so ashamed

[me1455]

i ordered baclofen. im awaiting it. but i went out last night to a show where i was seeing old friends and new. i made a fool out of myself. i got to drunk. i was hoping when i called my friend this morning she would say oh yeah u wee drunk but whatever. but no.. she said these things.." i thought you changed but you didnt. your gonna lose your friends again. i cant stand to be around you at bars. you were holding on to this guy in front of your bf. everyone knew u were drunk. you could barely stand. " and much more describing how i was. i was basically closing my eyes wobbly drunk. this is a girl that i used to hang out with and we started hanging out again recently. she didnt stop talking to me bc of drinking in the past it was something else. my bf drank more than i did. and drinks nightly. however he doesnt get like that... so hes fuming also. sick of me trying to say ill change and waiting this medicine, etc. its the worst feeling in the world. i feel so horrible. i feel so bad i want to have a beer now! seriousally how do i deal with this ? i know alot of you feel the same way and understand wel and dont know what to really tell me. it just sucks when these people dont understand the whole chemistry of alcoholism and think of it as someone whos weak and disgusting... the girl told me to go to aa. i want to try this medicine before aa. i tried topamax way to many side effects. naltrexone i have and it works somewhat but it takes the fun out of drinking and doesnt work with cravings so i havent taken it. how do i deal with this pain im feeling

[Cinders]

so ashamed

Me,

Heavens, been there done that in terms of damaging close relationships because of AL.

It does make us feel horrible about ourselves.

However, whats done is done. Period.

You have a plan, go for it.

Baclofen is helping me a lot and I am one serious, hardcore, alcoholic. Not the garden variety. When I drink, I drink to blackout. No telling what I will say or do when that happens.

Horrible things have happened. I have hurt my loved ones because of it.

I am just now seeing the effects of the Baclofen in terms of simply not wanting to drink. At 80 mg/day, the cravings were less but I did drink twice at that level.

I am now at 120 mg/day and feel quite confident I can stay sober.

Does it mean I don't think about drinking? No. I do. 30+ years of drinking is a long history. Many habits to break.

Baclofen is giving me the wherewithal to work on the habits because I am no longer having the incredible compulsion to drink every single minute I am awake.

Stick with your plan. Do not let anyone deter you or let yourself get too saddened by the guilt. My daughter taught me that. Feeling bad about ourselves only sucks us deeper and deeper into the vortex of drinking.

You are taking positive steps and you are the only one that counts at this point.

Hugs to you,
Cindi

[puddytat]

so ashamed

Somebody said recently, that it gets worse when you're thinking of quitting.
And --correct me if I'm wrong Cinders, but I believe you shared that you had that experience of going off the rails once you joined MWO.

So now I share, as a person who joined this month, that I'm having the same experience. Also had the same experience nearly 2 yrs ago when I got my DUI -- decided to quit, encouraged to quit ... then switched from beer to Vodka. I'm so much worse off now than I was after the DUI. Really struggling to quit.

Anyway, dear, chalk it up to wedding day jitters. (not to minimize the pain you're going through. Maybe take a break on going out to the bars? BF might understand.)

[LilBit]

so ashamed

:l Hugs, Me. Keep remembering and telling yourself that it's not about willpower nor about being a "good" person! The AL makes you do things you wouldn't otherwise do. That said, it's hard for people who haven't experienced it to understand. Unfortunately, that's part of the devastation of this disease. Just do the best you can. Hang in there!

LilBit

[Accountable for Me]

so ashamed

Yes, when you are thinking of quitting you tend to get that 'Oh, what the Hell, I will drink LOTS tonight' atttitude.

Don't let it get worse than it is now.... sometimes damaged friendships/relationships can be unrepairable. It is par for the course with struggling alcoholics. As we all know; actions speak louder than words.

I damaged a lot of friendships/relationships when I was drinking. It has taken a LONG time to lose the 'you are a drunk' image. I have had to work very hard to 'show' people I have changed and that I am continuing to change.

It isn't easy. I really hope the Baclofen helps you out. But like everything else, you have to really want it in order for anything to work. There is no magic pill out there. But with determination and using the tools available, it is possible.

Yesterday is gone, today is here. Start today on your new life. Guilt will just suck you up and spit you out. You are not a bad person. You are an alcoholic.

[rubywillow]

so ashamed

Did I miss something? You tried naltrexone but it 'takes the fun out of drinking'?????? Isn't that what what we want? Don't HOPE to make drinking NOT fun, NOT appealing? There are many many layers here, like Donkey with the onion in Shrek. We drink for lots of reasons, so we have to find out what will keep us from drinking, what will keep us happy without AL!!

