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**tiptronic_ct** · July 3, 2009, 08:06 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Hey, Cat

You know a bit about me by now, so you know I can identify with the roster of liquor stores - I had quite a nice schedule, so that I wouldn't forget that I had visited a particualr one one or two days before :-)

Ditto the secret stashes etc.

My wife found a few of my stashes, so I guess there is no need to 'fess up... I've since given up on hiding, and it's a good feeling.

However, I think I will carry the extent of my alcoholism and the depths I had sunk to, to myself and other MWO'ers.

For every bottle she found (3 in total - even a full one I had forgotten about), I must have consumed 60...

It might be a cop-out in a sense, but I feel that as long as I clean up my act and keep it clean, those things are in the past, and belong there. As long as I keep my memories of how bad it was very vivid, I think it would be OK not to share with all and sundry.

I also don't think you still need to carry the guilt. If you were still drinking, by all means - you would deserve (or rather, it would be expected) to feel some guilt, because you're busy screwing up big-time

Tip

**savon19** · July 3, 2009, 08:18 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Cat - It sounds like you've made some big changes. I don't think telling about your past will do anyone any good (as you said yourself). I guess there's something about human nature that we feel this need to confess! There are times when it can do good, but you are not that person anymore.

If you HAVE to say anything, I would only tell husband - certainly not kids.

What helps to let go of guilt is ... time. And not re-hashing it all in your mind. You've learned and are now moving on. CONGRATS, btw. I'm still struggling. Can't seem to let the demon go...

**DriftyAlison0** · July 3, 2009, 08:25 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Al almost had me convinced that I could have 1 to 2 drinks and not have to start back at day one.

Day 5 and will make it past day 12 again.

**hippie37** · July 3, 2009, 08:25 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Hi cat.

reading your post I think it does sound like it's coming from a place of guilt at the moment. That's not to say that won't change in later months/years to come. I think you do need to look at your motives for telling your family again and ask yourself what would they benefit from knowing all this. It is in a sense a form of manipulation to ease yourself from the guilt you feel. That can be dealt with with support from fellow alcoholics etc.

I wanted to do exactly the same thing with my own mother when I had a family meeting early in treatment so I now know exactly what it was I was trying to do myself!!. I think when you've dealt with your own guilt and are in a much stronger place then it maybe a good time to start talking with your family about it in more depth. It will come from a much more loving and mutual place that will benefit everybody concerned. I'm still waiting to reach that place myself before I too talk with my own family about the true extent of my actions in active addiction so you are not alone.

Peace and Love
Phil
xx

**42cat** · July 3, 2009, 08:33 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Thank you all for the great responses. I'm so thankful to have you all to talk to! Sometimes just getting stuff out of your head, and onto the message board, is perfect therapy.

((hugs)) ... you are the bestest.

**Accountable for Me** · July 3, 2009, 08:36 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

I also had a roster of liquor stores back in the day. I had the stashes, top ups, you name it.

I spent a lot of time, energy and money on my drinking career. The word 'Lie' actually became my first name in due time.

I didn't have to come 'clean' so to speak. By the time I was burnt out in my career I was no longer a functional alcoholic.

However, nowadays I can talk about all of this freely. (to select, trusted people) And not to poke fun at something as serious as this; I can also laugh at myself. (Which I think is a part of healing).

I think everyone is different in regards to spilling the beans. Some people never say a word to anyone about it and others open up when they are comfortable.

**puddytat** · July 3, 2009, 08:45 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Hmmm... secrets and lies ... Cat, sounds like you presented to the world as very high-functioning -- you drank a TON! .

When I would share my struggles with people back when I was still a high-functioning alcoholic, I got a lot minimizing. "Oh c'mon... you?! naawwww.... " "Don't you think you're exaggerating?" etc)

Kind of took the wind out of my sails, ya know? and that's all sneaky AL needs is some minimizing and poo-poo'ing for permission to take back control.

And then if I'd embellish my story by sharing my "secrets" (drinking at work, driving, passing out with a pot boiling on the stove, candles melted etc. -- all the sordid details!) ... then I felt really ashamed by the look in their eyes, ya know, that I was quite deviant and irresponsible. And that did nothing to steel my wool either!

So, my experience in sharing all the sordid details with non-alcoholics is it more often felt like it jeopardized my tenuous hold on sobriety, rather than strengthened it. And not sure they all need to know everything -- as long as I was honest with myself and to some supportive fellow-travellers! that's my personal experience

And you've been honest - WE know what bad shape you were in, and are so proud of your achievement this past month, Cat!!!

**scrubbly** · July 3, 2009, 09:13 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Cat, I so appreciate the honesty in your posts....and you and I are at about the same point, I am 41 days completely sober as of today, was modding for about 6 weeks prior to that.

