does this ring a bell?
People in recovery from alcoholism, addiction and codependency often have questions about just what is a healthy relationship. This article will give many people in recovery food for thought. What is a healthy relationship and how does sex fit in?
In the simplest terms, a healthy relationship is one that makes you feel good about yourself and your partner. Not only do you enjoy being together, but you can express your true self, and allow your partner to do the same. All relationships are different, of course, but healthy ones have at least five important qualities in common.
The acronym S.H.A.R.E. can help you remember these qualities.
The opposite of a healthy relationship is an abusive relationship. Such relationships involve control, fear, and lack of mutual respect. Typically, one partner does most of the controlling while the other cowers in resentment or fear. Signs of an abusive relationship include intimidation, name-calling, blaming, belittling, guilt-tripping, jealous questioning, and outright violence.
If you suspect you?re in an abusive relationship, there?s a good chance you are. Perhaps you know deep down that you?d be better off without the relationship but are afraid to leave it. You may depend on your partner?s income, you may fear being on your own, or you may rationalize the relationship as ?better than nothing.? In the long run, however, an abusive relationship does far more damage to your self-esteem than the absence of a relationship (and the opportunity to find a healthy one).
Many people who have abused drugs, alcohol or grown up in a home with unhealthy relationships may be so familiar with abuse that they have come to believe dysfunction is the norm.
Relationships in recovery can be a tricky thing. In fact, most people probably don't realize it, but relationships are the number one problem when it comes to relapse. Nothing else has the same amount of power to create such turmoil in our lives.
Think about it: your life is made up of nothing but relationships. If you were living on a deserted island, with no one else, your life would be very different indeed. At the very least, your level of stress would certainly be lower. This points out the true nature of relationships in our recovery: they are both a blessing and a curse. They bring us great joy, but they can also cause us a lot of grief. As such, they must be handled with care and approached in an intelligent way.
There are essentially 3 types of relationships in your life: one with yourself, one with your higher power, and one with a significant other. There are also dozens of other relationships in your life, such as with your coworkers or your friends, but those are the 3 big ones. Let's take a look at them in more detail.
Relationship with yourself - This is the first relationship that you must cultivate and repair in early recovery, because it forms the basis for all other relationships. For most recovering addicts and alcoholics, this means forgiving yourself. What does this mean? It means that you have to let go of all of the emotional baggage that you are carrying around with you and give yourself a break. Now that you're in recovery you're trying to do something different. You need to forgive yourself and allow yourself to live again.
Relationship with your higher power - Again, most addicts and alcoholics in early recovery need to do some work in this area. When we first get clean and sober, we are usually far removed from our connection with our higher power because we've been essentially ignoring God for so long. Getting back in touch with our spiritual side is critical for success in early recovery. There is a hierarchy here with relationship building. Start out by connecting with yourself and with your higher power, and this will lead to better relationships with others. As you get more in tune with your own spiritual side, your ability to connect and empathize with others will increase.
Relationship with your significant other - This can only flourish if you have nailed the other two relationships. In early recovery, there is a danger in rushing out and finding a new relationship with a significant other. The reason this is so dangerous is because a new relationship will create a temporary and false spiritual connection, one that replaces any need to cultivate and nurture the other two relationships (with yourself and with your higher power). Those other two relationships are the ones that will keep you clean and sober, not the relationship with a significant other. But there is a strong tendency to use a new relationship as a recovery strategy without even realizing it, and many newcomers relapse because of this.
Remember that relationships are a double-edged sword. They can bring us great joy, but at the same time, they can be extremely dangerous for the newcomer.
I've only copied these articles as I was reading them only the other night!!
I recently became emotionally involved with a woman in NA and she was and still is like a drug/drink to me. someone said to me the other week "Phil the type of woman you are attracted to is where you are yourself in recovery!". This didn't sit too well with me at all to be honest. Upon further examination though he was totally right. I found I was 'fixing' myself on this woman by changing how I felt by being with her rather than just being happy with myself first and foremost. Like the example of being on a dessert island I feel I have to find that happiness from within me first to be able to even contemplate any kind of relationship (not just romantically either). relationships with my family, friends and daughter and other human beings in general. I've always disguised love as something it isn't so it fits into my way of thinking which in effect was me getting my own needs met first and foremost. True love for me today brings about a whole new meaning and is something very spiritual and on a level of intimacy I could never reach or even maintain whilst I was drinking. I always had expectations of what I wanted from my partners and having these 'agendas' was never going to work as my expectations where never met.
I face a tough decision myself today. Whatever that decision is it both options are going to cause me angst. I either continue what I'm doing and probably end up relapsing over it or I cut all ties now and feel shit about it. Both options are gonna cause me pain whichever way I go but in the long run I know which is the right decision for me as it's the one I battle against the most. Which, for me is my self will.
Just by what you have typed in your post and not from my own experience; in all honesty I feel it's an unhealthy decision. But as greenie said only you will now if you dig deep and listen to that 'voice'. For me it's the voice I battle that's the one I listen to the most at the moment.
I am reading a great book at the moment called Spiritual Growth - Being Your Higher Self by Sanaya Roman. You can 'look inside' this book on Amazon.
Amazon.com: Spiritual Growth: Being Your Higher Self (Sanaya Roman): Sanaya Roman: Books
Peace and Love my friend
Phil
xx
People in recovery from alcoholism, addiction and codependency often have questions about just what is a healthy relationship. This article will give many people in recovery food for thought. What is a healthy relationship and how does sex fit in?
In the simplest terms, a healthy relationship is one that makes you feel good about yourself and your partner. Not only do you enjoy being together, but you can express your true self, and allow your partner to do the same. All relationships are different, of course, but healthy ones have at least five important qualities in common.
