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A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

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    #1

    A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

    I?m an idiot. A total idiot. I knew I shouldn?t have gone out and bought wine last night. I knew. I didn?t argue with myself about it tho. I had to have it. I didn?t come home after its purchase and put it in the fridge. I opened it immediately. I had to have it. And I savoured its taste when I had my first sip. My 31st day.

    I drank like a woman possessed. WHY????? I?m stuffed if I know why. Why did I buy the bloody stuff when I know I don?t want to drink? Well, that is the million dollar question. I?m depressed I?ve realised today. Well, perhaps that?s the good that?s come out of this. I am depressed. I don?t want to be depressed. Depressed means taking pills and I don?t want to do that.

    Strangely enough last night before I went out to buy the wine, I knew I would go off my tree. I knew, but the pull was too strong. I needed absent hubby to tell me not to do it. If hubby had have been with me, I would have told him. So why didn?t I phone him and ask for help? I?ve sat and thought about this question. I don?t know. Why didn?t I get onto my non-drinking friends and ask for help? They would have helped. I don?t know. I just don?t bloody KNOW!

    I believe I am depressed. I have been thinking about how old I am and while not actually stressing about it, being very conscious about it. This is so unlike me. I have never thought of myself as old. Never! Now, for some reason, I do. I don't know - is 53 old?

    Anyway, I have stuffed up again. I was so ashamed the first time I stuffed up and was suitably chastised that I haven't felt really welcome since. Not to say anyone has made me feel that way - just me. I don't feel deserving any more of respect.

    I went 80 days of not wanting to drink. Why TF? can't I do it again:?
    Feb 04 2009 80 days AF.
    AF May 23 09 to July 09
    AF December 16, 09 FORWARD.
    Tags: None
    #2
    A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

    You can.........if you think you can. :l

    Star x
    Formerly known as Starlight Impress.

    Comment

      #3
      A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

      Morning Pan..

      I want you to take a deep breath and stop blowing last night's binge out of proportion!

      You haven't just been diagnosed with Cancer, your family hasn't died and you have all your arms and legs..

      Yes, you cocked up but you also did 30 days AF beforehand..

      It's all a learning curve, you can't just snap your fingers and change years of ingrained habit in a short time..

      And enough of the self loathing and feeling sorry for yourself, pick yourself up and go again..

      And you are not AN IDIOT or else you would be waiting outside the bottle shop for it to open, instead of being on here..

      If you think back, I'm sure that getting smashed once a month would be an improvement on where you were...Shit, most people that I know who don't have an alcohol problem get shitfaced once a month anyway!

      As for the depression (I've had it most of my adult life)...

      If you ARE depressed, it's treatable with CBT and/or antidepressants... (Don't be scared of taking a pill everyday if it helps you, that sort of thinking is just stigma)

      Would you not take antibiotics if you were sick because you "Don't want to take pills?"

      Bet you have a cracking hangover and feel totally shit mind and body...I've known that feeling all to well and too often..
      What you perceive is what you believe, so make sure you look at things the right way....

      Comment

        #4
        A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

        Oh, and 53 isn't old (I am 40 this year)

        And I think you know that you are always welcome on here...

        If Everyone who slipped up never came back, there would be no one to chat with..
        What you perceive is what you believe, so make sure you look at things the right way....

        Comment

          #5
          A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

          I did it also 2 days this week and i felt dreadful and very Ill. But i'm trying to get back on track. I didn't yesterday or today and please God i won't drink tomorrow. Don't Pan its tough been there so many times. Tommorrow is another day.

          Comment

            #6
            A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

            I'm 48 this year will i ever learn? Age is only a number.

            Comment

              #7
              A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

              Hi Pan.
              You are not old, nor are you an idiot. You are a sleek, svelte, spritely spring chicken, who has the world at her feet! I don't really know the reason i used to drink either, but i do know, and finally worked out, that right now, at this point in my life, for me, i needed to stop. I don't care why, i just know it doesn't work for me if i want to achieve things in life that are important to me. If the way you are feeling now, body and soul, is the 'pay off' for a little delusional buzz last night, well.............
              Anyway, the great news, is you can do it. You know what it's all about, you've done it before, and you'll do it again. Just work on your thinking a bit more. Remember all the plusses of not being chained to a drink. There are no negatives in being sober.
              What's your plan, my friend?

