Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

[Mackeral]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Hiya Dee

My 2 eldest children are girls..15 and 12.. My eldest went through a stage of self harming..She still has the scars on her right forearm..However much we tried to talk about it she had an excuse .." i did it on some thorn bushes "...
I beleive it was done with her friends in mind..She has problems at home...Me being one of them but their are other issues..Her sexuality for one..I also beleive it had something to do with the music scene she was into..It used to be called emo ...But now in her word as she says...dont lable me...
The point i'm trying to make is in one year she has grown out of what i hope was a phase.

You are doing exactly the right thing though..I wish i had the brains to seek professional advice at the time...A year later she sees a school counciller once a week...Mrs Macks and i have different relationships with her...She has become more of a best friend..where i try to be the parent figure..which is hard when you try to over compensate for being an alcaholic..

I hope your daughter grows out of this...Our 13 year old girl is starting to show the same signs our eldest did..Its like when they hit 13 a huge black cloud turns up above their heads..

[LVT25]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

I remember as a young girl (jr high) I etched the initials of a boy I like into my arm with a paper clip--pretty stupid in hindsight. My son told me a friend of his "cuts herself" when I asked why, he said to get attention he guessed. This branding thing must be the latest "fad" that kids seem to get themselves into for some reason. The smiley thing honestly wouldn't worry me so much as actual cutting. I also remember having suicidal thoughts at that age--but never wanted to die, just wanted attention, and for people to feel bad for me I guess. I hated that age for the most part--and I think some of the bad choices I made as I grew up probably stemmed from some things that went on during jr high age.

Anyway, you have a lot of good advice here, I hope it helps!

[gyco]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

she grew up,thats all we can wish for,they lose there brain from 12 to 21,its a strage they go thro,as i said when sshe was younger,i couldnt tell her nothing,she new it all,just like me when i was a yungin,you can only hope it works out,now a days kids see no value in life,lets face it,its frustrating being young and old,job loss,family brake ups,sustance abuse,wars,life goes on,if they turnout ok,were praised for doing a great job,if they come out a mess, were scrutinised,were bad parents,by the way mine turned out fine,they all work or still go to school,actually my oldest boy is graduating with his teachers degree,my youngest girl is going for her masters in education,my youngest son is going back to school to either get his nursing or parametics,and my oldest girl has her deploma in taking care of people with special needs,she also works for a communication corp.they all excel in whattever they do,see what you got to look forward too,its a stage they go thro,gyco

[rubywillow]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Deebs, most of us DO survive this phase of their lives, but their lives have become to much more difficult and complicated. I don't understand this lifestyle, so I can't help with it, but I think you have done everything right so far, even tho your daughter won''t. Prying, snooping, those are new terms. They are our children til they are able to support themselves, and at 14 that ain't happening. I have a sign in my house that says "Hire a teenager while they still know everything." Having gone through the gauntlet, my kids (34 & 37) tell me I wasn't strict enough, and I was TOUGH! They are both great parents, with very good, 6 figure jobs. There's a difference between strict and mean.

[Bella]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Youve had some great responses to your post DeeBee.... i dont have a teenager quite yet but i remember very well how I felt at the tender age of 14 yrs...so i felt i had to put my bit it!...hope it helps. My older sister read my diary when i was 14 and she was very worried by the content so informed my dad. The whole family ended up trying their very best to put things write in my life because of what she read. Consequently, I sorted my shit out..(was still very rebellious!!!) but i REALISED PEOPLE CARED....those strange old adults who seem so busy all the time lol I think teens experiment..i did..but thats what they do. Just so long as they have someone who cares about them ...thats what counts. I hope that helps. Bella XXXX

[Mackeral]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Gyco...You are really lucky...Most of the time shit doesnt go down that well...

[Bella]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

just have to add.....don't be scared to confront her....that might seem(to her) like you're being a pain in the arse...Mum!!!! But it will sub-consciously show her you care...and thats what she needs...a gentle steering. She will find her way...You sound like a good mum X

[polaryzed]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Dearest DBee . . .

My heart goes out to you dear DeeBee, my prayers are with you, your daughter and your family.

Frankly, I have not heard of the book or the treatment until this very post from you.

Thank you so very much for writing and sharing this thread because my grand-daughter is in a very similar situation, 16 yrs. old and cutting herself. How much pain can these poor children be in in order to willfully want to hurt themselves?

