I've been reading a few threads and posts of late that, to me, are very shame based in their content. Through treatment I came to understand that at the core of my own addiction was shame and I'd like to share some excerpts from a pamphlet I was given. Hope some of these help.
Shame's most important objective is to not be exposed. Most people who are shame based don't know it. They can't. It's slippery. Sometimes it comes on so slowly, you won't know when you started to feel this way. And it is most often disguised as what it is not: irrational white rage, indifference, the overwhelming need to control, depression, confusion, flightiness, the obsession to use, numbness, panic and the need to run. We will grasp whatever defense we can to survive slipping into the bottomless pit of shame.
Ironically, these very defenses saved us during our darkest moments. They may actually be the reason we are alive today, and we can think of them as healthy reactions to very unhealthy circumstances. We can admire and respect ourselves for having them, before we lay them down and begin living a new life that no longer requires such reactions.
Most of us come into recovery as innocents. In the rawness of hitting bottom and accepting about powerlessness, we are like children, hoping everything will be fixed now. The reality is that getting sober merely gets us to the starting gate. Eventually if we are true to our recovery we will collide with the feelings we ran from for years.
Recovery is not a destination. It is a journey. From the day we took our first sober steps, we began the lifelong journey towards serenity and ultimately love. The road is sometimes treacherous, sometimes glorious, and always unpredictable. It demands our entire anticipation, our full and total commitment from our core. But we cannot get there if we are shackled by shame. With shame running our lives, many of us will drink again. Many of us will never return from a slip because the shame devours us and death seems to be the only way to relieve the pain. Anyone who has experienced the depths of shame can understand how suicide may seem to be the kinder solution.
Shame begins with feeling vulnerable and threatened. Out of control. Suddenly we are exposed and we are in danger of losing something, someone. When we are exposed against our will and our secrets are revealed even before ourselves we feel shame. It can begin with a belief we formulated without even knowing it. Yet beliefs are not necessarily based on reality. They are, however, very real for us, personally. If we decided when we were young that we were fools for loving a parent who left us, then it's possible to feel shame for the rest of our lives at the very thought of being left by someone. And so we work very hard at not being found out. For most human beings loving is as instinctual as sleeping and eating. But for the shamed person, loving means being out of control. Frantically we build elaborate defenses to make sure we are never found out; never exposed. Imagine what that does to a relationship. There can be no intimacy when we will not reveal ourselves, not declare ourselves, not commit ourselves. That is the result of shame. Eventually our partner will leave, frustrated and confused and we will have what we so desperately tried to protect ourselves from; rejection. Intimacy requires that we be vulnerable, out of control. The alcoholic personality has an aversion to being out of control. After all, didn't we drink to gain control over our feelings? Yet we cannot accept love without giving up control. In order to accept love we must be still. We must be quiet and we must open our hearts to someone else, who accepts us in all our humanness. It sounds wonderful but for the shame based person it feels horrendous. Being loved means being exposed. And being exposed means being out of control. And being out of control means.....dying.
To ask someone about his shame while he's experiencing it is like trying to discuss the nature of convulsions with an epileptic during a seizure. The very nature of shame is to protect itself from exposure. So opening up during a severe attack of shame may seem impossible for some of us. Thus we become slaves to shame, staying loyal to the feelings and ultimately just trying to survive. The end result is that we withdraw into ourselves and become untouchable, unreachable.
Because we're isolated we don't know we're not not unique, weird, crazy, bad. We don't allow others in. Instead we can end up living in a world that borders on paranoia, thinking if anyone ever knew our real feelings they would also know how defective we are. We start accepting our brutal self-criticism as normal. We become so accustomed to pain and self abuse that the next logical step is to use alcohol and other drugs to ease the pain, the fears, and the loneliness of shame.
Here's one description of the shame spiral.
1. The bond between us is broken
2. I am exposed - I fear abandonment
3. I widen the chasm because I go away to hide
4. I abuse myself or others
5. The one who shamed me or who I think shamed me tries to approach me.
6. I feel even more exposed
7. I throw up my defenses; fight, freeze, or flee. I get rageful, numb, controlling, perfectionistic , etc
8. The shame retreats in self preservation and the chasm widens.
9. I feel abandoned. I was right. I am no good.
10. More shame, more isolation, more abandonment, ad nauseum.
I'll type more tomorrow!!
