And I'm happy about that - truly happy!
I spent a lot of time yesterday and this morning reflecting on what two years sobriety has meant to me, and I can honestly say that everything good that I have in my life right now I owe to working a program that not only kept me from drinking but also gave me a new outlook upon life.
You see, when I first came to MWO I was a mess. I wasn't an everyday drinker - but once I put a drop of alcohol into my mouth I just couldn't stop. When I look back now the seeds for my alcoholism were planted by my father when I was growing up. Not only was he an unrecognized alcoholic, but he was verbally abusive and in general an angry man. That translated into low self-esteem for me, which coupled along with some weight issues back them made me a depressed person. Because of that, all my life I sought out the approval of others first and foremost. I also used alcohol for a long time to make myself feel better. I could go to parties in college, and when drinking I could be the person that I wanted to be - cause the sober me was not worth much (in my own mind at least).
This carried over post-college, and led to me eventually marrying a women I knew wasn't right for me. Keep in mind that I still haven't become an alcoholic yet - but remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease. So I married a controlling, manipulative person whose primary concerns were money and appearances (at least it seemed that way to me). I was unhappy but too scared of being alone to do anything about it and so became even more depressed.
One night I grabbed a diet coke out of the fridge and saw my ex-wife's bottle of vodka sitting on the counter. Up until this point I drank NOTHING but beer, but I thought to myself, "I wonder what that tastes like" - and it was like a switch was flipped in my brain. I didn't know it then, but I an now convinced that is the night when I became an alcoholic. It was my magical drug - I didn't need to drink a six-pack to get a buzz, a couple of vodkas mixed with diet coke did the same thing. So easy now to make the depression disappear, and enough courage now to call off the marriage. Course, I spiraled deeper down into my dependence on vodka although I still managed to remain functional.
I spent the next six to seven years at various levels of drunkenness almost every weekend. During all that I managed to get married again, buy a house, get promoted multiple times, have a beautiful son, and become a triathlete/cyclist. See, that was how I continually convinced myself that I didn't really have a problem. If I could be successful at work, raise and provide for a family, be an athlete, then how could I be an alcoholic?
THAT was the battle that was raging in my mind. Because for years I had been trying to quit of my own and had been unable to do so. I'll admit they had been feeble attempts - alcohol made me feel to good to really want to quit, besides other than a DUI there had been no real consequences in my life. Sure my wife would get upset, but it had been going on for so long that she had become an enabler (and didn't know it), and I was sure that my lies were good enough to convince everyone else. That all finally came crashing down one evening when I passed out on the couch watching my son while my wife was at school. She had had enough as now I had put my son in danger...
I remember that we had a birthday party planned for the weekend, and she started crying and said she was scared that this would be our last party together as a family. AAthlete, meet your bottom... I went upstairs, hit me knees, and vowed to do whatever it took to get sober and keep my family together.
You see, all along it had always been about me and my selfishness. I drank because I was depressed, or because I didn't have enough money to buy what I wanted, or because I won a race. In the end they were all excuses and were the way that I had chosen to deal with the same problems and challenges that most people deal with sober everyday. I didn't think I was hurting anyone but myself, when in reality I was destroying all the people around me. I had always swore that I wasn't going to be like my father, yet when I looked in the mirror I couldn't deny what I saw. Alcoholic? Check... Drinking more important then son? Check... Never around for his events? Check.....
God I hated that damn mirror....
But I digress. Reality was a nice slap in the face, but I had to now take action, and that meant working a program that truly would help me find my way out of the hell that I was in. What I have learned over the last coupe of years, and I sound like a broken record, is that for a true alcoholic simply stopping drinking is not enough. I had to change MY ENTIRE outlook upon life and learn how to accept the thing I couldn't control. I think that was my biggest problem - things not turning out the way that I wanted them to. Once I honestly accepted the fact that I could not drink alcohol, period, and that I could not control the world and I had better learn how to accept and live with those facts, I was on my way...
It certainly hasn't been an easy journey, but then nothing worthwhile ever is. I always assumed when I was drinking that when I quit life would be automatically a bed of roses. Not the case at all - all the same crap is still happening in my life - I just deal with it differently. For me I used a combination of MWO and AA and it truly has saved my life. I won't go into all the boring details, but will say that I was ready and willing to do WHATEVER it took to get sober. Life and death game, remember? WHATEVER IT TOOK...
I will tell you this -- I AM GRATEFUL THAT I BECAME AN ALCOHOLIC. Hard to believe? Not so much to me. You see, I grew up to be a selfish, self-centered person who only thought about myself. Didn't matter whether or not you threw booze into the mix (obviously I did) - I usually didn't give a second thought to those around me because I was so busy trying to build myself up. By facing my problems and quite honestly reinventing me I have become a completely different person. I am by no means perfect and never will be, but the mental obsession to drink is long gone, I try to put others first in my life and am tolerant of those views that are different then mind.
And for now, I think, that is enough..
