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    #1

    Spouses who don't drink

    Hi there,
    I really spent a bit of time reading the thread on spouses who drink, because that is the situation my mom has dealth with her whole married life of 50 years. I thought I might approach it from the other direction - spouses who don't drink - as that fits me.
    DH-mio is Mr. Perfect. He never eats a french fry. He is highly intelligent, good looking, funny, creative, sexy, fit, intellectually curious, and successful. Oh did I mention he's a great father, except when he snaps at our highly sensitive daughter, moral, and generally kind except for when he has fits of rage. His rages are non-violent, but having experienced the effects of violent rages from my father I have this memory and the constant fear that he will cross the edge. LOL at my description of him.

    Mr. Perfect has 1-2 drinks a day, because men can have 1-2 drinks a day, like a glass of wine with dinner and a nice cognac with chocolate. Charming. On weekends, he'll share a bottle of wine with me then have a nice hearthy armagnac. How sophisticated. He has perfect control of himself, and feels quite righteous about it. Because his job requires clear thinking, he would never jeopardize his functionality by delibrately losing sleep by going out on weeknights or dulling his mental edge on the job.

    Except for the rages, I am madly in love with him. And, it's not like he's constantly angry or throwing fits. But when they come, they truly frighten me, and the memory stays with me for a long time. According to him, it's all my fault because his anger is generated by my doing something inconsiderate, wrong, or by not listening to him. It is true that when I get stressed I get so scared I find it hard to listen, but I have worked on this problem and I think I have made some progress. He also has worked to control his rages, and to express his feelings in a more rational way. He has this way of treating me like he is an elder of a church though which I hate.

    When he walks into the door (until 4 days ago), I immediately chug 2 glasses of wine to calm me down and to make myself feel like he's not controlling me. It's also a way of hitting him back for holding a standard that I can never live up to. Now, I am NOT blaming him for my drinking. It's just a trigger, and it's not his fault. But NO LONGER am I going to let him rule my life. OK OK he is kind, he is pretty giving, but I have this fear of saying how I really feel because I fear the rage. When drunk, it's easier to agree with him or not say anything or just admit I am wrong than to disagree and risk the rage.

    What a wimp I am. But I feel I have turned a corner. I also know that if I let myself go, I will lose this wonderful person who has issues but I should be able to deal with them. I want to keep the family together because we have a wonderful life. I'd like to hear your thoughts on how you deal with spouses who don't drink, and how they deal with you.

    Tulipe
    Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.
    AF since May 6, 2010
    Tags: None
    #2
    Spouses who don't drink

    hi T,my dear your not a wimp,he sounds like me when i drink,odd isn't it , hes a me sober,who could beleive it,im not a councillor but i hope you dont get angry , maybe its not you who needs help,not that your drinking makes it better,the bomb in him will go off, one day,i do wish you well,f... scary gyco

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      #3
      Spouses who don't drink

      Despite you describing a rather lovely person in with all that, what I actually hear is fear. I dont know if I am misreading you somehow and I apolise in advance if i have the wrong end of the stick.

      Rages? You say there has never been physical violence, but ther does not have to be for there to be control. Frankly it all sounds a bit "sleeping with the enemy-like!". In my view if you feel you need to drink 2 glasses of wine just to deal with him or feel adaquate or whatever the issue is, then something is wrong somewhere. I am not sure the issue here is whether he drinks or doesnt drink. I think it might be about a lot more than that. The fact that is apparently so in control in many areas of his life, makes one wonder, if controlling you isnt his way of coping with his own inadequancy.

      Again if I have misread you I am sorry, dont be offended. I just feel sort of concerned for you Tulipe.

      Good luck with everything.
      Love Moo
      "The greatest thing in the world is not so much where we are,
      but in what direction we are moving."

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        #4
        Spouses who don't drink

        Carry on

        No no not offended in the least. Just trying to get stronger. Thank you for your feedback.
        Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.
        AF since May 6, 2010

        Comment

          #5
          Spouses who don't drink

          i'm glad! It's a gamble whether to say somethings to some people, especially when they are trying hard not to drink. Encouragement for not drinking has to be the key to this site, and that is usually all I will do. Its rare for me to comment to any degree, but something about your post struck me.
          "The greatest thing in the world is not so much where we are,
          but in what direction we are moving."

          Comment

            #6
            Spouses who don't drink

            If you read my thread on day 4 this is how I feel you will see what I seek, although again feel free to disagree. I love a HEALTHY discussion.
            Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.
            AF since May 6, 2010

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              #7
              Spouses who don't drink

              Tulipe,

              I did read that thread, but didnt think it was one I would respond to. I know what you were saying I think. I pushing AL down other people, you would in control if them and it, instead of the other way around? Or put another way, if those around you are drunk and incapable with the embarrassing stories and cock ups and you are not, then you would feel superior, as with the "mothers" in the work place. These were very honest thoughts and welcomed by me for that reason. Cant say I would disagree with them at all. It might suggest you like to feel in control in certain aspects of your life? Is this because of the hubby situation?

              Moo
              "The greatest thing in the world is not so much where we are,
              but in what direction we are moving."