Peace and Love
Phil
xx
Shame's most important objective is to not be exposed. Most people who are shame based don't know it. They can't. It's slippery. Sometimes it comes on so slowly, you won't know when you started to feel this way. And it is most often disguised as what it is not: irrational white rage, indifference, the overwhelming need to control, depression, confusion, flightiness, the obsession to use, numbness, panic and the need to run. We will grasp whatever defense we can to survive slipping into the bottomless pit of shame.
Ironically, these very defenses saved us during our darkest moments. They may actually be the reason we are alive today, and we can think of them as healthy reactions to very unhealthy circumstances. We can admire and respect ourselves for having them, before we lay them down and begin living a new life that no longer requires such reactions.
Most of us come into recovery as innocents. In the rawness of hitting bottom and accepting about powerlessness, we are like children, hoping everything will be fixed now. The reality is that getting sober merely gets us to the starting gate. Eventually if we are true to our recovery we will collide with the feelings we ran from for years.
Recovery is not a destination. It is a journey. From the day we took our first sober steps, we began the lifelong journey towards serenity and ultimately love. The road is sometimes treacherous, sometimes glorious, and always unpredictable. It demands our entire anticipation, our full and total commitment from our core. But we cannot get there if we are shackled by shame. With shame running our lives, many of us will drink again. Many of us will never return from a slip because the shame devours us and death seems to be the only way to relieve the pain. Anyone who has experienced the depths of shame can understand how suicide may seem to be the kinder solution.
Shame begins with feeling vulnerable and threatened. Out of control. Suddenly we are exposed and we are in danger of losing something, someone. When we are exposed against our will and our secrets are revealed even before ourselves we feel shame. It can begin with a belief we formulated without even knowing it. Yet beliefs are not necessarily based on reality. They are, however, very real for us, personally. If we decided when we were young that we were fools for loving a parent who left us, then it's possible to feel shame for the rest of our lives at the very thought of being left by someone. And so we work very hard at not being found out. For most human beings loving is as instinctual as sleeping and eating. But for the shamed person, loving means being out of control. Frantically we build elaborate defenses to make sure we are never found out; never exposed. Imagine what that does to a relationship. There can be no intimacy when we will not reveal ourselves, not declare ourselves, not commit ourselves. That is the result of shame. Eventually our partner will leave, frustrated and confused and we will have what we so desperately tried to protect ourselves from; rejection. Intimacy requires that we be vulnerable, out of control. The alcoholic personality has an aversion to being out of control. After all, didn't we drink to gain control over our feelings? Yet we cannot accept love without giving up control. In order to accept love we must be still. We must be quiet and we must open our hearts to someone else, who accepts us in all our humanness. It sounds wonderful but for the shame based person it feels horrendous. Being loved means being exposed. And being exposed means being out of control. And being out of control means.....dying.
To ask someone about his shame while he's experiencing it is like trying to discuss the nature of convulsions with an epileptic during a seizure. The very nature of shame is to protect itself from exposure. So opening up during a severe attack of shame may seem impossible for some of us. Thus we become slaves to shame, staying loyal to the feelings and ultimately just trying to survive. The end result is that we withdraw into ourselves and become untouchable, unreachable.
Because we're isolated we don't know we're not not unique, weird, crazy, bad. We don't allow others in. Instead we can end up living in a world that borders on paranoia, thinking if anyone ever knew our real feelings they would also know how defective we are. We start accepting our brutal self-criticism as normal. We become so accustomed to pain and self abuse that the next logical step is to use alcohol and other drugs to ease the pain, the fears, and the loneliness of shame.
Here's one description of the shame spiral.
1. The bond between us is broken
2. I am exposed - I fear abandonment
3. I widen the chasm because I go away to hide
4. I abuse myself or others
5. The one who shamed me or who I think shamed me tries to approach me.
6. I feel even more exposed
7. I throw up my defenses; fight, freeze, or flee. I get rageful, numb, controlling, perfectionistic , etc
8. The shame retreats in self preservation and the chasm widens.
9. I feel abandoned. I was right. I am no good.
10. More shame, more isolation, more abandonment, ad nauseum.
I'll type more tomorrow!!
Peace and Love
Phil
xx
awprint: RUBY Imagine yourself doing What you love and loving What you do, Being happy From the inside Out, experiencing your Dreams wide awake,
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