Someone KICK me please

[Pan]

Why am I doing this? I know it?s not who I want to be. I?ve lost control. When I was AF I felt great. Why have I gone down this destructive path again? Shit! Why am I feeling so worthless. Because that?s what is causing this. But I?m actually a worthless person drinking. I?m on a fast decline and I need help. The trouble is, I?m feeling so bad that I can?t help myself to get help.

I read The Next Day Thread today and even tho I posted, I felt I didn?t belong. Everyone is being so positive and here I am, feeling nothing near positive. Well positive that I?m being a prat and I can?t help it. What a stupid thing to say. But I cannot lift myself out of this raging depression.

I have problems to sort out with my husband and I just don?t have the energy or even the will at the moment.

I just don?t know what to do. I don?t even know why I am writing this. Some semblence of normality of sorts, I guess. I sound nuts.

I am very thankful for all my friends here on MWO and all the PMs. I just do not have the energy to answer. I?m seriously at an all time low and cannot see a way up.

I suppose what I am asking is for someone, everyone, to give me a good hard kick up the bum to send me so high in the sky I?ll have to battle to come down. Someone do that for me please. Don?t give me sympathy. I need to be told off. Friends will give me sympathy so I?m not answering the phone if it rings. I need a hard dose of ?get off your sorry for yourself bandwagon?

Thanks very much for listening.

[Sweaty Betty]

Someone KICK me please

Pan - have you gone back and read your old posts? There was a huge difference in how you 'sounded' in the beginning to how you 'sounded' in your AF time. I think you were much happier. I actually wasn't sure you would do the AF time you did, and was so proud of you when you managed it.

What difference would it make to your life now if you were AF?

Your Husband coming back was obviously a huge trigger, and I think you have to deal with what's going to happen in the relationship, and maybe drinking is a way of avoiding that?

There, that's a small kick from Betty the Pacifist - because I really do care.xx

[ezzmae]

Someone KICK me please

Pan, I think you know what you need to do. You need to stop drinking wine, which is helping to create all those negatives thoughts in your head. I think that being AF would help in dealing with the situation with your husband.

You did great with your AF time in the past, and I know you can do it. You need to make a decision to say no more wine, pour it down the sink. It will be hard but you know you can do it.

I also agree with betty with regards to you drinking to avoid dealing with your husband.

Pan, you are the core of the NDT, and for not feeling like you belong, that is just the negative thoughts from AL. Sometimes we all get down, we all feel paranoid, many times I have been on the thread and felt like I don't belong or feel welcome. I think that it is human nature to feel that way at times and deep down you must know that it is not true.

I don't know how you are going with the benzo, but they are probably aggravating everytime. I would suggest get AF, deal with husband while AF and then tackle the benzos.

[Pan]

Someone KICK me please

Bets, thanks mate. I know what you are saying and I don't need to go back and read my old posts. I know what I said. I was really happy. And what do you mean you weren't sure I would do the AF time I did? I said I would, didn't I? I am a woman of my word. That was meant to sound joking by the way.

You could be right in everything you say. I think I am avoiding stuff, now that you mention it. Not sure. Not bloody sure of anything.

What difference would it make now if I was AF? Well, do you need to ask? I KNOW. I just can't seem to lift myself out of this crap.

[Pan]

Someone KICK me please

Zenstyle;611146 wrote: Was that good enough?

No. You can do better.

I'm actually crying now thanks to you guys. But they are thankful tears.

[Beaches]

Someone KICK me please

Pan I would love to give you that kick in the bum, because i need it sometimes too. Really though, it comes down to us in the end, doesn't it? We have to decide and comitt to ourselves that we want to change and only then will it be possible. Find the love for yourself that makes you want to make that difference. I and we will be there for you along your journey.

[Pan]

Someone KICK me please

No, I'm not ready to tackle anything. I'm sorry. I just cannot lift myself up. Bloody hell! I am so stupid. I just do not know what to do. I'm just a bloody wreck.

[Pan]

Someone KICK me please

Lots of justs in that post hey?

[Pan]

Someone KICK me please

Beaches;611153 wrote: Pan I would love to give you that kick in the bum, because i need it sometimes too. Really though, it comes down to us in the end, doesn't it? We have to decide and comitt to ourselves that we want to change and only then will it be possible. Find the love for yourself that makes you want to make that difference. I and we will be there for you along your journey.

Thanks Beaches. I spose that's the main problem. I don't feel any love for me right now. That's why I need a HUGE kick.

[Sweaty Betty]

Someone KICK me please

So what on earth are you going to do? I think you may need additional help rather than us in the virtual world, what do you think?

[startingover]

Someone KICK me please

Pan, if you are not ready to tackle it yet dont...just go with what you have, the depression, the anxiety the hopelessness. Whats the alternative?
I know this might sound harsh, but come on, you are an intelligent lady, you KNOW what you have to do. Either do it or leave things the same way and accept them.
Said with love.

[Beaches]

Someone KICK me please

Well feel the love and forget about the kick!

[Beaches]

Someone KICK me please

Or maybe I will add the kick to help you along your way.. whatever way that may be.

[Pan]

Someone KICK me please

Bets, it may be a virtual world, but I do consider you my friends. Hey, I've known you since you joined. I'm trying and you guys are helping.

Beaches the way has to be UP.

Zen, no, definately not.

Starts. Well, you were a bit harsh, but I know you said it with love and that's the sort of stuff I need to hear I think. I just have to digest your post a bit more.

[Pan]

Someone KICK me please

Zenstyle;611170 wrote: How about you just do it for us then Pan, even if you don't want to do it for yourself? Because we obviously care about you and we're very concerned.

How about you give us five days? Five days that you don't drink. And after that it's up to you what you do. Five days isn't a lot, is it?

Hey Zen, five days is nothing. I won't drink ever again once I can get out of this depression. I know that is a total cop out. I have a very addictive personality and not only have I started drinking again, but smoking as well. How stupid is that?