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[skinny cow]

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HI all. thanks for all the input. It is interesting because it seems there are a lot different opions out there.

I DO feel like it has taken away my control. and I Do feel resentlful of that. i also feel like his family are supporting him of course and i feel left in the corner like the family freak even though my husband insists this is not the case and that they love me and support me and only want me to get better - they are good people so this is probably alot true. although they are also critical people so i know there is so much talk going on it makes me queasy.

last night i kind of broke down when my husband went over to his sister's house because i haven't seen her since she found out and i just KNEW they were talking about me. my husband came home and was so nice and gave me hugs and tried to reasure me.

he wants me to tell my family and friends becaue the feel i don't really admit to the problem. i don't really admit responsibility and that is making him frustrated. he feels it's all just creating more secrets and lies and he wants that to end and things to begin anew.

so i think his motivations are actually really in the right place.

but i am and have always been and intensly private person. part of the reason i drink is loneliness brought on by my own shyness and isolation. and this exposure is just about killing me.

in answer to ezzmae: i drank long before i came to ireland, long before i met him. sadly, like many people here, it runs in my family and i started as a teen. but it has progressed.

thanks again for all your input guys!

[mario]

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hi skinny cow,its ahard one to decide, in one way i totally agree that its your decision who to tell especially re your family.but your husband see,s what your like everytime you drink,we know its not nice what our partners & family go through with our drinking habits,why cant you :come out & tell everybody:that you have a problem & your dealing with it,you will get the usual talk behind your back but your way above that,has being said already the problem is not husband/family the problem is drinking,good luck keep at it

[cacky]

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Hey skinny, feeling more isolated is not going to help you. Talk to him and maybe go to addiction counceling together. I think if he heard from a professional the issue that may cause for you, he may change his mind. I know my husband would like to be able to redo what he pushed with me. Unfortunately non of us can go backwards. I went along with the "confession" to all who were close. It really caused me alot of personal angst and only later i found out that i probably wasnt ready to confess.

[Popeye]

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Hi Skinny.
I can understand your feelings. It should really be up to you who gets to know about your problems. I think though that your husband's heart is in the right place. Perhaps he feels that bringing it out into the open amongst your family will help you, but still, it should be your choice.
Personally, I gave up worrying about who knows about my problem, except in circumstances where someone else could be embarressed. When I was at my worst, everyone who knew me knew I had a problem and I was too far gone to worry about them. I came to my senses though and realised that I needed help to get better and if peolpe see that I'm at least trying, they can either take the choice to think themselves better than me or support me.
My brothers and sisters know I drink far too much, but though we are close, we hardly see each other. They don't know I'm recovering as it hasn't come up for quite a while. I'm sure that when they find out, they'll be very happy for me. My father, who has been a distant, authoritative man - ex military and couldn't you just tell - has mellowed in recent years and though he didn't really know the extent of my drinking, is delighted that I'm doing something right for a change. He's 70 this year and I'm 47 and we've only started to get to know each other. My point is that the people who care will be pleased that you're addressing the problem. Even if they didn't know about it UNTIL

[Popeye]

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Hi Skinny.
I can understand your feelings. It should really be up to you who gets to know about your problems. I think though that your husband's heart is in the right place. Perhaps he feels that bringing it out into the open amongst your family will help you, but still, it should be your choice.
Personally, I gave up worrying about who knows about my problem, except in circumstances where someone else could be embarrassed. When I was at my worst, everyone who knew me knew I had a problem and I was too far gone to worry about them. I came to my senses though and realised that I needed help to get better and if people see that I'm at least trying, they can either take the choice to support me or not. If they choose not, fine. At least I know how the ground lies.
My brothers and sisters know I drink far too much, but though we are close, we hardly see each other. They don't know I'm recovering yet as it hasn't come up for quite a while. I'm sure that when they find out, they'll be very happy for me. My father, who has been a distant, authoritative man (ex military and couldn't you just tell) has mellowed in recent years and though he didn't really know the extent of my drinking, is delighted that I'm doing something right for a change. He's 70 this year and I'm 47 and we've only started to get to know each other. My point is that the people who care will be pleased that you're addressing the problem. Even if they didn't know about it until they were told. Improving your life is nothing to be ashamed of. Still, I believe that if you tell them or not should be your choice.

[gyco]

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hi cow,some really good comments,alcoholism is not a personal thing,we or i seem to do it,behind peoples backs,[our loved ones]as you can see,they no,all of them,they make it sound like a secret,[guilt trip]but it is not,other people out there can tell,were the ones with black eyes,bruises,broken bones,lost memories,im not saying this cause he is rite,does he really think,telling everyone it will make a difference, not ,when i went to treatment,my family still didnt understand,i can get all the help i want,but it wont help them,i think what your better half did was despicable,,as harsh as this sounds ,he doesnt realise he also needs help to cope with,the affects of alcoholism, has taken on him,not out of bitterness,ask him if he d like to try alanon,my wife is still contemplating the idea,many wont agree,what you got,you inherited,i beleive if you have any relationship with your mother,she d call his bluff,you are her daughter,she knows ? gyco best of luck to you ps i did not rt this to offend

[Beaches]

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I also agree it is your decision to tell your family when it's right for you. He has made the decision to tell his and I so can relate to that. I do feel weird around my husbands family now like I am being watched all the time. I am still angry and resentful that he did this. Sounds like he is giving you an ultimatum that either you tell them or he will. That is not right. That is taking all of the control out of your hands. You know what you need to do to get better and him talking about you behind your back is only going to make you feel worse. An intervention...well if that is his purpose what is he offering you to help you? If you have an intervention to just tell everyone about your problem, to call you out, that will not accomplish anything. The people in the intervention have prepared for it and have alternatives to offer.
If you mother lives far away what impact would that have on her....now she's going to worry from such a distance she can't be really involved. To me his actions are selfish. IMHO
Best of luck to you.

[polaryzed]

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Question . . .

I am confused, why would he go to his sisters without You? Shouldn't there be an open door of communication?

Good Job that You still attend AA meetings and that you are trying to beat this problem.

Be Well Sweetie . . . :l

[skinny cow]

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i suppose he went to his parents and sistsers out of pure desperation. he is the kind of person who wears his heart on his sleeve usually. he is absolutely hopeless at keeping the smallest secret, so you can imagine what this has been like for him. it is one of the things that makes him so charming. he just comes out and says whats on his mind, so him holding this in has been horrible for him.

but i feel awful now, and really no bettter. i still haven't seen his sister yet. i know she doesn't know what the hell to say to me. i will feel watched all the time. and i am resentful. i am home alone watching our three young children in his home town so i feel a bit surrounded. i feel a bit shit really.

now that it it out in the open, i feeel worse than i ever did, and not really sure how to go on, or if i want to.

[bloggy]

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Skinny Cow, I can really imagine how you must feel- I guess he thinks it was the right thing to do, but in my mind it was not.

Embarrassment (on their side and yours) will pass...when they see you acting normally they will assume he was exaggerating, or over-reacting, and it will be forgotten I think.

But for now I guess your every move will be noted. How horrible. I do feel for you, but I think you have to stop worrying about them and what they think and get back to tackling the job at hand.