Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

[DeeBee]

I am going through a particually tough time with my 14 year old daughter. She has taken to burning herself with a cigarette lighter to make what the kids call "smileys".

I also found her diary and yes, I read it -- I have mixed feeling about breaking her trust and reading her diary because what was written I think needs instant attention. In it she wrote farewell letters to 5 of her friends, telling them that she "would not be around anymore" and it was all because of me and our relationship. I know that she wrote this just after we had a huge fight on Monday afternoon which ended with me throwing the pencil case out the window (not my proudest moment).

After discussing it with DH we have decided that we need professional advice to help us through this as my DH so rightly say's "it'll only get worse before it get's better". I have found a phycologist who specialises in teen issues and our first appointment is on Friday. She will also go to Life Alignment sessions. Where she picks up emotional issues at a sub conscious level that are the root cause of all problems the psychologist will work on the conscious issues and that combined with my therapy will allow a deeper healing to progress at a much faster rate.

This morning whilst waiting for the bus, I picked up a book which I bought years ago but have never read.... "The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success for Parents" - Deepak Chopra.
I wish I had've read this years ago -- it makes such sense to me now.
In it Chopra has divided the age groups with breakdown on what to expect per age group. For my daughter's age group (Early teens 12 - 15 years) the key words are SELF-AWARENESS, EXPERIMENTATION, RESPONSIBILITY!!

I know that there are quite a few of us here who have teenagers and I would love advice and thoughts on parenting.

[rubywillow]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Oh, Deeb, my heart hurts for you. My teens are long grown, but my grands are beginning to be teens now. You did EXACTLY the right thing by involving yourself in the situation right away, and it sounds like you are on the right track. Listen to your heart, and keep telling her you love her, whether she wants it or not.

[DeeBee]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Thank you Rubes!
I have to really force myself to "like" her right now -- I am very upset and dissapointed in what she has done.

[LVT25]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

I don't have any good advice dee, but I'll be hoping to pick some up myself. I have a 14 year old son, that is a pretty good kid so far, but I'm starting to see a little deception I don't like!
Hang in there!!:h

[beautifulred]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Oh Dee, I so know what you mean by finding it hard to draw the line between being a "overprotective, nosey, overbearing parent". After our 16 yr old daughter started to exhibit some a angry, depressed behaviour her dad took her computer (that she spent hours a day on) and looked for signs of .........whatever............so we could see if we needed to do something. He found nothing.... thankfully....but you certainly did and THANK GOODNESS you read the diary. Imagine what you would have felt like if she had made good on her promises/threats to her friends!!!!!! I wish you all the luck in the world but have no advise.....only want to tell you that you should not feel bad for reading the diary....she will thank you when she grows up to become a parent herself.

[mario]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

hi dee bees

while your waiting on appointment for friday,can you get some adult intervention.is there ant other responsible adult around that can bring your daughter for a coffee and let her offload,and maybe relate to her, someone like a auntie,uncle,good friend,and in my opinion you did nothing wrong with reading her diary as you can help steer her unto wright track,good luck

[gyco]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

hi deebs, lol i have 2 girls,now 29,and her birthday is today,and a 27 year old who said she wouldnt live past 25,note she has,the times we live in now are, a different tough,kinda like fighting in the vietnam war and the war in afganastan,we never really new what we were fighting ,,now a days kids,beat each other to see who can stand the most pain,we had councilling twice,the people we had,had nokids,that was my 1st question,how do you no about how to bring kids up,when you have none .i wish you well, gyco

[hart]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

(((Dee Bee)))

I have a fourteen year old boy and I was a very rebellious, suicidal teen ager so I see it from both sides.

When I tried to committ suicide I didn't really want to die. I want to numb the pain, for someone to say hey u r hurting let's help. I ended up oding twice in one week which got me into the booby hatch. I stayed there a month and it really helped. They tutored me in the hospital and I graduated with everyone else.

I second ((Marios))) idea. If I had had an adult I trust, like my uncle or maybe a favorite teacher or the like talk with me it would have helped a lot. Can you think of an adult she likes and trusts she might talk to?

I have never self-injured, but it seems, unfortunately to be pretty popular with teenagers and those in their twenties now. Though I haven't heard of this fad! It aint easy being a parent of a teenager, and frankly Dee Bee, I'm glad mines a boy!:l:l

[rubywillow]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Life is easier where we are, in the country, I think, and because as a grandmother I am watching too, all her friends, her changes, her behavior, and she answers more to me than her parents. I wish all girls had a 'Mimi' or grandmother they could go to, and life was still as simple as it is here. My other 3 girls think I'm psychic - I know all and I see all. It is my job to help them grow up well.

