GREAT!

You've hit big challenges before in your life. They were not easy. But you did it, right?

This is just one of those challenges. A bit of a bump on the path of life.

To fear being sober is like fearing sunrise. It's going to happen, because what is the alternative?

[Ann]

Bah humbug!

Boss thanks for you mails today. They really helped a lot and you hit a few nerves in a good way :-)
I had a look back at some of your posts and wanted to offer something back. You said you have probs with relaxing and especially sleeping.
With Ambien, I sleep walked - you need to get your other half to keep an eye on you with this drug. I took it and walked into the kitchen in my parents house fast asleep with them watching and I had NO recollection. It scared the living daylights out of me when I heard. Not to mention the shame. So ask spouse to let you know if you do anything unusual on it.

As an alternative, I found Melatonin 5mgs and 4 calmes forte half an hour before bed works for me. And for relaxing try a supplement called Kava Kava. I agree diet and especially sugar balance in the body has a major amount to do with the metabolism of alcoholism.

c:Ok, hope this helps. Thanks again for reaching out today. Ann.

[boozehag]

Bah humbug!

Ann
It is all part of the process getting sober - our AL infused brain thinks that a life lived without AL is going to be empty and tough but the truth is completely the opposite - it is full and it is fun. Also when you have been a pisshead like I was for such a long time there is also the absolutely amazing novelty of just being normal - getting up every single morning without a hangover and doing normal things every single day! No guilt no despair, no anxiety, no depression. As the ad says its priceless! No doubt it is hard starting off but its worth it. The body and the brain are resilient and they get used to change pretty quickly you just have to toughen it out for a little while and then it will become easier. ODAT!
BH

[Angelcakes]

Bah humbug!

It IS an ongoing & learning process, I've been here almost a year and I'm getting there...slowly.
What Boss says is true - the AF periods get longer & the bingeing is much less.
Good luck.
xo