[gyco]

so ashamed

hi ME,it is very simple you dont drink,this is not sarcasm,or teach note teach,yourself to drink,moderately,many cant,many do,some can stop,and some cant,some people stop for years,and go back,many have to be hospitalised,some commit suicide,all because of a drink,i do wish you well gyco

[Cinders]

so ashamed

Gyco;649924 wrote: hi ME,it is very simple you dont drink,this is not sarcasm,or teach note teach,yourself to drink,moderately,many cant,many do,some can stop,and some cant,some people stop for years,and go back,many have to be hospitalised,some commit suicide,all because of a drink,i do wish you well gyco

You said it all, Gyco. God I am glad you are here.

Love,
Cindi

[cymru]

so ashamed

Hi ME. As others said, there is no magic pill. I tried every med availible, and like cindy was/is a hardcore drinker. None of them worked for me long term until I was ready to stop. For me. Not for family, my job, my G/F, but for me. I use the AA prog, which works for me, but until I was truely ready to stop, no pill, med or drug would stop me once I had that uncontrolable urge to drink. I was like a fire spreading through a firework store. Once I had lit the first one, it was all or nothing till I couldnt drink anymore. Today, not only do I know im an alcoholic who cant drink, more importantly, I dont want one.

[cacky]

so ashamed

Me, first pull yourself out of the blackhole. its going to be difficult but try to get over what happened last night. You cant change it but you can change what you are doing today. Anyway, if you really want to stop doing what you are doing..try anything and everything to stop. AA is a great tool You dont have to believe everything they say..but there is something that you can take away from each and every meeting. The nal takes the fun out of drinking but it doesnt sound like you are having much fun anyway. Keep talking and keep listening

[me1455]

so ashamed

thanks guys. i agree may go to aa. its a support group even if some of the people are cultish in there. i know that. people are people and your gonnahave pyschos everywher. today i am not drinking no. but i cant shake the depressive feelingn of evryone talking about me being an alcoholic. ijust cant take it. so i feel really bad today. unfortunately i dont have a job right now so im sitting home just thinking. i babysit and the parents didnt need a sitter for the summer since the kids go to camp. so im broke and bored. i hope the bacloen will help . if not i will do the aa steps, sponsor thing..

[polaryzed]

so ashamed

Hi Me1455 . . .

Hi Me . . .

Try to think about things of interest to you . . . do you have any hobbies or interests you enjoy?

You mentioned AA, have you tried going to a meeting?

Anything to keep busy and keep your mind occupied in a positive way may help.

Hope you feel better soon . . . :l

[me1455]

so ashamed

hey zen, yeah i know, but im hoping that baclofen will curb my desire to drink..

[Accountable for Me]

so ashamed

Me, how about finding a summer job? This will give you some confidence, cash and hopefully will help you stay sober?

'Idle Hands are the Devil's Playground'

Sitting around doing nothing is NOT going to help you with your depression or your want to stay sober. It is the worse thing you could do.

I guess for some of us we aren't sure what your goals are? Are you looking at ways to still drink but not to black out or are you looking for ways to abstain?

From the posts I have read of yours over the last many months I get the feeling that although you are destroying your life and relationships with alcohol; you really would like to drink but not get blacked out drunk. Is this correct? Forgive me if I am wrong.

I guess if you let us know what is the goal here for you, we might be able to help you out a bit more with suggestions. The unfortunate thing is that most alcoholics must abstain. We tried the mod road so many times and just end up to where we started.

[me1455]

so ashamed

hey accountable

yes i agree with you. its little by little getting worse and worse. you have those weeks where it seems ok, then you get way to drunk. i ordered baclofen and am waiting that. im not sure if you can moderate on that though. but even if my desire to not drink helps with baclofen, then so be it, ill be af. im just trying out all these meds. and if tey dont work must go to aa. im simply ruining my life. i realy hope the meds work though. well i used to only ago out and blacked out often, maybe drnking twice a week. but now since i had an ex that drnk everyday, we'd drink together and i escalated to a person that drinks almost daily and doesnt black out often.(due to the tolerance increase) but at the post i made the other night, i took shots with mixed drinks and did blackout a bit at the end, something that hasnt happened in awhile due to my tolerance. Theres not much advice I can be given here other than if the meds dont work i must go af. i also know i need therapy, but right now i dnt have insurance. i wish i could talk to someone. becase the naltrexone mostly works for me when i take it- and at times i dont so that i can feel good when drinking. im really aways chasing a high from whatever will give it to me. so def needin therapy! but thanks so much for your replies. right now im just upset over what the people in my life think.
oh and as far as the job thing, i agree with you.. im trying hard to get a job and go or my masters in the fall. i applid to two schools and the first one i was denied from. i was surprised bc my gpa was higher than what they asked for, but iguess if u have alot of students applying and they have really high gpas they will get in before you. but as far as the summer job, i absolutely need and am trying for one!