Please help - guilt

[Kimberley]

Hi all,
I'm back on here as I need more support than I thought I did. I want desperately to let go of the guilt and shame I feel for all my years of drinking and what I have put people I care about through, but no amount of counselling or various bits of clean time seem to rid me of the feeling that I am not good or clean.

I have made really good steps, had about 4 months of sobriety straight, have held down a job I really love and have finally made my parents proud and happy. They never stop telling me this.

However, none of this seems to help. I look at other people who have turned their lives around and I admire them so much and just have this image of them being clean and good people. Even though most people would probably look at me and say this as well, I never feel like this.

I have had lapses, but I am now determined that I will never give up on giving up the alcohol. But it is so hard when I never seem to feel better in myself.

Do you ever feel like you've amended for everything? Does the guilt ever go? It feels so hard to carry on when I just feel like I'll never get better :upset:

[universal]

Please help - guilt

Hi Kimberley,

First off, let me say that you are doing the right thing by coming back - you will always get the support you need here.

Secondly - you sound like you have done well! 4 months is something to be hugely proud of!

I don't know if I can answer if we ever truely let go of the guilt regarding what our drinking has done to us or others around us. All I know is that we have to keep doing our best to keep ourselves clean and sober and live our lives to the fullest that we can. We have a disease that sometimes makes us do things (while intoxicated) that we would never do in a million years sober. Does that make us bad people? The answer is unequivocably NO. The only person who can make you feel better is you - you have to be ready to let go of your guilt, of the shame. Many of us are still working on it but 4 months sober is something to be proud of - you are doing it! Just keep working on it and keep reminding yourself that you are not a bad person - you were sick and now you are getting better.

Keep smiling honey.

Love and hugs,
Uni

[Kimberley]

Please help - guilt

Thanks for your message Universal and a very happy birthday to you. It was my 29th birthday yesterday and I'm determined to be free of my problems now I'm in my 30th year. Hence asking for help from all you huys on here who know how hard it is.

[42cat]

Please help - guilt

Kimberly .. nice job on getting 4 months in there. Wish I could say the same, but working on it.

Re. the guilt ... seems to be something common to us "alcs" ... Years wasted, family time missed, money spent, embarrassing moments, things we regret .. and the list goes on. I try to get my head around it by positive thinking, positive self-talk, etc. (even if it's forced, it seems to help) .. and knowing that we can't change the past, but we can work, and work hard, on today and all of the tomorrows ahead of us. You're 29 .. Taking charge of yourself now is wonderful. (I'm 44 and finally "getting it".)

Be proud of yourself for caring so much that you're feeling guilt, and that you want to make a change for a better happier life. That says a LOT about what a good person you are. Yes, something to definitely be proud of and to build upon!

Here's to 29! And to some very happy 30's .. and beyond!

[veritas]

Please help - guilt

Kimberly, we all know the guilt and shame. We have all hurt people and let ourselves down so many times. Remember, this is a proccess of healing. Healing takes time. The guilt and shame will find their proper place as the internal healing takes place.

I know that they are horrible feelings and are so linked to worthlessness and self hatred. At times when they pop up, I just pray.. it goes something like this, "I am not perfect, but I am human. I am a product of your creation and I can only ask for your love"

I think that accepting and forgiving oursleves is so important... We have to overcome our own prejudice..

[cacky]

Please help - guilt

Kimberley, Guilt is AL's way of keeping us coming back. We drink alot of time because we cant take the guilt (guilt turns into anxiety and of course who do we turn to to help us relieve anxiety). Anyway, wow 4 months...i have not had 4 months so far. So congrats.

What i can tell you is that i have managed to get rid of the guilt for the most part. I can tell you that the way i have done that is i have spent alot of my "sober" time helping others. I drive people who dont have licenese to and from meetings. I speak at commitments for AA (rehabs..there is nothing like that speaking to a group of people who are in worst shape than you are and giving them hope). etc.

If your parents say they are proud they are probably proud and you should accept that. I talked to my dad over the weekend about my AF efforts. I talked about AA, this site and other things im involved in. I also talked about how i slip up sometimes but i dont do it in front of the kids and i dont do it and drive. he was so understanding and just told me how proud he was.

Anyway, like i said before guild is the way that AL controls us. Stick with us girl we can help you break that control from AL.

You may want to repost this under need help ASAP. So that you get more responses. There are so many people that care.

[Popeye]

Please help - guilt

Hi Kimberly,
You make a good point.
Stopping drinking or getting control of it is a very big deal in the life of any problem drinker. My decision to quit is part of a bigger plan to improve myself as a person. I was unhappy with the man I had been for many years and I am working at becoming a better, more whole person. There are lot of things that I would like to do to achieve my aims. Stopping drinking is only one of them.
Drink took away all of my self esteem and dignity and for a while I didn't care. The guilt that I had grew until it was unmanagable, so I ignored it. Drinking every night was my attempt at dulling the self-hatred that I felt caused by drinking, and some other factors to a lesser extent. A lack of confidence and huge feeling of under-achievement. A viscious circle that I needed to break.
I'm not very far down the path of sobriety but already I have become calmer, more philosophical and spiritualy aware and more atuned to my 'Being' if you like, and equally importantly, I have found a thoughtfulness for others. My mind has been cleared of a lot of the junk that was fogging my thoughts and priorities have changed, all by themselves it seems. What seemed an inconquerable barrier to progess in life has dwindled to almost nothing. Of course everything is far from perfect, but the way has been cleared and it's up to me to make of it what I can.
In answer to your question Kimberly, I can't change the past and I have accepted this, but I can try and atone for my wrongdoings and work towards making my future a promising one instead of being frightened to go there. There is so much that I want to do and see and learn before I die. I'm working on being a man that I can respect. I'm not there yet, but I'll get there.

