Having A Very Hard Time

[wellseasoned]

My middle daughter was arrested on a dui and mip (she is almost 20) this past spring and she just recieved another mip this Friday. I am worried sick about her. Her Dad (my ex) says that alcoholism runs in my family. He drinks - partys and drives (never gets caught) so its all about me and my family. I have been totally honest with all of my kids about the alcohol problems in my family. It has not been easy. I have pretty much been painted the devil by my ex. I know there are issues with alcohol in my family - but I address them honestly with my kids. I am having such a hard time right now. My Dad will be 70 in September and will probably die an alcoholic. I adore him - but also have come to realize that he is toxic to my recovery. How I wish he had some other disease - a disease we could talk about openly. It makes me crazy mad that alcohol is advertised the way it is - like peanut butter and hot dogs. Give me a break. The truth is that alcohol is a poison to our bodies. Period. I wish alcoholism was treated as a disease - the same as diabetes, arthritis, migraines, cancer, pms, menopause, male disfunction.......why is it that alcohol has fallen through the cracks for so long? Why is it we look at alcoholism as a personality weakness and not a disease? I think we used to look at mental illness the same way years ago - back when we thought lobotomies were a cure.
I'm having a hard time with what is happening with my daugher mainly because there is no way to label it at this stage. She's in trouble. I spoke with her about drinking when she was upset or stressed and she came to me later to tell me that she recognized that she did this.
Help me - aqny siggestions?

[Quiescent]

Having A Very Hard Time

Hi Wellseasoned,

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter. I have three girls. My oldest is 14 and I am starting to worry about the far reaching effects that my problem will have on my kids.

I don't have any words of wisdom but my feeling is that you just have to be honest with her and love her enough to be tough. By that I mean....if she has a problem don't enable her.

I have an ex husband too.....he is also quick to place blame. When your child is in trouble, there's no room for blame. I mean does it really matter who's fault it is?

Maybe getting caught is the wake up call your daughter needs to take resposibility for her actions.

I'm sorry, I don't know what an mip is?

Wishing you all the best:l

[pokey]

Having A Very Hard Time

I think MIP = minor in possession.

I'm sorry your daughter is going thru all this (as well as the rest of the family) and agree that your ex should NOT be trying to assess blame here. In the long run, what difference does it make whose side of the family the tendencies come from?

My youngest is also 20 and we had several rough years with her, but one day it all clicked. She woke up and realized that she had better get her act together and grow up, or she'd be facing a lifetime of problems.

I have no answers for you but knowing that you are aware of the problem, and now that she has admitted to you she realizes what she's doing when she does it, maybe that's the beginning of a turnaround.

[Allie]

Having A Very Hard Time

I couldnt agree with you more about the fact that alcohol is advertised like peanut butter and hot dogs! I have pondered this issue a lot myself, and I think the bottom line is that YES, it turns into a disease, but unlike cancer, Down's syndrome or autism, etc., it is a disease we choose to have. There is absolutely no way to become an alcoholic without our personal consent. I think that is the main difference. Its kind of like overweight people with health problems suing McDonald's for their obesity or the health problems of their children? Who is driving them to McDonalds and paying for those french fries? We have choices. Alcoholism is a disease we pay hundreds of dollars to be sick with. It makes me angry at myself that I fall prey to the bait of advertisement so much, but we ultimately have to take responsibility for our choices of what we do with it. I cant blame a commercial, I can only blame myself for watching it and buying into its add. So I am now going to make myself a big fat peanut butter sandwich.

Allie

[wellseasoned]

Having A Very Hard Time

Allie
I agree with you. What I said reflected my frustration in getting the medical community to support the MWO therapy suggestions and ideas. Topomax to be specific. I think suing McDonald's is ridiculous. I do think, though, that our schools should be teaching kids more about alcoholism than they do. Knowledge is power - don't you think? I think just having my daughter recognize that she drinks when she is stressed or upset at this young age is a huge step forward. When I was her age I was light years away from any such understanding about my drinking behaviors and had no one to talk to me about it honestly.
Enjoy that peanut butter sandwich!
Blessings

[YoungAtHeart]

Having A Very Hard Time

You Are Doing A Lot That is Right!!

You are doing much more right than you know! Being there and being honest is so important!! It is okay that the alcoholism runs in your family. It is the same with my ex and me. My family has the alcohol problems not his. As far as your daughter is concerned, if she is 20, I'm sure that she can see through his BS if he is drinking and driving but not getting caught.

Your job is to continue to be honest. She will ultimately respect your honesty so much more than she will respect his lies!! Keep the faith, my dear! Children respect honesty and integrity in their parents, and the older she gets, the MORE she will value it!!!

I think you are doing a great job!! I hope she doesn't need to push the edges of the envelope any more than she already has, however, for BOTH of your sakes!!!:crossed:

Hugs,
Kathy

PS: I don't think I've told you this, but I absolutely adore your avatar!!! I love that episode of I Love Lucy!!!!

[wellseasoned]

Having A Very Hard Time

Thanks, Kathy. I do so appreciate your kind and supportive words.
I love that episode of Lucy as well. Humor has always been a help to me when I have been down. I love Jeff Foxworthy as well. I used to listen to him when I was going through my divorce and bake - cookies- brownies - muffins - cupcakes. My attornies were in heaven! I kept their sweet tooth satisfied!
I know what you said about my daughter seeing through the lies is true. To be honest, it's ME that lets his bantering get into my head and mess with me. It is a part of my self esteem issue and also one of my "triggers". I have gotten much better at protecting myself, but I let my guard down this time and got burnt. My fault. I know. I just have to pick myself, brush myself off and continue to do what is right for my daughter.
I am so grateful for you and everyone at this site. It is such a calm in the storm of my life and I feel so fortunate to have found all of you.
Thank you again, Kathy!
Jenn

[YoungAtHeart]

Having A Very Hard Time

Smooches, Jenn!!! I'm glad I'm not your lawyers!!! I'd weigh 300 lbs!!

[MKR]

Having A Very Hard Time

Dear Jenn,

All excellent advice above. You have done a wonderful job! Kathy is so right on - honesty is the best policy.

Do you have the cd's? You could approach your daughter with how much they have helped you. For me personally they are so incredibly calming even when I haven't listened to them for awhile as I can now remember that calm and pull it up from deep inside when I am stressed and crazed to help deal with my triggers. You could tell her that you would love to share that peaceful feeling with her. In those cds is a lifetime of calm if she can pull from them and go deal with the world. (Also find a good lawyer for the MIP, DUI so she is not hitting a brick wall in everything she tries to do in terms of career / college because this stuff is on her record.) You can make her pay for the attorney in monthly installments so that hitting her pocketbook monthly will be a great reminder to not go do this again as she's owning the consequences.

Just remember, father of your kids or not, you are divorced and there are reasons. Totally, you do not have to tell your daughter of her dad's exploits, she already knows and can figure it out. You not bringing it up gives you the higher ground. He is being a total sh** to hit such a low blow and trying the blame game. For you, him hitting on your self esteem is one of your triggers, been there done that and I must say that once again, having success with this program but mostly the head game part has been calmed with the CD's. I feel I have stayed fairly even through a lot of disasters lately and owe it to the new found calmness. Yoga can offer some of that too, for both you and your daughter.

Tough being parents and yes, alcoholism/problem drinking should be discussed in schools, many of us fall into the trap without even recognizing the signs to avoid the traps.

Jenn you are awesome, just remember that!

Hugs and Love,
Mary