Hello, my dear friends!
I know I have been gone for a while, and believe me, it's felt like I have been gone for a while..
So much has changed, and most is very good! I have been working out a lot and have lost a total of 30 pounds since I started my weight loss 18 months ago. My daughter and I have bonded through her difficulties dealing with her first year of Middle School (and came out a star in the end!), and my business has been blessed to not only weather the recession but grow! My relationship with my guy in Seattle is still going on, and he is fabulous!
So, the downside? I still have not been able to string more than 90 days at time of sobriety. I seem to even keep it together during the week, but I am having one day a week where I drink too much. I know where this is going.. I will start drinking more during the week, probably hiding it, arranging my activities around it, being afraid of going out because my drinking may get out of control, etc., etc.
I am back because I really do not want this to escalate any further. I haven't had anything to drink since last Friday, and I am going day by day, but I want that to be the end of it. I am pulling out ALL the tools I have learned (which are MANY), along with my Buddhist teachings, and the combined self-compassion/meditation practices to get my arse back on the cushion and my fingers and heart back here!
I am a tough cookie to crack. I am the queen of self-sabbotage. But, I will be 45 this year and I really love the way I feel when I am sober. I have been able to string a lot of sober days together over the past year and a half since my divorce, but I have also had a lot of days that I am ashamed of. I have had a lot of challenges this past year, probably more than I have my whole life. The Universe is definitely pushing me to new heights. Most days I answer without fear, and then some days I cave. Funny, this morning I was thinking that I am so happy and outgoing during the day - all day. I am gregarious, engaging, compassionate, a good listener and a caring friend. I do this all without drinking (still have never drank during the day). I'm not afraid during the day. I don't need alcohol. I don't even think about alcohol. Now, isn't that telling. That is the real me, and it's OK! It is my evenings that I struggle. Is is habit? Am I lonely? An I scared at night? Is it because of my childhood and being left home alone my my mother at night (yeah, I know.. childhood crap), OR, is it just me being lazy?
Nonetheless, I want to take that lovely girl that flits through her days into the evenings and the rest of my life. So, here I am again. I will keep trying this until I get it right. Until I am free of AL. I say to myself the same thing I have said to many of you.. "never, ever, ever give up"!
I will give my daily 3's each day; three +'s and three -"s of drinking:
+'s of NOT drinking
+ how I look and feel in the morning
+ my morning hike
+ hearing myself laugh
-'s of drinking
- undoing the healthy eating and exercise I did the day before
- wasting money
- procrastinating
Thanks for being here, guys! I promise to not run away, no matter what. My goal is to get myself past that 90 mark. That is goal number one. Then it will be "infinity and beyond".. (buzz lightyear):H
Nice to "see" all your fabulous faces!
Namaste,
MM
I know I have been gone for a while, and believe me, it's felt like I have been gone for a while..
So much has changed, and most is very good! I have been working out a lot and have lost a total of 30 pounds since I started my weight loss 18 months ago. My daughter and I have bonded through her difficulties dealing with her first year of Middle School (and came out a star in the end!), and my business has been blessed to not only weather the recession but grow! My relationship with my guy in Seattle is still going on, and he is fabulous!
So, the downside? I still have not been able to string more than 90 days at time of sobriety. I seem to even keep it together during the week, but I am having one day a week where I drink too much. I know where this is going.. I will start drinking more during the week, probably hiding it, arranging my activities around it, being afraid of going out because my drinking may get out of control, etc., etc.
I am back because I really do not want this to escalate any further. I haven't had anything to drink since last Friday, and I am going day by day, but I want that to be the end of it. I am pulling out ALL the tools I have learned (which are MANY), along with my Buddhist teachings, and the combined self-compassion/meditation practices to get my arse back on the cushion and my fingers and heart back here!
I am a tough cookie to crack. I am the queen of self-sabbotage. But, I will be 45 this year and I really love the way I feel when I am sober. I have been able to string a lot of sober days together over the past year and a half since my divorce, but I have also had a lot of days that I am ashamed of. I have had a lot of challenges this past year, probably more than I have my whole life. The Universe is definitely pushing me to new heights. Most days I answer without fear, and then some days I cave. Funny, this morning I was thinking that I am so happy and outgoing during the day - all day. I am gregarious, engaging, compassionate, a good listener and a caring friend. I do this all without drinking (still have never drank during the day). I'm not afraid during the day. I don't need alcohol. I don't even think about alcohol. Now, isn't that telling. That is the real me, and it's OK! It is my evenings that I struggle. Is is habit? Am I lonely? An I scared at night? Is it because of my childhood and being left home alone my my mother at night (yeah, I know.. childhood crap), OR, is it just me being lazy?
Nonetheless, I want to take that lovely girl that flits through her days into the evenings and the rest of my life. So, here I am again. I will keep trying this until I get it right. Until I am free of AL. I say to myself the same thing I have said to many of you.. "never, ever, ever give up"!
I will give my daily 3's each day; three +'s and three -"s of drinking:
+'s of NOT drinking
+ how I look and feel in the morning
+ my morning hike
+ hearing myself laugh
-'s of drinking
- undoing the healthy eating and exercise I did the day before
- wasting money
- procrastinating
Thanks for being here, guys! I promise to not run away, no matter what. My goal is to get myself past that 90 mark. That is goal number one. Then it will be "infinity and beyond".. (buzz lightyear):H
Nice to "see" all your fabulous faces!
Namaste,
MM
Comment