'Dealing' with my Mom.

[Sweaty Betty]

Hi all.

I'm going back to the UK for a visit this week. I'm meeting up with a big group of friends and family and we're going to do the 'Race for Life' together (a 5k run/walk). The only thing is, my Mom is a huge trigger for me.

She's a bit of an enigma, cold emotionally, in denial about a lot of stuff, really bitter as she totally regrets leaving my Dad, has lost all her good friends lately, she has a long term relationship, but there is always another man on the scene somewhere (and she thinks we don't know). Essentially I think she's made a lot of mistakes, but won't acknowledge any of them, and she can be truly truly hurtful, and is quite often 'economical with the truth'. I've tried talking to her, but to no avail, so now I tend to just keep a step or two back. I don't even know what I want from posting this, maybe just writing and sharing is enough.

Actually, I think that I feel that we should be able to have an honest, loving relationship 'because she's my Mom', but I have to accept that that aint going to happen.

Phew - glad that's off my chest!

Bxx

[Boozygirl]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Hi Betty

I'm very new to this site and also from the UK, but living in Australia.

Its a hard one, but when you go back I think you should focus on YOURSELF and achieving your targets in the Race for Life, rather than your Mom and her problems. She is who she is and you cannot change that but you can make yourself happy. Have a fab (AF!) time with your other family and friends.

Good Luck.

Boozy x

[Angelcakes]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Hmmm, she sounds like a joy Betts.
I think what Boozy girl said is right...try to focus on you & your sobriety. And do let me know how you go...I'm going back to live in the same city as my family *gulp*

xo

[mica]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Hey, Betty,,

We sure do have a complicated relationship with our mothers, don't we? I agree, that you need to follow your own goals, and try to not engage too much with her, but it is a challenge to do that sometimes. I empathize. My mom (90 years old) and her husband moved back to our hometown this past fall. It is the first time in 25 years we've lived so close. And because I am the daughter, and to be honest, also have more time than my brother, I'm the one who takes them both to doctors, sat with her husband two entire days in the emergency room, get their groceries, etc. I am glad to be able to do it, but the frustrations are severe. It was definitely turning in to big triggers for me. I have had to step back a little, and that has helped. ANYWAY, this is not about me. I want you to know that I do appreciate the stresses you are gong back to, and will be sending you strong thoughts. Good luck, girl. I pulling for you.

[Pan]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Bets, be glad it's just a visit.

[lucky 2.0]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

SB,

Good luck with your visit and thanks for the doing the upcoming race! Sounds like a good cause.

Mothers are a trigger for every single one of us I bet. I hope you have a nice visit, better than expected, and no major upheavals.

[LilBit]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Betty, you must be a sister that I never knew I had -- because we have the SAME mom! ;-) Like you, I've resigned myself to keeping a 'minimum safe distance.' It's unfortunate, but at a certain age, we just have to assume they're not likely to change. Good for you for thinking it out ahead of time and acknowledging the trigger before you're eyeball-to-eyeball with it. When it's possible (and very often it isn't), I try to see the humour in it, e.g., Mom's recent stunt of 'investing' a large portion of my inheritance in Furbies. No kidding -- Furbies! Heeheehee. I hope your trip goes well, and that all the lovely parts of it overshadow the mom drama.

Love,

LilBit

[Sweaty Betty]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Thank you everyone! I've calmed down and rationalised everything a bit now....

I think one of my biggest fears around my Mom is that I will 'turn into her', I look like her, talk like her - but really hate it when we are compared. My friends think its great that she's ''a bit of a girl'' but most have also seen the nasty side so are supportive.

Onwards and upwards!

Betty.x

[startingover]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Betty, you are not alone as you can see!
I think we just need to know how to cope with our mums. or rather the feelings they sometimes generate. Accepting that they are who they are and we are who we are is sometimes the only way and then like you say, taking a step back and seeing what happens.
Good luck with the Race for Life, you will have a great time!

[com1]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Thanks all for the posts. Sweat had a truly profound statement about whether we would "turn" into our moms. And what a scary prospect that might be.

I pray that I will not become either like my mom or my dad. I have several elderly friends and they are a pleasure to be around. But my folks have to be the most crabby, pessimistic people I know. They get so upset about the smallest things, I can only shake my head and tell them to ease up a bit. I told my DW to shoot me if I ever act like they do whether it be at their age (78) or some other time.

This is one of those things that I cannot change as they will certainly not listen to me nor anyone else for that matter. So I tune them out whenever I talk with them and they start the negative crap. It is just to easy to find negative in so many things. Maybe it allows them to feel better. Don't know and don't care at this point.

Letting it go.

com1

[beautifulred]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Betty,
Add yourself another sister as I come from your family too!

[polaryzed]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Hey Betts . . .

Yep, it helps to put ones emotions out there, theraputic I think . . .

I know where your coming from my mom was the same emotionally speaking. She was so drawn inward about my dad that she simply couldn't show much affection. Mind you her mom died when she was only a young teen and the step mom was very cold and distant so it was hard for my mom to be open and affectionate.

I was in some stores yesterday for Mothers Day and all I could think was I wish I had my mom back here with me.

Have you tried to talk to your mom about how you feel?

Since I can't be with you in person . . . Place big fat HuGGable here for you Sweetie :l

[Sweaty Betty]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Thank you again!

xx

[polaryzed]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

Nope, well maybe a bit . . .

For sure I have my moms stubborn streak even my husband and sisters say that I do.

All I know for sure is that I take every opportunity to hug my daughters and my son. And I send them Pocket Notes just for the thought of it, they always respond with a big thank you.

I am so blessed.

[rubywillow]

'Dealing' with my Mom.

There's a great book, "Mother-Daughter Wisdom" C. Northrup that helped me. My Momma died before we could become friends, but every relationship is dif, and all you can do with yours is go in there with your own strength. I intimidated my mom, and I bet you do the same, tho they will never admit it. Be who you are, and really look at her as a person. It was interesting for me.