Parental Triggers

[Sweaty Betty]

I haven't done as well as I'd like to be doing AL wise this month so am gearing up for an AF period. I've had my Dad and Stepmum visiting, and its raised a lot of issues for me that I thought I'd 'dealt' with. I love my Dad, but he very obviously has me stuck at 16, telling him I hate him. I actually feel quite good about where I'm at. I have a lot of friends, I'm raising my boys my way, and I would like to think I'm compassionate and willing to help where I can. I just wish my Dad would say or see something positive. It's been difficult and I've found myself reverting to being a tantruming Teen. We've gone from my Dad first arriving and telling me that Mr Sweats was miserable and I should leave him, to lots of little jibes about me drinking, 'not finishing anything' etc. We're off for a Champagne Brunch (freeflow for 3 hours), and the 'truculent teen' in me is saying ''lets get blasted, tell him what you think'', but thank goodness the 'real' me knows better.........I'm going to enjoy the fabulous food, have 3 glasses of champagne and be AF from tomorrow.(And maybe check in with my Therapist!)

Bets
xx

[DriftyAlison0]

Parental Triggers

I am not doing so well myself. I thought that since I have been drinking for less then a year and it wasn't a year thing. That it would be a breeze. But even after feeling done nearly 2 weeks ago I am still struggling.

[Sweaty Betty]

Parental Triggers

Hey Alison, are you still AF? stick with it, the 3rd week is when you'll start to reap the rewards.

Bets

xxxx

[DriftyAlison0]

Parental Triggers

I had a little slip but other then that still AF most days. I won't go back to day 1 because it was a minor slip and didn't get drunk off it.

[startingover]

Parental Triggers

Bets, sometimes I think parents can be the biggest triggers of all. They want us to be the best we can be (in their eyes) They see where the improvements are required (in their eyes) and they see us as children. I know its hard.
Good idea to limit yourself. Your folks will be off soon back to UK and you wont have to deal with them anymore? You dont want them to leave on bad terms.
Strength to you Bets!

Alison, keep on keeping on, this is a learning process. Well done for not falling totally

[Sweaty Betty]

Parental Triggers

Hey, just back from Brunch. I had 2.5 glasses of champagne, a virgin bloody Mary and just enough lovely food. I'm quite proud of myself.

Bets

[mario]

Parental Triggers

:goodjob: betty for keeping your drinking in control

[cacky]

Parental Triggers

Betts, there is a saying in AA "does this have to be said now and by me". when dealing with my day who is 71 and can be quite difficult i ask myself that question all the time. our parents can be really difficult. if there is anything that needs to be said it should be said sober and not after drinking. Great job today.

[Boss.man]

Parental Triggers

I'm very observant of the parent connection. My mom was always quite mature for her age. But when her mom came on the scene, she played the "little girl", and she played cat fights with her elder sister w-a-a-a-y way past the time Mom was a grandmother.

I commonly use a nickname. But when I call my mom or dad, I use the name they gave me. I think that's my sign I have the same syndrome. All I'm doing is call, recently to wish my 70-something dad a Happy Father's Day, so why did I introduce myself to his wife on the phone by a name that I haven't used in 30 years?

I think in our own minds, we hold an image of the people who were significant in our lives. It becomes a sort of quicksand both for them and for ourselves. We revert to it, when we speak to them and they when they speak to us.

Maybe the task at hand is to break free of that, and engage our parents and their children as free adults. Focus on the positive, you don't live on public dole, and aren't incarcerated yet. Maybe breaking new ground can help push some old beefs safely in the past.

I would give a lot right now to have social relations with my older brother. He hasn't spoken to me since 1996, and claims I treat him unfairly. In my defense I point out that he was an only child when I was born, and I couldn't help the fact that he lost parental attention by my birth in the Eisenhower era. It remains the case that he manipulates my father and some of my brothers to do family events excluding me, simply because he "can't stand me saying something simple like 'Hi'". He managed to exclude me from my Grandfather's funeral by having my Dad send me a note that there would be no funeral. I'm not bitter, but just sad to the extent that a family member can hold an unjust grudge, and use my father to bear it, without even understanding me as a person, or the growth that I've done in the last 10, 20 or 50 years.

Oops. That got personal. Best of luck. People are weird, and family is weirder. Make some popcorn and enjoy the show.

[Sweaty Betty]

Parental Triggers

Yep.

You can pick your friends
You can pick your nose
But you can't pick your family...........

Thanks all. xx

[Popeye]

Parental Triggers

Boss.man;647831 wrote:
I think in our own minds, we hold an image of the people who were significant in our lives. It becomes a sort of quicksand both for them and for ourselves. We revert to it, when we speak to them and they when they speak to us.

Maybe the task at hand is to break free of that, and engage our parents and their children as free adults. Focus on the positive, you don't live on public dole, and aren't incarcerated yet. Maybe breaking new ground can help push some old beefs safely in the past.

I was always confident as an adult speaking to my mum but with my dad it's different. He used to be a distant authority figure and was always critical of everything I did and I never felt that I could open up to him without fear of being taken for a fool. He's mellowed a lot in the last few years, or maybe I've matured, I'm not sure.