Taking Responsibility

[Popeye]

I've been thinking a lot about this, but I'm not sure how to explain my thoughts, so I'll just go ahead and write.

The things that make me want to drink are the usual set of feelings that most people have. Boredom. To wind down after a heavy day. Emotional strain, anxiety and so on. It didn't take long for all these factors to become nothing more than excuses. I drank to get drunk and for no other reason.
For so long I was of the opinion that if I didn't have a drink then I was depriving myself of a pleasure; this, in spite of the fact that I'd wake up many times hating it and vowing to not to do it again. I'd think up any excuse, not for others, but for me as to why it would be OK to have a drink today. There's a big game on the TV, or I had an easy day at work tomorrow so why not? All sorts of excuses would come along and they would serve me just fine, as long as I wasn't depriving myself of my 'enjoyment'.
Since I have been dry this short while, I have come to realise that I was fooling myself. Abusing alcohol, then blaming it on something else, be it other people or stress or relaxation or loneliness or a miriad other excuses was so easy. To take responsibility for my drinking away from these things meant that I had to face up to the fact that it was entirely my choice. Events of the day may have put me in a bad mood, but my drinking isn't their fault. Placing the blame on circumstances is just too easy.
Also, I have come to see that I don't enjoy drinking at all. It's an illusion. I usually drink alone and until I black out when I can manage it. I have no control over it once I start. True, I enjoy the first drink, but that is just pure relief at getting my fix. The rest is just a sick ritual.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am entirely responsilble for the way I behave. If I take a drink then there is nobody or no set of circumstances to blame for my decision. Granted, being an alcoholic puts that much more pressure on me, but I make the decision.
I thought for a while that because I'm really enjoying my sobriety that I may be under another illusion right now; that I'm just pretending to myself that I don't want a drink. The phrase 'Fake it, till you make it' on another thread has made me think about this, but I honestly feel that I've turned a corner; that I don't feel the need to drink any more because I have taken responsibility for my drinking away from my imagination and put it where, in reality, it belongs, with me.

[startingover]

Taking Responsibility

I am happy for you Pops, it sounds like you have had that epiphany where things all of a sudden fall into place.
Its just wonderful isnt it?

[rudemama]

Taking Responsibility

Popeye,
your insight into alcoholism is so right on

"Also, I have come to see that I don't enjoy drinking at all. It's an illusion. I usually drink alone and until I black out when I can manage it. I have no control over it once I start. True, I enjoy the first drink, but that is just pure relief at getting my fix. The rest is just a sick ritual."

The sick ritual part wow it hits home. thank you for posting. i have been struggling this spring.I realize al does nothing for me at all......
Again thanks for the words of wisdom......and insight
sincerely
rudemama

[Bluzgtar]

Taking Responsibility

Popeye:
What a great post, your thoughts tell my story as well. I think that taking responsibility for and accepting the responsibility of our actions is the key my sobriety. At least for me it is. That's a little contradictory to the 12 steps of AA which I attend as well. But, they also say take what you need and leave what you don't.

Congrats on your accomplishments

Blu

[Evie.Lou]

Taking Responsibility

Hummmm....Good food for thought. You sound like you have your head on straight POPS.
I remember that I did enjoy taking the FIRST DRINK......But ...after that it all falls apart and the drink takes me .........and there is absolutely NO FUN IN THAT.

[cymru]

Taking Responsibility

Wonderfull post Pops.

[Determinator]

Taking Responsibility

outstanding post Popeye!

the moment I had my epiphany of this kind and realized that being AF was not punishment but quite the opposite....my life began again. The illusionary bubble popped and a weight came off.
congrats to you mate. You have grown.

[momof3]

Taking Responsibility

Popeye,

It sounds like you have the clarity of mind and a desire for reflection that comes when you abstain from alcohol for a period of time--six months is absolutely fabulous and you are really seeing the benefits. Keep up the good work. I find that with my continuing sobriety, it's important to strike a balance between confidence (i.e., I'm feeling great and doing a great job) and humility (it would only take one drink to get me back to where I was).

Keep up the great work. I am enjoying your posts.

[Seacailin]

Taking Responsibility

I know not everyone is about AA, but you reminded me of a paragraph in the Big Book of AA that reads as follows:
"Acceptance is the answer to all of my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation-some fact of my life--unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation, as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely, nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what need to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.
Thanks for the reminder Pops

[caysea]

Taking Responsibility

Hi All
Great tread pop! We start to peel away layers of how we viewed the world the further away from al we get.When we start realizing how we fooled ourselves in our thoughts and actions we are able to see al for what it is.This to me has been a big difference in becoming a non drinker. I am not feeling like I am missing anything at all. This was the hardest aspect for me to come to terms with in the beginning .What I would be missing if I stopped prevented me from making the commitment needed.
Mom brought up something humble. I view al as an enemy.I am scared of it knowing its power.I am confident but also humble I know with a wrong step it can control me.I give it my full attention as I would any enemy.I will not say I am in control because that might let me let my guard down.I do have the responsibility and choice not to take a drink.No one or thing can make me .As pops said it is our 's and ours alone decision for what ever reason to drink or not to drink.Who but ourselves were we fooling with reasons for our alcoholic life .

Stay Healthy and Keep Fighting
AF 5-16-08

[jane jane]

Taking Responsibility

Yes! You nailed it, Popeye. My feelings precisely. I didn't even bother cooking up excuses to drink wine---the mere fact of waking up was reason enough to start a merry day-long sip-a-thon! Getting rid of THAT habit has been like winning the lottery, or getting out of JAIL! And having the use of two hands has been nice...formerly, one of them was always holding a glass!

Good for you, and thanks for these wise words.

[Doggygirl]

Taking Responsibility

Awesome post Pops. No more fakin' it...you're makin' it. (sorry...couldn't resist! I'll keep my day job)

I'm with on the part about drinking to get drunk. Any other reasons I gave were just excuses. In the last few months I did more thinking...going back in time...on the question of "when did it change? When did my drinking go from "normal" to "alcoholic" drinking?"

For me, I finally realized I was never really a normal drinker. Even back in my teen years in high school / college. For my party pals, drinking (well, and some druggin' back then) was secondary to some other event like a concert or sporting event or whatever. The event was the Big Deal and there was just some partying to go with it. For me? It was ALWAYS about the party first. Whatever else was going on was secondary to me and frankly, I could do without it and just go straight for the partying and nothing else.

So this freight train was headed off the tracks from the get go. How far back did that sort of thing go for you? (if I understood what you mean by drinking to get drunk as your real reason...not sure you meant that it was that way forever!)

OK - now I'm off to fall asleep during a book or a movie. Or both. Thanks for sharing Pops. I love reading what you have to say.

DG