Spouses who don't drink

[Tulipe]

Spouses who don't drink

Hello,
Well really had it out last night. I think I already wrote about it on another page - maybe in the meds section. Anyway, Irish Eyes, already been through a little therapy a few years ago - it helped. I can deal with anger better than I used to. Last night, for example, I got through it, but still wound up crying 'I'm afraid you won't love me anymore' which makes me sad. I think he's going to leave me. I'll be away for 3 weeks this summer and you know what men do when alone for 3 weeks... And now he feels he has nothing to lose because he despises me.
I used to write down things he'd say, but he said he's divorce me if I continued to do that so I stopped. Trouble is, he denies having said them, that's why I used to write them down. Some things I remember - 'If I didn't hang around with people who didn't like you, I'd have no one to hang around with." "You're a bitch and a liar and you do nothing." Now we all say things in anger we don't really mean, and these are things he said years ago so I have to let them go. I can recount our complete discussion from last night but I don't feel like reliving it.
Polarized - what is your history with your husband? How and why did he stop drinking? Did you? How and why did you? How do you react when he is condescending?

- Tulipe

[Beaches]

Spouses who don't drink

Don't stop writing them....I do and keep them in a place he can't find them.

[mooderator]

Spouses who don't drink

I agree with Beaches. keep writing them. Even if you blog on this site, no one here will mind that and its password protected!!

There is obviously a lot gone on in your marriage and your life and I think it is wonderful that you are stopping with the drink and starting to address this stuff with a completely clear head and senses that are not numbed.. well done. Moo

[universal]

Spouses who don't drink

I'm sorry if this offends you but your husband sounds like a classic case of a controller and abuser. Anyone who treats you like that and makes you feel like you can't live without him and that your life is so wonderful with him fits the classic pattern of verbal abuse. Look at some of the things he has said to you - the way he treats you like a doormat and makes you feel inadequate!

Sorry, but my opinion? He's a F#$@ a**hole who doesn't deserve you - you deserve to be treated with respect - not live in fear of his rages and his demeaning attitude.

I'm sorry, I don't normally respond to things like that but it just upsets me so much that you are being treated that way and I hope that without the AL to cloud your judgement you can see that you deserve so much more respect than that!

[Tulipe]

Spouses who don't drink

Hey there,
You know what? I think he's stalking me here. He talked yesterday about how I call him Mr. Perfect and paint him as this raging maniac, and the only way he could have thought that is by reading things I have written. The posts are not password protected - only posting requires registration. Thing is, I am writing anonymously and getting help. When he writes about me, it's to his ex-girlfriend. So if I paint things in a certain way which reflects my state of mind and attempts to process things, I'm not hurting his reputation or changing the way others view him or creating gossip. The other way around it's quite different.
So there!
-Tulipe

[Tulipe]

Spouses who don't drink

Oh, and by the way, last night he had 1 glass champagne, at least 3 glasses wine, and an after dinner drink. But really he does not have a drinking problem - he's just a moderator like we all wish we were. I thoroughly enjoyed my sparking water with lemon juice. Gaia bless Campral!
- Tulipe

[savon19]

Spouses who don't drink

Tulipe - I went through quite a turnaround when reading all these posts... From seeing Mr. Perfect change into Mr. Control Freak in a blink of the eye!!

My ex-husband also had a rage thing (he never hit me, but). And I never knew when or why it would happen. It could be over something as small as him not being able to find the remote!! I realized that he was also very controlling and insecure/jealous. Needless to say, it didn't last. I stayed too long with him (almost 5 yrs.)...

I'm reminded of something my mother said to me: It's better to have NO relationship than a BAD one!

I agree with the others who said you may want to think about marriage counseling.

And Just because he doesn't have a drinking problem (you keep repeating that...) doesn't make him Mr. Perfect.

(Even tho' you're posting "anonymously", he may very well have figured out it's you. Our personalities come through when we write... and you've given him some clues!)

I hope things work out for you.

[last call]

Spouses who don't drink

I totally agree with Gia. I don't know how you can stand it. It sure doesn't help your AL problem. Good luck my friend.

[Sunbeam]

Spouses who don't drink

Hmm, he had 1 glass champagne, at least three glasses of wine, 1 after-dinner drink. That is NOT moderate consumption in anyone's book. The truth slowly emerges before our very eyes. Writing it all here is a great way for you to see reality. I've found that reality sinks in slowly, regarding alcohol as well as the rest of life.

[brittzak]

Spouses who don't drink

Tulipe,
I think your husband may have more of a problem than you think. I THINK you have just been clouded by alcohol yourself so you have not truly noticed. You remain sharp and see what happens. I believe you are embarking on an eye-opening experience. Your husband is an A$$! I sure as hell would not let him continue to toture me. Call his bluff honey. Tell him if he desires a divorce....go ahead and file. You think you will end up on the winning end of that stick due to his mental cruelty. Give him a few examples like you have us.

[mooderator]

Spouses who don't drink

Just been reading the last few additions. Tulipe, it seems there is a lot more to this and the story is starting to unfold, I think perhaps as much for you as for those of us who are reading and caring.

You sound as though you are being very strong about not drinking so well done to you.

Keep posting and keep discovering .....and I fully agree with brittzac about calling his bluff about a divorce. No one ought to live with this as a threat over their head. Indeed tell him to issue (or file as you say in US) for divorce if he feels he want to....

And additionally unless he knows your log in and pass word then surely he cannot know what you have been posting?

Love Moo

[Tulipe]

Spouses who don't drink

Well it's not a bad relationship. He says he has no intention of seeking a divorce. He says he has no intention of looking for someone else. We really do love each other. I just think he's a bit of a spoiled child, and I am the natural self-blamer. It's a bad cycle, but I am actually hopeful that by my getting stronger he can see how he really is. All this self-blaming creates a lot of stress, and eventually that stress has to be doused in AL of come out. I will find ways of standing up for me more.
On log in and pw, Moo, by seeing the posts I think it is not impossible for someone to figure it out given that I told him I was finding help online. But know what, I don't care at the moment. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

ODAT,
Tulipe

[Beaches]

Spouses who don't drink

Tulipe,
Quite awhile back I changed my name for the same reason. Something to consider.

[Tulipe]

Spouses who don't drink

yeah, even the drink tracker is public...

[brittzak]

Spouses who don't drink

If someone in your family knows you are visitng here all they have to do is look at the computers history and see where you have visited...if you have posted intimate details about your family, etc...it isnt to hard to figure out who you are.