              Comment

                #8
                Spouses who don't drink

                Tulipe,
                It does sound like your husband is very controlling (sounds very similiar to mine). My husband doesn't drink really at all, maybe once in a blue moon. It also sounds like you may be trying to convince yourself of how wonderful your relationship is with him. I may be wrong. I am happy that you are taking control of your own life and this in fact will make you much more self confident and better able to deal with your husband. It will be interesting to hear how he is dealing with the sober you now because he doesn't have the power to put you down because of the drinking anymore.
                "Keep your eyes and heart focused on the end goal at all times, and never settle for less."

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                  #9
                  Spouses who don't drink

                  Hi Tulipe,
                  My husband does not have the rage, but he does have that controlling side, when I can't reason with him. I have learned to usually ignore his controlling statements, and come back later when he is calmer, usually in the morning. My husband is very bright, but sometimes seems to lack basic reasoning. I love him a lot, have been married 28 years, but it surprises me what I continue to learn about him. My husband retired a year ago, so I see him more now, and am learning more about this. I think this is your husband's issue, not yours. As you learn to control drinking (probably stop drinking), I believe you will gain the strength you need to confront him calmly. This change will occur over weeks or months, not days. The pattern has been long in the making. My husband has those 1-2 drinks daily, always in control.
                  My life is better without alcohol, since 9/1/12. My sobriety tool is the list at permalink 236 on the toolbox thread under monthly abstinance.

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Spouses who don't drink

                    I think, as is so often the case, I would second everything Sunbeam says about your situation Tulipe.

                    Mr Moo is much more of a one beer, three or four times a week guy too. He doesnt drink to get drink very often at all. Mr Moo however, whilst he is not perfect (close, but not perfect!) has never tried to control me, so I cant say that I appreciate from a personal point of view what that must be like. I do empathise though as I have friends in this sort of marriage. In my experience, these marriages often appear to be perfect, or without cracks to others on the outside. Does that resonate with you?
                    "The greatest thing in the world is not so much where we are,
                    but in what direction we are moving."

                    Comment

                      #11
                      Spouses who don't drink

                      Moo, thank you for your insights. I hope I don't offend anyone, and I would never want to hurt anyone. I also have a vivid pen that can get carried away with me on occasion, even sober!

                      Mr Moo sounds like a great guy. It is great to have someone accepting and supportive. And you are right, everyone thinks we have a charmed life. Most days we do, even with AL when things go smoothly and I don't overdo it. But really how many of us share our dirty laundry? There was a movie, a British movie, in the '90's about a bunch of young girls and a manipulative older woman, and towards the end she said, "never ever trust anyone, least of all your best friend." I'd love to remember which movie that was...

                      Tulipe
                      Success is not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts.
                      AF since May 6, 2010

                      Comment

                        #12
                        Spouses who don't drink

                        Tulipe,
                        I have to agree to some degree with Sunbeam. However, I to some degree think this is your problem too because you are living in it and you have accepted his treatment of you for many years. You will both have to work on this problem. He is going to have to work on his anger and realize he is your equal not your "elder" and you need to work on your self-esteem. You do not deserve to be treated this way...you are his wife, his equal. As you gain strength in your sobriety and no longer numb yourself to tolerate his treatment, I think you will grow.
                        Forever loved, forever missed Papa Bear

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Spouses who don't drink

                          Wow Tulipe,
                          You sound very fearful, but at the same time, very pissed off. I think you have been putting up with this so long that sobriety is making you take a look at what is going on; this is fabulous. You do not deserve to be treated like a doormat. You have feelings and a voice too. All the sarcasm in the post really shines for me. You talk about how wonderful life is, but you say things like "Mr. Perfect. How sophisticated. Charming." in way that sounds like disgust to me. I think marriage counseling would be a great idea. This would be a place where you could have a voice without feeling like a child or having fear of rage because of what you say.
                          Keep your head up; you are doing so great!!!
                          Goal 1: Today
                          Goal 2: Tomorrow

                          Comment

                            #14
                            Spouses who don't drink

                            [QUOTE=Tulipe;638563]Hi there,
                            His rages are non-violent, but having experienced the effects of violent rages from my father I have this memory and the constant fear that he will cross the edge.

                            Hi Tulipe
                            Personally, I think the key to your post is in the above sentence. I think if you deal with the effects your father's violent rages had on you things will become a little clearer. Right now they are both enmeshed and taht is very confusing. Of course you are scared of any form of anger be it from your hubby or anyone else - that is the legacy that you have been left with. A few sessions in therapy could make it all much clearer. Good Luck

                            Comment

                              #15
                              Spouses who don't drink

                              hi Tulipe .. .

                              You gotta wonder what triggers there are involved that he needs to vent at you about.

                              Can you give an example of the things he might say to you? I am not trying to be intrusive I just want to understand the broader picture.

                              I remember a time when I thought hubby was only drinking when he arrived home, little did I know he was an Alcoholic (as he admits to now that he drinks once in a blue mood and only a glass of wine or a beer once in a while). He use to be verbally abusive sometimes physically, now he is condescending at times. An improvement ?

                              Comment

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