I haven't written for awhile as I needed to draw back a bit and absorb all the change that was going on in my life and struggle through it. I had to get in touch with how unhappy I've been and I still don't know entirely why but I do know that alot of it is/was self-imposed messages. What a vicious rut the excessive drinking is: overdoing it to drown out feelings (but of course enjoying it) and then waking up hating yourself for feeling so bad. Thankfully, I've been able to feel so much more loving and patient towards myself, but it's very hard work. I've been on the supplements and AllOne for about a month and a half and the Topa for five weeks. I just hit 75 mg. yesterday. I have to go slowly as my body is very sensitive. I got really serious with the program about a week ago and started seeing some real success - content with a glass or two of red wine (switched to that because I tend to drink white wine like soda). I did slip last night and had about 3/4 of a bottle and the feeling today is NO FUN AT ALL. Anways, I was so amazed at how good I could feel when I didn't drink more than a glass, exercised, ate well and had good supps. I was singing to my horse out on a trail ride - genuinely happy. And, this is a big one - called my 90 year old mother-in-law, who I've had a protective sheild around myself against (so she won't hurt me emotionally) for umpteen years and asked her if she wanted to go for a ride in my son's Jeep (the one who left for Iraq) and go get an icecream. I told her we'd just go be wild women. We laughed and had a really fun time. And she got in and out of the Wrangler and didn't even need the stool I brought. It was so freeing. And I felt close to my son bouncing along in his Jeep.
I don't know if anyone reads Pema Chodron but I'd been reading her that morning about being grateful to everyone. As I read on, I knew that if I'm going to heal and really love myself, I have to learn to forgive the people who've hurt me. I also have to trust people. I finally let a friend in on my drinking secret today.
I do hope the desire to drink goes away. I can't believe how tenacious it is. Wine is truly delicious and relaxing and something I enjoy. I just want to be able to stop at two. It kinda scared me last night. I seem to be quite short on the willpower.
I'm hoping that other people are having continued success. We need to remember to celebrate each step with each other as we do on the drinks per week thread. Cheers!
P.S. How does everyone get such a nice picture with their threads. I tried to figure it out but am not much of a computer person. Grateful Em
I don't know if anyone reads Pema Chodron but I'd been reading her that morning about being grateful to everyone. As I read on, I knew that if I'm going to heal and really love myself, I have to learn to forgive the people who've hurt me. I also have to trust people. I finally let a friend in on my drinking secret today.
I do hope the desire to drink goes away. I can't believe how tenacious it is. Wine is truly delicious and relaxing and something I enjoy. I just want to be able to stop at two. It kinda scared me last night. I seem to be quite short on the willpower.
I'm hoping that other people are having continued success. We need to remember to celebrate each step with each other as we do on the drinks per week thread. Cheers!
P.S. How does everyone get such a nice picture with their threads. I tried to figure it out but am not much of a computer person. Grateful Em
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