The acronym S.H.A.R.E. can help you remember these qualities.
- Safety: In a healthy relationship you feel safe. You don?t worry that your partner will harm you physically or emotionally, and you don?t feel inclined to use physical or emotional violence against your partner. You can try new things (such as taking a night class) or change your mind about something (such as engaging in a sexual activity that makes you feel uncomfortable) without fearing your partner?s reaction.
- Honesty: You don?t hide anything important from your partner, and can express your thoughts without fear of censure or ridicule. You can admit to being wrong. You resolve disagreements by talking honestly.
- Acceptance:
- A healthy relationship isn?t just about how two people treat each other ? it also has to be enjoyable. In a healthy relationship, you feel energized and alive in your partner?s presence. You can play and laugh together. You have fun.
The opposite of a healthy relationship is an abusive relationship. Such relationships involve control, fear, and lack of mutual respect. Typically, one partner does most of the controlling while the other cowers in resentment or fear. Signs of an abusive relationship include intimidation, name-calling, blaming, belittling, guilt-tripping, jealous questioning, and outright violence.
If you suspect you?re in an abusive relationship, there?s a good chance you are. Perhaps you know deep down that you?d be better off without the relationship but are afraid to leave it. You may depend on your partner?s income, you may fear being on your own, or you may rationalize the relationship as ?better than nothing.? In the long run, however, an abusive relationship does far more damage to your self-esteem than the absence of a relationship (and the opportunity to find a healthy one).
Many people who have abused drugs, alcohol or grown up in a home with unhealthy relationships may be so familiar with abuse that they have come to believe dysfunction is the norm.
Relationships in recovery can be a tricky thing. In fact, most people probably don't realize it, but relationships are the number one problem when it comes to relapse. Nothing else has the same amount of power to create such turmoil in our lives.
Think about it: your life is made up of nothing but relationships. If you were living on a deserted island, with no one else, your life would be very different indeed. At the very least, your level of stress would certainly be lower. This points out the true nature of relationships in our recovery: they are both a blessing and a curse. They bring us great joy, but they can also cause us a lot of grief. As such, they must be handled with care and approached in an intelligent way.
There are essentially 3 types of relationships in your life: one with yourself, one with your higher power, and one with a significant other. There are also dozens of other relationships in your life, such as with your coworkers or your friends, but those are the 3 big ones. Let's take a look at them in more detail.
Relationship with yourself - This is the first relationship that you must cultivate and repair in early recovery, because it forms the basis for all other relationships. For most recovering addicts and alcoholics, this means forgiving yourself. What does this mean? It means that you have to let go of all of the emotional baggage that you are carrying around with you and give yourself a break. Now that you're in recovery you're trying to do something different. You need to forgive yourself and allow yourself to live again.
Relationship with your higher power - Again, most addicts and alcoholics in early recovery need to do some work in this area. When we first get clean and sober, we are usually far removed from our connection with our higher power because we've been essentially ignoring God for so long. Getting back in touch with our spiritual side is critical for success in early recovery. There is a hierarchy here with relationship building. Start out by connecting with yourself and with your higher power, and this will lead to better relationships with others. As you get more in tune with your own spiritual side, your ability to connect and empathize with others will increase.
Relationship with your significant other - This can only flourish if you have nailed the other two relationships. In early recovery, there is a danger in rushing out and finding a new relationship with a significant other. The reason this is so dangerous is because a new relationship will create a temporary and false spiritual connection, one that replaces any need to cultivate and nurture the other two relationships (with yourself and with your higher power). Those other two relationships are the ones that will keep you clean and sober, not the relationship with a significant other. But there is a strong tendency to use a new relationship as a recovery strategy without even realizing it, and many newcomers relapse because of this.
Remember that relationships are a double-edged sword. They can bring us great joy, but at the same time, they can be extremely dangerous for the newcomer.
I've only copied these articles as I was reading them only the other night!!
I recently became emotionally involved with a woman in NA and she was and still is like a drug/drink to me. someone said to me the other week "Phil the type of woman you are attracted to is where you are yourself in recovery!". This didn't sit too well with me at all to be honest. Upon further examination though he was totally right. I found I was 'fixing' myself on this woman by changing how I felt by being with her rather than just being happy with myself first and foremost. Like the example of being on a dessert island I feel I have to find that happiness from within me first to be able to even contemplate any kind of relationship (not just romantically either). relationships with my family, friends and daughter and other human beings in general. I've always disguised love as something it isn't so it fits into my way of thinking which in effect was me getting my own needs met first and foremost. True love for me today brings about a whole new meaning and is something very spiritual and on a level of intimacy I could never reach or even maintain whilst I was drinking. I always had expectations of what I wanted from my partners and having these 'agendas' was never going to work as my expectations where never met.
I face a tough decision myself today. Whatever that decision is it both options are going to cause me angst. I either continue what I'm doing and probably end up relapsing over it or I cut all ties now and feel shit about it. Both options are gonna cause me pain whichever way I go but in the long run I know which is the right decision for me as it's the one I battle against the most. Which, for me is my self will.
Just by what you have typed in your post and not from my own experience; in all honesty I feel it's an unhealthy decision. But as greenie said only you will now if you dig deep and listen to that 'voice'. For me it's the voice I battle that's the one I listen to the most at the moment.
I am reading a great book at the moment called Spiritual Growth - Being Your Higher Self by Sanaya Roman. You can 'look inside' this book on Amazon.
Amazon.com: Spiritual Growth: Being Your Higher Self (Sanaya Roman): Sanaya Roman: Books
Peace and Love my friend
Phil
xx
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