[Tulipe]

Please help - guilt

Dear Kimberly,
I am new at this, and my mind works in strange ways, but maybe an image can help. Let me know if it helps or not.
The guilt is a huge pile of some unappealing substance - or a dam, or just a lump in the throat. Each day of living AF dissolves a bit of that pile. Over time, the security that living AF gives us makes that pile go away. Like a picture, the memory of its existence is still there, driving us to avoid rebuilding that aweful pile, but the flow of the new positive makes it all worthwhile.
My two pesos,
Tulipe

[sugarcane]

Please help - guilt

Forgiveness

Hi Kimberley,

Regardless of religion (or none) you may like to read - The Wisdom of Forgiveness by The Dalai Lama.

He says - If we have behaved very badly with someone we should feel regret and recognise our mistakes but without thinking that we can therefore no longer lead a normal life.
We should not forget what we have done, but neither should we be crushed by depression or remorse.
Neither should we be indifferent, which would be equivalent to ignoring what we had done, but instead we should learn to forgive ourselves:

"I have made mistakes in the past, but it will not happen again. I am a human being, so I am capable of freing myself from my mistakes"

If we lose hope and are consumed by guilt that means we have not forgiven ourselves.


I am not a practicing bhuddist but like what he says. x

[sugarcane]

Please help - guilt

Forgiveness

Hi Kimberley,

Regardless of religion (or none) you may like to read - The Wisdom of Forgiveness by The Dalai Lama.

He says - If we have behaved very badly with someone we should feel regret and recognise our mistakes but without thinking that we can therefore no longer lead a normal life.
We should not forget what we have done, but neither should we be crushed by depression or remorse.
Neither should we be indifferent, which would be equivalent to ignoring what we had done, but instead we should learn to forgive ourselves:

"I have made mistakes in the past, but it will not happen again. I am a human being, so I am capable of freing myself from my mistakes"

If we lose hope and are consumed by guilt that means we have not forgiven ourselves.


I am not a practicing bhuddist but like what he says. x

[Kimberley]

Please help - guilt

I know that this is an old thread I started ages ago, but I just wondered if anyone had any more clues? I am unable to let go of the crippling guilt. Does anyone know a good book about how to forgive yourself or any other books that helped you in recovery.

I can't keep on feeling like this! I did try the Dalai Lama book, but didn't find there was that much in it which was useful.

[Boss.man]

Please help - guilt

Kimberley, Have you tried going to a counselor (therapist). In particular a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT). This is a process of learning how to restructure how your mind deals with things. I got a good deal of help from a therapist in just six sessions. So it wasn't bad at all. Here is one of the exercises I learned. I wrote the details down:

Breath slowly and deeply 5 times. Imagine three windows, label them in your mind as past, present and future. Look through the left window at the past, embrace the past, and all you have done, all you feel sorry for, and all the happy times. Then, in your mind, close that window. The past is over. Look through the right window at the future, all you hope for, and dream and worry. Embrace the future. Then close that window. The future will come at it's own time. Focusing on the center window, expand it, and focus on what is happening right now; not one minute ago or one minute from now, just right now. What do you smell? Can you feel any breeze on your hands and face? What noises are coming to you right now. Sink deeply in relaxation, breath slowly, and seek out all the sounds and senses of what your body is experiencing right now. Embrace them. Enjoy them. Smile. Apply your smile to the sensations. Breath deep 5-10 times. Then slowly return to tasks at hand.

[42cat]

Please help - guilt

Kimberley ... ((hugs)) ... Don't forget to remind yourself that you're human. Just about everybody (alcoholic or not) have done things they're not proud of, or that has hurt others somehow. The fact that you care, feel guilt, etc., says a lot of Good Things about you.

Unfortunately there's not an Edit button on life, so that we can actually change the past. But maybe we wouldn't want to, either. Because maybe those things occurred in our lives for a reason? To learn from them? To let others learn? Or maybe that you're recovering now is showing others how much you care .. about yourself and about them.

I don't know if you can just let the guilt go .. There is no "off" button .. And maybe it's good to have a little guilt, but it's important to see it for what it is, or was ... I mean, if we could just turn it off, where would the "caring" in us be? We feel guilt or shame because we care. .... BUT, I think we can get past it by recognizing that it happened and now it's in the past ... We are now being good to ourselves and building on our relationships. I think it says a lot to others that we're making these changes. Our "now" and our "future" is what we're working with. What happened is over .. but we can take what we have now and make it something happy and positive. It tells others that we love them. We care enough to make these changes. We are good.

Hang in there ... Time has a way of helping us deal. Counselling and cognitive behavior therapy are good options. Maybe Google for books on the subject of liking yourself, or getting rid of guilt, or anything along those lines. I don't know of any books off hand, but I'm sure there are some.

And keep on posting! Things WILL get better.

[betty boop]

Please help - guilt

Kimberley, well done on your 4 months sobriety .......... that is an excellent achievement ........

I know from personal experience that one of the symptoms of a hangover is guilt so we always feel worse after a heavy drinking session .........

I read somewhere here recently that guilt and regret are waste of energy because we cant change anything but it was said in a much better way than that ......... hang in there hon ........

Boss.man your posts are always very interesting, I look forward to reading more ........

[me1455]

Please help - guilt

im sure people around you that have you seen you change and if u explain to them how you feel, about the guilt, they will see it was truly the alohol and not u for the things you may have done.