I was an idiot
Okay, I was sober for 80 days and I blew it because I was feeling overwhelmed. I went on a binge. It would have to go down as one of the most stupid things I have ever done. Not only did I suffer a major hangover, which was a first for me, but I felt sick at myself.
It didn?t last. I picked myself up and got on with being sober again. It has taught me a huge lesson. Getting drunk does not solve anything. It makes everything so much worse. I knew that, but went ahead and drank anyway because I didn?t care. Life got too hard and I turned back to what I knew ? get drunk and numb the pain. And while I was at it, after being smoke free for 71 days, I went out and bought cigarettes. Talk about kick yourself while you?re feeling down?
Of course, I didn?t mean to get totally so bad that I blacked out. But blacked out I did to the extent that I remember nothing of that first night. NOTHING. I do remember the pain of the days that followed and how disgusted in myself I felt.
The worst pain? Having your dogs sigh at you because you are disturbing them when they are trying to sleep. Non-dog owners may not understand this, but I think it also applies to kids.
I hadn?t phoned anyone and wasn?t going to. But I did in the end. The curse of the drink. Once it has you in it?s grip, all sensibility goes down your throat with it. I now need to deal with the fallout.
I thought it would be a great idea to tell my family I was a drunk, but had had it under control. My friends already knew. Now I am so totally ashamed of my behaviour ? obviously very drunk when I was telling them this, that how can they believe a word I say? I know I have to phone them somehow, but WTF do I say? Obviously I want to avoid this at all costs and pretend it never happened. But it did and do I face them now or later? Redundant question. It will have to happen eventually. That is the dilemma I am facing right now because I thought a couple of drinks which turned into too many to count, would make things better. I must say, though I did know it was possible I wouldn?t stop till I blacked out. I thought it wouldn?t happen - not with the way I?ve been able to stop at a few after being AF for so long. HAH HAH! Not!
Mind you, I didn?t consider 67 AF days a long time, just long enough because I thought my mental state over alcohol was good. So in the end I achieved 80 days sober. Just a few glasses of wine twice with dinner out. Had I kept to that everything would have been fine I thought.
I?m not so sure now. I think that having those few glasses set me up to crave wine again. At the end of my 67 days I really didn?t care whether I had a drink or not. But after my first time of having 2 glasses with dinner, I did look forward to them again. The next time out I had 3 glasses with dinner. And it was all downhill from there at the first bump in the road. Mind you, it was a big bump, but it only grew larger because I kept drinking.
I also found that my mood was changing after nearly 3 months sober. I was thinking about drinking and really wanting a wine at odd times. It was almost like back to the beginning when I drank to huge excess every day. It was strange. I didn?t want to drink all day, it just hit me at odd times. Strangely, usually when I was happy.
I?m not reading this back as I type, because I would like anyone to be reading this to try to gauge the thoughts that are running through my mind as I write, because maybe it will help someone recognise themselves. I would like to be able to mod. I think I still can, but time will tell. It?s just the bumps that I need to stop and say NO to.
I?ve read a lot of you would like to mod and wonder if it is possible. Well, you won?t know till you do what I did I suppose. I do believe from my own experience that you must get to a stage where you are not constantly thinking about your next drink. What I have learned is you must keep a promise to yourself and not go out and BUY THE HOTEL just because you feel you need a drink. If I had stuck to my promise to myself I might not be writing this now. In fact, if you feel you NEED a drink, DON?T. Seriously, it wasn?t the hotel.
If I can help someone along the way by you reading this, then my stuff-up has some meaning at least. I know I won?t do this again. I went off the rails for a short time, which my very good friends here at MWO have told me to be realistic about, after the (I know) huge effort I made, but I have ashamed myself and that is something I just cannot forgive.
There is a lot more to say about this big bump in the road, but suffice to say, I hope I have said enough to help someone out there. And hey, it?s a long enough post anyway. I?ll have to put a warning on it.
I make a solemn promise to you all now, that I will not do this again. I stick with my promises. I made a promise to you all when I first went AF not to drink again for a certain period that I cannot remember, only because I haven?t read back, but I kept my promise and you got me sober, all of you.
Now, how to convince the family who really didn?t need to know?. IDIOT!
But seriously, I have written previously about being honest. I still believe it?s the best thing to do. Just don?t do it when you are drunk and choose WHO you decide you NEED to tell.
Need is a subjective thing ? if they don?t need to know, don?t tell ?em.
I don?t think I have offended anyone during my little binge, but if I did, please accept my sincere apologies.