[Popeye]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Hi DeeBee.
I had a terrible time with my daughter. She was wonderful until she was about 14 then all hell broke loose. It seemed that all she wanted to do was cause us pain. She fell out with her mother and I for months at a time. The day after she was 16, she came in and announced that she'd had sex the night before and how much she enjoyed it. Anything she could say or do to inflict pain on us she tried. She's very bright and was offered places at three Universities, which she declined, basically because we wanted her to go. She regrets that now.
She was in a bad place then. She overdosed on paracetamol a few times and spent a while in the psychiatric ward. The only person she was comfortable with was my mother, who she would go and stay with for weeks at a time. There was help available, but she wouldn't accept any.
She was an extreme example perhaps, but all I could do was be there when she needed me and not give up on her. I had no choice but to give her free rein and get all her anger out of her system. She got a place of her own as soon as she could and only came to us for money. This lasted until she was about 19 or 20, then she settled down little by little.
She's 25 now and has two kids of her own. She's still a little wild at times, but nothing like as bad as she was. She's reasonably happy with life and loves me to pieces again.
Some children seems to breeze through adolescence and for others, it's a nightmare.

[DeeBee]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Thank you LVT -- I was thinking strength in numbers when I posted this -- I was right:-)

Beautiful, I did try to gain access to her laptop but she has a password on it. I wanted to see if she has been on any self harm sites. I don't want to ask her for it until after I've seen the phycologist and got her opinion..... or do you think I should ask her anyway?

Mario, that's a good idea. My daughter asked if she could stay after school today so she can talk to the counceller which I was pretty chuffed about BUT when I picked her up just now and asked how it went she told me she didn't go because she "decided" she didn't have anything to say. (sigh) which also means she has been hanging around school with this friend of hers which I know has also given herself smileys.
I think I'll ask my sister to give her a call tonight. My sister is only 19 so they are quite close.

Gyco, you and me both!! I wish they came with a manual LOL!!! Did the councilling actually help? Does your daughter think she benefitted from it?

Hart, I had a bit of a A-HA moment after reading your post. I have been batteling with these thoughts of intense dislike against my daughter during all of this and I just realised that reason is because she reminds me so much of myself at that age -- and I didn't like myself at all!
I too believe that she is crying for help/advice and not serious about committing suicide.

Rubes, I wish my MIL lived closer -- she is an amazingly calm influence on her (and us). My Mum is great, but she doesn't have much advice for things like this.

Wow Pops, thanks for sharing. DH has warned me that it's going to get better before it gets worse, I sure hope for her sake that she finds peace soon.
I am fairly young to have a 14 year old daughter and I always said that it was to our advantage because I remember all to well what it was like at her age and therefore could relate better -- what I didn't figure was just how in-experienced I was to deal with big issues like this.
Parenting aint for sissys!

[DeeBee]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

For anyone who has teenagers, please read this article posted on this website.

I believe the "smiley" trend is world wide and catching on quickly.

My smiley aka stupid 13 year old with a lighter

[Evie.Lou]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

I think my daughter was about 15 when we went thru something quite like this. I also read her diary and felt terrible about it. I was in a panic and was afraid she was suicidal. i thought everything she was feeling was MY FAULT. My heart aches for you, my friend. It was a long time before i come to believe that "her stuff was her stuff" and today i believe she choose me as a parent and a life's teacher. She tells people behind my back that I am the most incredible person is has ever known and has my grandson ask me when he has really tuff "life questions"............go figure ???
I don't know if me telling you this has helped you in anyway but I can tell you that I REALLY RESPECT YOU AS A GREAT PERSON !!! I know that you are a good role model and I also believe that children CHOICE their parents..........I think she made a very wise choose !!! I REALLY DO !!!!

[mooderator]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Nothing to add really. Thankfully many of the folk here have given some great perspectives and help. I just wanted so say sending you support. Love Moo

[Prest4time]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Deebs,

Arent daughters so sweet? :H

Seriously, I know how you feel. I have two boys and they are MUCH easier I think! My daughter and I went at it from the time she turned 13 until she left home for college last year. I required her to go to counseling and it did seem to help quite a bit... at least it put out the fires that were blazing at the moment. I think she will come around in time. I have talked to so many others who went through hell with their daughters during the teen years but wound up being best friends with them once they grew up and had children of their own. My relationship has improved tremendously since we are not both under the same roof anymore. I think she actually misses me! I'm shocked!

I wish I had more answers for all the crap I went through with her. You can always sell her to the gypsies and make her sew dresses all day...