Concerned.

[Popeye]

My daughter's worrying me.
She's finding it harder and harder to keep on top of things at home. Her boyfriend's not much use and things are bad regarding her housing situation. She moved into Glasgow in a bid for an independence she acquired years ago, but moved into a place owned by an unregulated landlord. The agent is a buddy of her boyfriend and I think there may have been some dodgy dealings that I intend getting to the bottom of. The social security has been paying her rent. I've nothing against that because we all may need a little help from time to time. She's decided to apply for another house with the council, but she left their last place with some debt so they're not on the best of terms. Now this is OK too, but she said that she's going to move out at the weekend, put her pregant self and the two kids in a homeless unit thereby forcing the council to house them. Her mother and I won't hear of it. She's adamant that she's leaving the house at the weekend, so her mum has offered to have them with her till they can get something sorted. We asked what was so urgent and she's not telling. She's making up stuff that an idiot can see through and her plans change on an almost hourly basis. On top of that, they have other schemes in hand to diddle the Social Security out of as much as they can. I am to have her boyfriend stay with me so that she can claim that he deserted them and get a few extra quid. That, to me is degrading and demeaning. I'm concerned and angry about this, but with her it's either her way or no way. I can only offer my help and advice. Bringing up kids like that is not on unless absolutely unavoidable. She loves them to pieces but I don't think she can see what she's doing as wrong.

[tawnyfrog]

Concerned.

Sorry Pops - I have no patience, compassion or understanding for people who try to rort the system.

[Popeye]

Concerned.

Me neither.
I've told her so.

[Evie.Lou]

Concerned.

That is a very hard place to be put in.
I think you have to stand your ground and in the long run she (and the kids) will respect your honesty and integrity. Going along with shady doings isn't who you are and I think if you do that you are not being the teacher that she needs in her life.
Your kids are always (KIDS) and look to you to set an example of how to live their lives. Be TRUE to your own set of morals and the kids will benefit in the long run.

[Tabbers (a.k.a. KTAB)]

Concerned.

Hi Pops I am certainly no expert on this but I would agree with what Oney has said. It seems that your daughter has gotten into the mindset of the state owing her a living. In relation to the boyfriend hidding out in your house I would say do not assist her in this fraudulant behavour, does she realise that if social services find out they could be prossected?
Have you mentioned to her that if she goes ahead with this plan to move out who is to say how long they will be left in the shelter and could then be housed in a dump.
It all sounds like something else is going on that they arent telling you. Is the boyfriend in trouble and needs to get out quick? I feel for you it is so tough when you see your kids making awful mistakes but they just wont listen.

[cymru]

Concerned.

Would agree with others in that having the boyfriend living with you to swindle money is a no no. If that's what she wants to do, then there is not much you can do. She is an adult and must make her own disicions in life. But if you get implimated in it in some way, it could effect you. Mentally, your in a good space right now, and it's early days to rock the boat with regards to your sobriety.
As zenny said, it seems from what you have said that there is more to this than you know.
Until she can be 100% truthfull with you, you can only let her know your love.

[Accountable for Me]

Concerned.

Hmmm... it sounds to me that they have no intention on paying the rent for July and they are bailing out? This is what I gather with the 'urgency' of it all.

Sometimes parents are put in such awkward situations because of their kids. Lying for them is a big one. You are caught between a rock and a hard place. She is obviously going along with something her boyfriend has concocted.

If I were you, and this is just my opinion; I would NOT let the boyfriend stay with you. Not only could you be caught in the middle if they get caught frauding the system... but your sobriety could be at risk as well. You don't need the drama, my friend. Can't he find some other place to stay?

I wish you all the best. This is a tough one. Keep us posted.

[Cinders]

Concerned.

Pops,

I don't know or understand the system there but I agree with all above.

BF absolutely should not come stay with you. Let your girl know you love her very much but you will not be complicit in any wrong doings. Lead by example.

I am sorry for this. These things wrap us up until we have no idea which way is up.

Love,
Cindi

[greeneyes]

Concerned.

Pops, I love your avatar! You have gotten to such a good place now. You have a clarity about you which includes well established boundaries. I think you should honor them. What your daughter and partner are doing are outside those boundaries. You've made your feelings clear, stick to them. Let them make their choices. Wish them luck and hope for the best for them on their path. You can say no without judging. They may be comfortable with the plan but you are not and you can exercise YOUR choice in sticking to your boundaries. I hope that doesn't sound bossy. I get cranked up on boundaries because my husband didn't have any and he battered mine down and made me doubt my guiding voice. I won't let that happen again.

[polaryzed]

Concerned.

Hi Popeye . . .

Lord luv a Duck as my Mom used to say . . .

I too agree with the others here . . . and I pray that your daughter and her significant other get the bigger picture . . . trying to shaft the System could land them in a place they don't want to be . . . stand your ground and be firm like Greenie said . . .

An acquantance of mine went to 'jail' for 2 years for defrauding the Welfare System and she had 2 toddlers and the time (her hubby thought they could get away with it, why he didn't go to jail instead I don't know). Seeing her on the news being arrested was very sad.

Best of the best to you Popeye and everyone . . .

[irish eyes]

Concerned.

Pops, I agree with all of above, dont get involved, this has nothing to do with you, please dont make it your problem. Be there for your daughter but from a distance......

[Popeye]

Concerned.

Thanks guys.
I've been thinking about it's obvious that doing the right thing is always for the best.
I'd be helping nobody by going along with this. I still don't know why they have to leave. She insists that the rent has been paid so I can't see how the landlord can boot them out without the proper notice. I'm going to have a word with her boyfriend and see if I can get a straight answer from him and with her to try and instill a little pride into her attitude about self-reliance. It's been mentioned that there has been some intimidation going on, on the part of the landlord, but nobody can tell me who he is, and then the story changes again. There are legal protections in place to make sure that these things don't happen, and if she's caught doing anything illegal she'll have the social workers on her like a ton of bricks. It hurts to think this, but I'm beginning to feel that she's using her children as bargaining tools to see what she can get, otherwise she would be a little more up-front about things. I don't know....
I can't help sort it out if I don't know what's wrong, and I'll not be playing any part in anything deceptive.
I'll see what happens next.
Once again, I appreciate your input.

[louise]

Concerned.

Popeye - I didn't see this yesterday, but sounds like you have come to a good decision. It is very hard when there are small children involved. But you didn't raise her this way and hopefully her upbringing will win in the end. Hugs to you.