Non-Addicts

[Cinders]

I am starting this thread for those of us who are true addicts. I am not going to try to differentiate between those who are and are not but I did want to propose something small to think about.

Non-Addicts have problems. Their cars break down, their loved ones cheat, their parents are aging, they have job concerns. Their lives are much like "ours" except when the going gets rough, they don't turn to alcohol.

That is where I want to be. Able to handle all the crap life throws at you and not turn to Al for "support."

Any thoughts from others on this and how to get there?

Thanks!!
Cindi

[Angelcakes]

Non-Addicts

Hi Cinders, sometimes I feel envious of the people that don't have this battle. Sometimes it feels like you can't win...but I'm still in the game.

xo

[startingover]

Non-Addicts

Hi Cindi, this is a great idea for a thread....
Well, for me I just decided that I wasnt going to drink any more (not as easy as it sounds) and that I was going to deal with everything life threw at me sober...
So far I have dealt with my mums ongoing cancer/emphysema issues, losing a job and then of course the day to day worries, resentments and issues....For me it was a change in my mindset. I dont know how to explain it any better, it was like ok, thats my decision, now I have to live with it...
I know its only early days for me (9 months) but the issues I have faced have been so much easier and smoother sober....plus I dont dwell nearly so much on anything. Before, I would run through every scenario in my mind, usually they would get worse and worse each time...now I can honestly say I am not so obsessive about anything...
I am looking forward to reading everyone elses thoughts....

[voguefit]

Non-Addicts

Hi Cinders & Angelcakes
I know exactly what you mean, but for me it's not just about the big issues in life. For instance my hubbie is taking the day of work today and we're going to walk the dog to a lovely country pub for lunch, he'll have his usual couple of pints & i wish i was normal & could do the same, accept i know that if i have just one, i'll come home & sneak a load more and then feel like s**** in the morning. So instead i'm going to look at this as a healthy exercise day and enjoy a lovely salad they do & a cold glass of soda. Good luck everyone and have a AF day.

[ezzmae]

Non-Addicts

I have friends like that cinders, AL just doesn't come into it for them. They are my inspiration. Be removing AL I will have at least one less problem to face.

[Guitarista]

Non-Addicts

Hi Cindi,
For me, i just eventually had enough, and could see my life, job, self respect, future etc, going down the drain. I had been isolating myself to drink, for a long time, and i went to some scary, very dark places in my head. I knew i had to choose which way i wanted to go. Life, or slow suicide. I don't know how i got to the place in my head that thankfully chose life, but i suspect it was just a little flicker of light called pride, that brought me back. I could have easily gone the other way, as i somehow enjoyed the associated melancholy too. Maybe i was just a lazy, gutless fella, who needed a swift kick up the bum too, but anyway, i somehow still knew there was more to life than drinking, and that little glimmer of hope, and what was left of my pride, saved me. Once my decision was made, and i knew what i had to do, and there was no umming and ahhing, i got a plan, and just did it. Having a plan, and a firm direction, with no more questions necessary, made it so much easier to get off, and stay off the booze. I handle any stress, or problems that come my way very easily now, with a fairly relaxed attitude, and clear head, and this is clearly because i don't drink. I'm getting too old for hangover's anyway! BUT. I had to change my THINKING! This was the key.
Best wishes Cindi, and thanks for this thread, and your posts. I enjoy reading them.

[Marshy]

Non-Addicts

Hi Cindi,

Like Guitarista, I'd had enough. I'd been drinking heavily for the past 10 years, and a bit less heavily for 10 years before that and I got to a point that was really miserable (early morning drinking, all day drinking, blacking out) and I could see a crossroads in my mind - I either kept on drinking and carried on going downhill, and becoming increasingly bad and damaging my health etc, or I had to stop. I always knew that "moderation" wouldn't work for me, so I had to find a way to stop.

Finding that way has taken quite some time and I've tried lots of different things that I thought might help - including hypnotherapy, meditation, counselling, supplements, Antabuse, MWO, AA, exercise... the list goes on. Some of those things worked a little bit, some didn't work at all, and some have become a staple part of my recovery.

I've reached a point where I don't automatically think about drinking if something bad happens. In fact, when I was faced with a sudden crisis recently my immediate thought was: "It's absolutely essential that I DON'T drink because I need to deal with this with a clear head and make good decisions."

I'm pleased with where I am at the moment, but I hope I never forget that I AM an addict and it's vital for me to stay in control of that.

[peacenik]

Non-Addicts

cinders you sound down...i'm sorry.

i spent 10 years of my life drinking heavily and hiding it well...i was miserable and felt isolated, anxious and literally like i was going to die if i didn't change. i ALWAYS felt bad and tired...i just got so sick of feeling like shit and waking up in the middle of the night with massive anxiety, that i "decided" to quit drinking. yes, that was it, i decided to stop.

to be honest i enjoy the struggle sometimes...everyone has the proverbial cross to bear, this is ours (among others of course, but this is the true test, remaining sober through life's dealt cards). being sober is something we are in control of, if nothing else in our lives.
i really had to change my thinking from i can't, to i will/have to do this, and for some reason it has been working (with one minor setback). i have only been sober since 1/1/09, but i feel like it is forever this time (after so many tries).
i think the more times we try, the more chances we have of being free.

changing my thinking consciously is how i get through the tough times without picking up. i literally talk myself out of drinking when i feel the cravings and desires and al's manipulative thoughts creeping in.

i don't klnow if that is what you meant when you posted, but writing that made me feel grateful and i need that today!

peace

[Doggygirl]

Non-Addicts

Hi Cindi. This is really a great topic!