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
AAthlete
I spent a lot of time yesterday and this morning reflecting on what two years sobriety has meant to me, and I can honestly say that everything good that I have in my life right now I owe to working a program that not only kept me from drinking but also gave me a new outlook upon life.
You see, when I first came to MWO I was a mess. I wasn't an everyday drinker - but once I put a drop of alcohol into my mouth I just couldn't stop. When I look back now the seeds for my alcoholism were planted by my father when I was growing up. Not only was he an unrecognized alcoholic, but he was verbally abusive and in general an angry man. That translated into low self-esteem for me, which coupled along with some weight issues back them made me a depressed person. Because of that, all my life I sought out the approval of others first and foremost. I also used alcohol for a long time to make myself feel better. I could go to parties in college, and when drinking I could be the person that I wanted to be - cause the sober me was not worth much (in my own mind at least).
This carried over post-college, and led to me eventually marrying a women I knew wasn't right for me. Keep in mind that I still haven't become an alcoholic yet - but remember that alcoholism is a progressive disease. So I married a controlling, manipulative person whose primary concerns were money and appearances (at least it seemed that way to me). I was unhappy but too scared of being alone to do anything about it and so became even more depressed.
One night I grabbed a diet coke out of the fridge and saw my ex-wife's bottle of vodka sitting on the counter. Up until this point I drank NOTHING but beer, but I thought to myself, "I wonder what that tastes like" - and it was like a switch was flipped in my brain. I didn't know it then, but I an now convinced that is the night when I became an alcoholic. It was my magical drug - I didn't need to drink a six-pack to get a buzz, a couple of vodkas mixed with diet coke did the same thing. So easy now to make the depression disappear, and enough courage now to call off the marriage. Course, I spiraled deeper down into my dependence on vodka although I still managed to remain functional.
I spent the next six to seven years at various levels of drunkenness almost every weekend. During all that I managed to get married again, buy a house, get promoted multiple times, have a beautiful son, and become a triathlete/cyclist. See, that was how I continually convinced myself that I didn't really have a problem. If I could be successful at work, raise and provide for a family, be an athlete, then how could I be an alcoholic?
THAT was the battle that was raging in my mind. Because for years I had been trying to quit of my own and had been unable to do so. I'll admit they had been feeble attempts - alcohol made me feel to good to really want to quit, besides other than a DUI there had been no real consequences in my life. Sure my wife would get upset, but it had been going on for so long that she had become an enabler (and didn't know it), and I was sure that my lies were good enough to convince everyone else. That all finally came crashing down one evening when I passed out on the couch watching my son while my wife was at school. She had had enough as now I had put my son in danger...
I remember that we had a birthday party planned for the weekend, and she started crying and said she was scared that this would be our last party together as a family. AAthlete, meet your bottom... I went upstairs, hit me knees, and vowed to do whatever it took to get sober and keep my family together.
You see, all along it had always been about me and my selfishness. I drank because I was depressed, or because I didn't have enough money to buy what I wanted, or because I won a race. In the end they were all excuses and were the way that I had chosen to deal with the same problems and challenges that most people deal with sober everyday. I didn't think I was hurting anyone but myself, when in reality I was destroying all the people around me. I had always swore that I wasn't going to be like my father, yet when I looked in the mirror I couldn't deny what I saw. Alcoholic? Check... Drinking more important then son? Check... Never around for his events? Check.....
God I hated that damn mirror....
But I digress. Reality was a nice slap in the face, but I had to now take action, and that meant working a program that truly would help me find my way out of the hell that I was in. What I have learned over the last coupe of years, and I sound like a broken record, is that for a true alcoholic simply stopping drinking is not enough. I had to change MY ENTIRE outlook upon life and learn how to accept the thing I couldn't control. I think that was my biggest problem - things not turning out the way that I wanted them to. Once I honestly accepted the fact that I could not drink alcohol, period, and that I could not control the world and I had better learn how to accept and live with those facts, I was on my way...
It certainly hasn't been an easy journey, but then nothing worthwhile ever is. I always assumed when I was drinking that when I quit life would be automatically a bed of roses. Not the case at all - all the same crap is still happening in my life - I just deal with it differently. For me I used a combination of MWO and AA and it truly has saved my life. I won't go into all the boring details, but will say that I was ready and willing to do WHATEVER it took to get sober. Life and death game, remember? WHATEVER IT TOOK...
I will tell you this -- I AM GRATEFUL THAT I BECAME AN ALCOHOLIC. Hard to believe? Not so much to me. You see, I grew up to be a selfish, self-centered person who only thought about myself. Didn't matter whether or not you threw booze into the mix (obviously I did) - I usually didn't give a second thought to those around me because I was so busy trying to build myself up. By facing my problems and quite honestly reinventing me I have become a completely different person. I am by no means perfect and never will be, but the mental obsession to drink is long gone, I try to put others first in my life and am tolerant of those views that are different then mind.
And for now, I think, that is enough..
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
AAthlete
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake, 
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