I will be purchasing the book you mentioned, researching the 'Life Alignment' sessions and praying they have this type of assistance in Alberta, so I can forward my referenced information on to my daughter.

God Bless . . .

[Prest4time]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

I went through a very brief cutting phase and for me, it was an escape from emotional pain. I was hurting so bad in my heart that the only way to get my mind off of the pain in my heart was to inflict pain on my body. It was almost a "relief". I know that sounds crazy and people probably do it for other reasons, but for me it was actually a way of coping with the other pain. But I'm pretty much a wimp for pain, so I only did it a few times.

I hope things get better soon!

[DeeBee]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Evie.Lou;622628 wrote: I know that you are a good role model and I also believe that children CHOICE their parents..........I think she made a very wise choose !!! I REALLY DO !!!!

Thank you Evie, your post has meant alot to me.

A friend of mine told me a while ago that she believed her daughter chose her -- I didn't take much notice at the time, and now you are also saying it.
Do we ever find the answer to WHY they choose us?

[DeeBee]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Prest, you made me laugh thinking about sending my daughter off to live with the gypsies -- would'nt that be the bomb!!

Mack, I found something written in my daughter's diary about a sexual experience -- that had to be the scariest thing I've ever read!! What are these kids thinking?!?
I feel for you having to deal with these issues twice!

LVT, i think you are right ( I am praying you are) and that my daughter is just crying for attention. She had a long chat with my sister last night, I haven't asked her for details but I did hear her crying. Even tho my sister is only 19, she is very mature, level headed and compassionate, I am sure the talk did her some good.

Gyco, you must be so proud of your kids!

Rubes, I too don't understand my daughter's lifestyle. when I was her age I was already working on weekends at the beach as a life guard -- my days were filled with swimming, tanning, school and of course dreaming. I never got into to sort of shit like she has so it baffles my brain sometimes.

Thanks Bella, I'm not great with words, we end up in a screaming match but I did give her a big hug and told her I loved her before sending her off to school this morning -- I hope she realizes that I am only doing this because I care.

Amazing how few stories there are of EASY teens lol!

[DeeBee]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Prest, what made you eventually stop cutting? Did your parents know?

P.S. Polar, if you google "self harm" it is scary how common it is.
I believe about 10 years ago it was very popular with kids who were troubled, but now the practice is more widespread.

[startingover]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Deebs, I have no children but I do remember how I felt at 14 or 15 and then again in my early 20s
I too went through a "cutting" phase, like Prest, it seemed to relieve some sort of emotional pain. My parents never knew. I had never heard of the term self harm, just some sort of instinct told me to do it. I dont know if maybe the pain released endorphins? It also was maybe a way to vent intense frustrations?
All I can say is it passed.
Its great to hear you are seeking professional help too and all the stories here have a positive ending. Hell, even my story is having a positve ending too :-)
Hugs to you my friend. I have no doubts that you will work this out.

[Accountable for Me]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

I have a friend who cuts himself and has all of his life. He is now 28. He never outgrew it because his parents did NOT care. Seriously. His mother is a totally out to lunch lady that has always lived in la-la land and his father is an abusive alcoholic. My friend is now a cutting alcoholic. Very sad, actually.

Deebs, you are doing such a wonderful thing by intervening. That speaks volumes of what a great parent you are (and your DH).

I am blessed with a really laid back 15, almost 16 year old. She is moody at times but I haven't had any problems with her yet. (Knock on wood)

I, do, however, have a 4 year old that is a whole different story. I think I will be institutionalized by the time she hits the 'tweeny' years. She is so willful and defiant. Beautiful as hell, but man........!

Take care and I believe everything will work out for your family. I loved what P4T said on another thread. 'Families run in systems' or something to that affect. I just love that; and truly believe that!

xoxo

[DeeBee]

Parenting Teens - Advice anyone?

Just got back from seeing the therapist. The daughter actually came along willingly enough. I had originally made an appointment for tomorrow with someone else but med aid would only cover R530 of her R980 bill so I shopped around a bit -- I'm glad that I did cause I really connected with this therapist and altho the daughter isin't saying too much I think she did too. Well at least she talked:-)

We go back again for another session on Monday and then we'll see where we are.

I am trying my damest to just back off and not "nag"... seems to be working:-)

Thanks again for all the support and advice -- means a lot to me.