Love Pan.
Okay, I was sober for 80 days and I blew it because I was feeling overwhelmed. I went on a binge. It would have to go down as one of the most stupid things I have ever done. Not only did I suffer a major hangover, which was a first for me, but I felt sick at myself.
It didn?t last. I picked myself up and got on with being sober again. It has taught me a huge lesson. Getting drunk does not solve anything. It makes everything so much worse. I knew that, but went ahead and drank anyway because I didn?t care. Life got too hard and I turned back to what I knew ? get drunk and numb the pain. And while I was at it, after being smoke free for 71 days, I went out and bought cigarettes. Talk about kick yourself while you?re feeling down?
Of course, I didn?t mean to get totally so bad that I blacked out. But blacked out I did to the extent that I remember nothing of that first night. NOTHING. I do remember the pain of the days that followed and how disgusted in myself I felt.
The worst pain? Having your dogs sigh at you because you are disturbing them when they are trying to sleep. Non-dog owners may not understand this, but I think it also applies to kids.
I hadn?t phoned anyone and wasn?t going to. But I did in the end. The curse of the drink. Once it has you in it?s grip, all sensibility goes down your throat with it. I now need to deal with the fallout.
I thought it would be a great idea to tell my family I was a drunk, but had had it under control. My friends already knew. Now I am so totally ashamed of my behaviour ? obviously very drunk when I was telling them this, that how can they believe a word I say? I know I have to phone them somehow, but WTF do I say? Obviously I want to avoid this at all costs and pretend it never happened. But it did and do I face them now or later? Redundant question. It will have to happen eventually. That is the dilemma I am facing right now because I thought a couple of drinks which turned into too many to count, would make things better. I must say, though I did know it was possible I wouldn?t stop till I blacked out. I thought it wouldn?t happen - not with the way I?ve been able to stop at a few after being AF for so long. HAH HAH! Not!
Mind you, I didn?t consider 67 AF days a long time, just long enough because I thought my mental state over alcohol was good. So in the end I achieved 80 days sober. Just a few glasses of wine twice with dinner out. Had I kept to that everything would have been fine I thought.
I?m not so sure now. I think that having those few glasses set me up to crave wine again. At the end of my 67 days I really didn?t care whether I had a drink or not. But after my first time of having 2 glasses with dinner, I did look forward to them again. The next time out I had 3 glasses with dinner. And it was all downhill from there at the first bump in the road. Mind you, it was a big bump, but it only grew larger because I kept drinking.
I also found that my mood was changing after nearly 3 months sober. I was thinking about drinking and really wanting a wine at odd times. It was almost like back to the beginning when I drank to huge excess every day. It was strange. I didn?t want to drink all day, it just hit me at odd times. Strangely, usually when I was happy.
I?m not reading this back as I type, because I would like anyone to be reading this to try to gauge the thoughts that are running through my mind as I write, because maybe it will help someone recognise themselves. I would like to be able to mod. I think I still can, but time will tell. It?s just the bumps that I need to stop and say NO to.
I?ve read a lot of you would like to mod and wonder if it is possible. Well, you won?t know till you do what I did I suppose. I do believe from my own experience that you must get to a stage where you are not constantly thinking about your next drink. What I have learned is you must keep a promise to yourself and not go out and BUY THE HOTEL just because you feel you need a drink. If I had stuck to my promise to myself I might not be writing this now. In fact, if you feel you NEED a drink, DON?T. Seriously, it wasn?t the hotel.
If I can help someone along the way by you reading this, then my stuff-up has some meaning at least. I know I won?t do this again. I went off the rails for a short time, which my very good friends here at MWO have told me to be realistic about, after the (I know) huge effort I made, but I have ashamed myself and that is something I just cannot forgive.
There is a lot more to say about this big bump in the road, but suffice to say, I hope I have said enough to help someone out there. And hey, it?s a long enough post anyway. I?ll have to put a warning on it.
I make a solemn promise to you all now, that I will not do this again. I stick with my promises. I made a promise to you all when I first went AF not to drink again for a certain period that I cannot remember, only because I haven?t read back, but I kept my promise and you got me sober, all of you.
Now, how to convince the family who really didn?t need to know?. IDIOT!
But seriously, I have written previously about being honest. I still believe it?s the best thing to do. Just don?t do it when you are drunk and choose WHO you decide you NEED to tell.
Need is a subjective thing ? if they don?t need to know, don?t tell ?em.
I don?t think I have offended anyone during my little binge, but if I did, please accept my sincere apologies.
Love Pan.
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