              'I am part of all that I have met, yet all experience is an arch wherethro', gleams that untravelled world whose margins fade, forever and forever when I move'

              Zen soul Warrior. Freedom today-

              Comment

                #8
                A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

                Pan, you sound just like me. To be honest and i am talking to myself as much as i am you...you didnt call your hubby because he wasnt home and you knew you could get away with it. We dont call people because we dont want them to stop us plain and simple. I do the same thing.

                I go to these things called SETs (Sobriety Enhancement Training) at a rehab called Father Martin Ashley. They say the most important thing to do is to identify what happened before you made that decision to drink. Once you made the decision (which i suspect was soon after you knew your hubby wasnt going to be home...only saying this because that would be me) it is too late. You aren't going to call anyone etc. Its really finding out where you were and what you were doing before the triggers.

                Anyway ..it was one night. Not too bad. You made it 31 days without a drink (wow what an accomplishment...i havent done that since i got out of rehab last year) be proud of your accomplishment and dont beat yourself up.

                We love you and we will support you.

                Comment

                  #9
                  A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

                  Pan,

                  Sorry this happened but glad you are back!
                  Don't beat yourself up, it's history now, you can't change it. But, it would be a good idea to identify the triggers so you can prevent this from happening again.

                  I personally believe more of us are depressed than are not. I also believe that aging has something to do with it even though research shows that it does not. Why not try a little something for depression, see if it helps. I didn't like prescription ADs so I take an herbal preparation now called Amoryn and love it. A couple of months on that stuff made a huge difference in this 55 year old's thinking, honestly. I was able to quit my wine habit with no problem. I am so grateful.

                  You know you can do this, maybe you just need a little extra help, think about it.
                  Wishing you all the best.
                  AF since 03/26/09
                  NF since 05/19/09
                  Success comes one day at a time :thumbs:

                  Comment

                    #10
                    A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

                    Geez Pan,
                    Please don't beat up on yourself, it will only act to re-enforce the cycle you're trying to break.
                    And 53 is not old. I are older. But at about that age we start to consider our own mortality, and go through the "what if...." "If I'd only....." etc etc. Which is why I was trying so hard to get our house sold and buy a boat to travel the world (Somalians notwithstanding). That all came to a thud with the economic crisis.

                    And yes, I've done exactly the same as you, and gone through the remorse, guilt, self hatred. It doesn't help. What does help is to say OK I stuffed up, let's get on with sorting myself out. Will PM you later.
                    Take it easy on yourself.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

                      Rags, are you online now? I have missed out on you selling your house and the wonderful boat.
                      Feb 04 2009 80 days AF.
                      AF May 23 09 to July 09
                      AF December 16, 09 FORWARD.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

                        That is, I haven't been online so as to see what you may have been talking about.
                        Feb 04 2009 80 days AF.
                        AF May 23 09 to July 09
                        AF December 16, 09 FORWARD.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

                          Rags, please do PM me if I can help in any way with wildlife.
                          Feb 04 2009 80 days AF.
                          AF May 23 09 to July 09
                          AF December 16, 09 FORWARD.

                          Comment

                            #14
                            A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

                            Pan, I'm exactly 53 as well, and I don't feel old. And you did 30 days. That's an accomplishment! Get up, dust yourself off and start again. Don't underestimate the obsessive-compulsive nature of this disease. I believe it is my underlying depression and Ob-com nature that contributed in the disease in me.
                            PM me if you get that urge again.
                            make the least of the worst, and the most of the best - everyday.

                            Comment

                              #15
                              A WOMAN POSSESSED WHO IS AN IDIOT

                              Thanks Jess. It really is an ObSC I believe. Thanks, I've never thought of it that way before.
                              Feb 04 2009 80 days AF.
                              AF May 23 09 to July 09
                              AF December 16, 09 FORWARD.

                              Comment

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