I too have been thinking through a lot of STUFF lately and have landed upon a lot of questions about where to "PUT" the things that I have been through and done that I had been so good at hiding before.

As for your question here, I have to lean towards where Phil is heading...I feel that in general, guilt is a very personal (though very heavy nonetheless) burden, and when we "tell all" it is usually about US, not about the people we are telling.

When we tell all to loved ones, we put the burden down, and often put it squarely on their shoulders. When we put it down with other addicts/strangers/people who know us in our pain/therapists/etc. then it is just gone, because we know why you are putting it out there, and there is no reason for us to pick it up.

Confession IS good for the soul. But whose?

**42cat** · July 3, 2009, 09:23 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Thanks again, everyone. Lots of good stuff to consider and think about. You are so right about confession being about "us" .. taking the burden from us and putting it elsewhere. There's no reason for me to give it to my husband to think about and dwell upon.

I give it to all of you.

Thanks for taking it, and for understanding.

**puddytat** · July 3, 2009, 09:47 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Confession is good for the soul -- but whose? I like that, Scrubbly. You have such a great way of putting things.

Maybe that's why people I confessed to minimized or brushed-off my troubles -- they didn't welcome having this heavy burden placed on their shoulders ... then where do they put it?

**jessie** · July 3, 2009, 10:08 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Hi Cat, this is an intriguing thread and the responses are absolutely wonderful. I agree with the general feeling - you have confessed to having a problem and that's enough. Whatever your believes are - I believe that if we confess with sincererity and try our - very fallable human best - we are totally forgiven by God. The actual amounts you drank has nothing to do with anyone else. And believe me - I was also the queen of lies and knew every trick in the book. That is why AA and MWO is so wonderful - here you can confess every detail and get the guilt out of your heart - we all share the pain and triumphs.

**nancy** · July 3, 2009, 10:17 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Hi Cat

What people said here makes sense. People who don't have a problem might either mimize it or else think you are a deviant. There's not a lot of understanding or tolerance of alcoholism out there.

On the other hand, I do admire some people who just tell you they don't drink because they had a problem before. It's like alcoholics outing themselves. I think that can be good for all of us. They don't go into details, they just say, something like: You wouldn't like to see me on alcohol, or it didn't agree with them. Or they just say it was causing problems so they just don't do it anymore.

The answer you are seeking is going to depend on the privacy of whoever is responding. But one thing that I think you are getting at and which could be good for you is to share this stuff with a human being. I think maybe it would be good for you to go to an AA meeting and talk to someone about it. i think there is one step where they share all the things they have done wrong with another human being, could be a sponsor. Even if you don't agree with the program it might be good to go to a few just for this purpose. There is also a group called Women for Sobriety that meets in person. You can google it.

Anyway, it might be good for you to open up about this to other alcoholics in person, not just online. Otherwise, your success is a little bit lonely.

In terms of details with those you know, I would avoid that unless it's a really close relationship. I wouldn't advise telling children just yet. You don't want to become the subject of gossip. You could say something like you were overdoing it and it wasn't that healthy. A lot of people start to clean their act up as they get older.

**polaryzed** · July 3, 2009, 10:22 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

Hi Cat42 and everyone . . .

Excellent post, I as well am not sure it would help you to confess, especially to co-workers and or associates, it could cause some unexpected friction.

For me I don't have to admit anything, hubby has a habit of making sure ppl. know and then some sarcasim has arisen. That said he has no idea that I have found this forum and have improved a thousand fold.

Not everyone we know can understand and be compassionate to the bigger and broader scope of AL (some just see the flaws).

**42cat** · July 3, 2009, 11:52 AM

AL's secrets and lies ... Did you tell?

I'm so glad I posted my question. You've all really helped me. I was struggling with the "tell or don't tell ... and am I a bad person if I keep my secret" ... but I'm really feeling so much better about it. I actually thought a lot of your responses would lean toward telling my husband and getting it all out there and, I have to admit, I don't really want to do that .. at least not at this time. .... and now I'm feeling good about it all.

Nancy, you made a great point about sharing with another human, face to face. It would, no doubt, feel great to do that. I hope that I will some day, although I'm not really AA material.

... I soooo dislike group meetings ... I couldn't even sit through a weight watchers meeting ... and don't even get me started on board meetings. Maybe i just hate people .. LOL.

My co-worker is my main/best friend and, if I tell someone - some day - she'll probably be the first. I know she'd be surprised ... kinda like a commercial I saw for one of those intervention type shows ... "Wow, you drank? THAT much? Holy cow. But, you couldn't have. I've never seen you drunk." .... And, in the commercial, the woman's response was, "You've never seen me sober."

Thanks again, guys!

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