pressure to tell

[skinny cow]

My very supportive husband was at his wits end last weekend after i started drinking in the morning and made a public spectactle of myself and he told my in laws about my problem. they had absoltuely NOO idea. now it is very very awkward between me and the in laws. I understand why he did it and i accept it completely.

I am going back to AA. problem is, he is pressuring me now to tell my own family. my mom lives abroad and is coming this month to visit. my best friend is also coming in a couple of weeks and he keeps pressuring me to tell her too. i understand he wants it out i the open, but i feel like i am becoming the pathetic mental case and that is all i will become to all these people. the sad alcoholic in the corner that they will all discuss with pity. then go away and when they call it will be with all concern in their voices and i will basicall have no normal relationshiops left with anybody.

i already feel totally isolated from his family now. i feel they can't talk to me normally, nor can i talk to them normally, and it sucks.

also, the pressure to tell my friend and family takes ALL my power away. he has already taken away all my access to money so i won't drink.

he's a really great person and just wants me to get better, but i know if i refuse to tell, he will.#

i suppose i just don't want advice, i just want to vent. i feel so alone in this.

[bloggy]

pressure to tell

I can understand his worry SC, but I really feel it should be your decision to tell your family or not.

If he has told his parents I guess that is his choice, but surely your relationship with your friends and family and what you decide to tell them is ultimately up to you?

They are your friends and family after all, and they don't HAVE to know everything about you...I bet they have things that you don't know about.

I think it is unfair of your husband to pressurise you into this when you obviously don't want it at the moment.

What about a compromise? Ask him to keep his mouth shut for say 2 more months, then discuss it again?

[hart]

pressure to tell

I agree with Marabella. Whom u tell should be your own business. It would piss me off if Joe told my friends and family I'm an alcoholic. Of course, I don't have to worry about it because he denies we are......sigh. I like Marabella's idea of offering a two month discuss it again, deal. Good luck hon! :l

[bloggy]

pressure to tell

Yeh, I would be very very angry if my OH went round telling mine about me. Mind you I suppose he doesn't have to- I have made it pretty obvious myself. *sigh*

Well that is not strictly true- as they live in another country there is quite a lot they don't know, and in my opinion do not need to know. There is nothing they can do- why do I need to give them the added worry?
Its bad enough having the worry myself.

[dlw]

pressure to tell

My husband also did the threat of telling my family members, and I looked at it as an invasion of my privacy, which is what it is
my hubby thought it was more of an intervention
I agree, go with the 2 month period and try to get yourself - that's what I did, and it worked. Although I still have a few weak moments, My good days are better than bad
Good Luck

[brightlite]

pressure to tell

It is your right to tell them, however your husband is not the REAL problem. I think we all know who(what) is!

[greeneyes]

pressure to tell

My husb DID tell my dad. The first and only time he visited. On a Thanksgiving morning. I had no idea he was even considering it or maybe it was off the cuff. I didn't know until around 4 that day with our first drink when my dad told me privately. Furious doesn't touch it. It was MY decision to make if and when I chose to make it. Obviously I agree with the above comments about it being your choice. I don't see that anyone stands anything to gain from it, especially with the distance.

[Accountable for Me]

pressure to tell

My personal experience from telling/having other people tell just about everyone that I know has been very bitter/sweet. I am now treated differently by all of them. Some good, some bad.

A lot of people are still very ignorant about alcoholism. It is still a dirty word for a lot of people.

You may want to think twice before shouting it from the rooftops. I think it is a very private issue and it should be between your husband and yourself. I kind of understand why he told your inlaws; out of frustration and concern but he should have consulted you first.

However it is you that should ultimately decide who to share it with.

I use to be proud to say that I was an alcoholic in recovery. I now, am not.

I wish I had of been a bit more selective to who I told. I don't like people looking over my shoulders and seeing if it is an alcoholic drink I have in hand; or ask me on a daily basis if I am still not drinking. That drives me batty.

Anyway, good luck with all of this. xoxo

[Marshy]

pressure to tell

Skinny,

Has your husband said WHY he wants you to tell your family? What's his reasoning?

It seems to me that if your mum lives abroad you presumably don't get to see her all that often, and telling her this will make her worry about you and there's nothing she can do and she's hundreds of miles away! Seems like that would cause more trouble than it's worth.
As for your best friend, I spose that's a bit different but I still think it's up to you to decide when and who you tell.

[Doggygirl]

pressure to tell

Hi Skinny. I too am curious about WHY he wants to tell these particular people? I can only guess he somehow thinks that it will help stop you from drinking. Assuming that is his reasoning then I would hope he might be open to a counter proposal you might offer - maybe something better by way of a plan to stop drinking?

I don't know if your drinking is as bad as mine was, but I can't blame my loved ones for being worried sick about me back in those days, and being willing to do anything to get me to stop, no matter how mad it might have made me.

The really important thing here IMO is that if you are an addicted drinker, regardless of labels, that you find a way to stop the madness.

Strength to you,

DG

[cacky]

pressure to tell

It is your decision to tell. My husband told alot of people about it and now we are separated pending divorce. I felt that he was using that knowledge to try and control me. It doesnt do you any good if other people are told and you arent ready for that. I do think if they can help prevent you from being a danger to yourself or others then you may want to think about. For example; my next door neighbors were told so that if i did try to drink and drive with my kids in the car..my kids would have a place to go. Luckily havent had that happen in quite some time.

[Lavande]

pressure to tell

This is a very touchy subject with me as well.

I sat down, several months ago and bared my soul to my husband and 2 adult children. It was no suprise to them, of course but I felt I had done the right thing by finally admitting my problem out loud and presenting my plan fpr recovery. I never expected any of them to tell extended family & neighbors. I was very hurt by that and felt that they were taking control away from me. Now I'm having a hard time dealing with in-laws, etc. who suddenly don't seem to want to talk to me anymore................

I just wish people would respect each other's privacy and consider the consequence when they don't! I'm still harboring a lot of resentment over this.

[ezzmae]

pressure to tell

Hey SC. Do you know why your drinking got out of control since you moved to Ireland? Is this something that you could discuss with you husband? I can only guess that you didn't have this problem when you met intially.You mentioned before that you feel isolated living in a country that is not your own, in a small town. AA doesn't work for you because you haven't found anyone there that you can bond with.

And while he is worried about you, he has already told his family. So when your mother comes to visit, by not telling her, you would be helping to create secrecy and lies, and this might hurt your mother more. I don't know how well you would be able to control your drinking in front of your mother. Maybe you could make a deal with your husband. If you could get a lot of AF days under your belt before your mother comes, then you don't have to worry about telling her.

Good luck. No-one other than my husband is away of my drinking habits. I think I would die if they knew.

[Winefree]

pressure to tell

Can totally relate. Mu husband told my sister and brother and brother in law his concerns and instead of it feeling helpful, I was resentful. This was a couple of yrs ago and I didnt' follow through with help.
He also told his brother and sisterinlaw who are supporting him and I am left out. Doesn;t seem quite right since he is a minister. Shouldn't he be reaching out to me as well?

[polaryzed]

pressure to tell

It should be your decision . . .

I agree with everyone else here, it should be YOUR DECISION not his!

Hopefully, your hubby can keep this information to himself and let you and your mom and friend have a 'nice, calm worry-free visit'. :l


Be well Skinny . . . All the Best! :l