In terms of handling life's issues without AL, I feel like I get better at it with practice. At first I felt like I was absolutely "muscling" my way through problems fighting AL the entire way. I had the very strong urge to do things the old way, and drink through everything from a flat tire to a serious aging parent issue.

Slowly this has changed for me. I will still sometimes have an immediate reaction to something that is "drink." But not every time "shit happens." There have been recent situations that I have gotten through where at the end of it all, I'll be pleasantly surprised that the thought of drinking didn't even occur to me.

It just hasn't happened over night. I also think it has been made easier for me by making a BIG effort to accept that drinking is not an option rather than RESENT the fact that I "can't" drink my way through everything any more. Attitude matters a lot for me.

I hope all is well with you Cinders! And good seeing you too Marshy and everyone else who has weighed in!!!!!

DG

[Evie.Lou]

Non-Addicts

I understand where you're coming from and alcohol was a way of not having to allow myself to FEEL things as deeply...but now that i am sober I realize it not only kept me from feeling bad things, it kept me from feeling good things. It was quit effective at numbing my emotions in all areas.
Now I am beginning to really FEEL ...GOOD and BAD...and my new motto is "nothing is so bad that a drink won't make it worse" !!!!!!!!

[CS04]

Non-Addicts

I think there a lot of people, "normal" or otherwise, who DO NOT handle everything life throws at them. They may not use AL to deal with it, but there are all sorts of other crappy ways of coping, or non-coping.

[Guitarista]

Non-Addicts

Hey Peacenik,.....'to be honest, i enjoy the struggle sometimes'
I like that. It may sound crazy, but to me, that's a helpful thought. Thanks.
Be well all!

[Prest4time]

Non-Addicts

Cinders,
I too wish that AL was not a temptation when the going gets rough. But I know many who "look" normal... even envious to others. But they console themselves in other ways each time they are stressed by ordering and eating an entire pizza, raiding the fridge and pantry or exercising to the point of angry exhaustion, or downing a few benzos, sex addictions -- all without touching AL. All are coping skills, but only AL is mood altering to the point that it is illegal to drive.(and drugs of course) No one gets put in jail for eating an entire chocolate cake or running 50 gazillion laps at the track although their mood is much better afterwards.

So I join you in this desire to be free of wanting to turn to AL in times of stress or just sometimes no reason at all. But I have no desire to trade it for one of the above mentioned either; but rather desire balance in all areas. Addiction is addiction, and it just stinks.

[MyHeartIsDrenchedInWine]

Non-Addicts

Hi Cindi,

I believe creating patterns, habits, and new ways of coping will eventually get us where we want to be.....permanently. I have found Yoga and deep breathing to be very very useful. Sometimes I think we just need a new binkie, ya know?

Luvya,


Myheart

[hippie37]

Non-Addicts

Hi Sweetie!

I can only write about the developments of my own treatment in addiction which I hope will give you some insight.

What I have learned (for me) is that shame and addiction seem to go hand in hand. It seems to be the deep rooted issue with all addicts and is something that I am encouraged to explore in treatment at present. It was only this Wednesday that I finally became aware of my core issues regarding my shame that stem from my childhood years. It's that core shame that has kept me in active addiction all these years. I don't know how many times I've said to myself and heard it from others that they feel like a ** year old adult who is still acting like a child (even when they have put down the drink/drug of choice). I have been kept in active addiction because I have been beating this inner child because of the shame I still feel that has been locked up inside me as an adult. I AM an adult though. I need to let go of that shame as an adult and nurture that inner child and show him love and understanding and compassion. I find it very hard though to reach that child as my old behaviours and coping mechanisms will at times block me from doing so. I will try to intellectualize or use humour that stops not only me getting honest with myself and my emotions but can at times push people away. I don't want people getting close to my shame or inner child. But also these coping mechamisms keep me in denial of my addiction. They make my life totally unmanageable because I'm always trying to have control still, which in turn makes me think that I still have some control over my addiction. I AM POWERLESS at the end of the day and it's only through the uderstanding of this first step that I am also able to move forward in my recovery. I learned the hard way Cindi, and was brought to my knees last Wednesday when I found myself lying on my bed with tears streaming down my face feeling just totally lost and scared. Scared because I had finally surrendered and stopped trying to control what is uncontrolable; and that for me IS scary because I like to have the 'answers'. These were not tears of self pity or frustration but a real emotion that I have not felt since god knows when. I can see JUST how important this first step is Cindi today because it's helping me to get out my head and into my heart and connect with my feelings. Like I said before I still struggle reaching that inner child at present because old behaviours die hard. I've spent over 20 odd years in active addiction and I have only been given the tools (through treatment) to build my foundations within the fellowship of N/A. For me personally I'm not expecting any flash of lightening either with some sort of spiritual awakening as I know it's going to take time and effort on my part to put in the work through the steps.

I am also attending a Soul Recovery Workshop on the week-end of 11th July. This looks at deepening recovery via spiritual connective breathing and exploring my family system in relation to my addiction and other patterns of stuck behaviour. I'm hoping it's gonna help me grow and be able to get more in touch with that inner child.

Love and Happiness to you Cindi and be gentle with yourself.
Phil
xx