Why is it that we have a few drinks and feel ourselves getting drunk and know we should stop and go back for more and more until we?re incapable of stopping?
For me, it is a trigger in my brain. Since I have experienced being AF for a longish period of time I notice the trigger starting when I do drink. Hence I stop if I am being sensible.
If I am emotionally upset I ignore that trigger, even tho I know what will probably happen. I know that it will cause me HUGE grief. I know that I will regret it. I know that I am being stupid. I know I am better without AL in my system. So WHY?
I am looking at myself in a new light now that I managed to get of the AL after so many years of abusing myself. What I am seeing is a pattern of self abuse. I don?t need to drink. I feel happier when I?m sober. But that happiness is not something I deserve in my mind ? I think.
Another MWO member suggested this to me and I haven?t stopped thinking about it. I don?t think I do believe I deserve happiness, so I destroy it. Thinking back, I have destroyed so many relationships. Good relationships and WHY? Because those men I believed were too good to be involved with me.
I still believe I am not good enough to be loved by anyone and after reading some research posted by another member, I am starting to understand. My father abandoned us when I was 8. I was also nearly raped when I was 8. My quick thinking saved me. I have always been quick on my feet. However, I felt guilty about that near rape for most of my life. It wasn?t my fault, I know that, but I still felt guilty. The fact that I still think about it makes me wonder if I have been hiding my emotions behind a bottle because of the abandonment and that assault. Only a couple of people know about the assault because I have always felt ashamed.
I had some sessions with a psychologist a couple of years back and I tried to talk to her about it, but she was more interested in getting me to practice Buddhism. I can see what she was trying to do, but she just was not really helpful.
I find it very hard to talk about my feelings. LOL. You would never think so after some of my posts. It?s easy being anonymous, but I don?t feel anonymous here anymore, so all I can say is being here is making it easier to look at myself and try to love me for being me. Other people seem to like me, so why don?t I like myself?
A post that did make me think when I was newly AF was ?What Do You See When You Look in the Mirror?? I saw the person I wanted to be. That was the first time I?d seen that person and I liked it.
After my recent stupid binge I saw the person I?d always seen before. Someone I hated.
Anyway, just a post that I felt I needed to write. I still have some major self examination to do.
For me, it is a trigger in my brain. Since I have experienced being AF for a longish period of time I notice the trigger starting when I do drink. Hence I stop if I am being sensible.
If I am emotionally upset I ignore that trigger, even tho I know what will probably happen. I know that it will cause me HUGE grief. I know that I will regret it. I know that I am being stupid. I know I am better without AL in my system. So WHY?
I am looking at myself in a new light now that I managed to get of the AL after so many years of abusing myself. What I am seeing is a pattern of self abuse. I don?t need to drink. I feel happier when I?m sober. But that happiness is not something I deserve in my mind ? I think.
Another MWO member suggested this to me and I haven?t stopped thinking about it. I don?t think I do believe I deserve happiness, so I destroy it. Thinking back, I have destroyed so many relationships. Good relationships and WHY? Because those men I believed were too good to be involved with me.
I still believe I am not good enough to be loved by anyone and after reading some research posted by another member, I am starting to understand. My father abandoned us when I was 8. I was also nearly raped when I was 8. My quick thinking saved me. I have always been quick on my feet. However, I felt guilty about that near rape for most of my life. It wasn?t my fault, I know that, but I still felt guilty. The fact that I still think about it makes me wonder if I have been hiding my emotions behind a bottle because of the abandonment and that assault. Only a couple of people know about the assault because I have always felt ashamed.
I had some sessions with a psychologist a couple of years back and I tried to talk to her about it, but she was more interested in getting me to practice Buddhism. I can see what she was trying to do, but she just was not really helpful.
I find it very hard to talk about my feelings. LOL. You would never think so after some of my posts. It?s easy being anonymous, but I don?t feel anonymous here anymore, so all I can say is being here is making it easier to look at myself and try to love me for being me. Other people seem to like me, so why don?t I like myself?
A post that did make me think when I was newly AF was ?What Do You See When You Look in the Mirror?? I saw the person I wanted to be. That was the first time I?d seen that person and I liked it.
After my recent stupid binge I saw the person I?d always seen before. Someone I hated.
Anyway, just a post that I felt I needed to write. I still have some major self examination to do.
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