Please help me with my spouse

[Lighthouse]

Please help me with my spouse

cacky;663865 wrote: Lighthouse...check out the family members thread. but also you really need to change your mindset or your family will not recover from this disease. his/her drinking or not drinking has nothing to do with you or the kids. actually guilt from family members helps to continue the cycle (not that you are to blame..because his/her drinking has nothing to do with you) the suggestionn of Alanon is great because you sound like you think there is a problem. you can learn alot through Alanon and find people like you. its not a problem that the drinker wants either.

I'm not arguing, I may just not 'see'...but I don't know if this applies here...the 'guilt' that I feel is not guilt for him drinking, it's guilt for keeping my children here, and 'letting' them witness it, or live this way. Not that the spouse is a bumbling drunk, but they are physically and emotionally absent, and when they are here, at least 1/2 the time, they are unnecessarily short tempered and mean. Yelling at the children, when a normal, or very slightly stern voice will do fine.

I am wondering about Alanon...are there meetings? I don't know how I would go. "Excuse me dear...can you watch the children while I go to this Alanon meeting, because you won't stop drinking?" ...don't know how that would be received.

[Lighthouse]

Please help me with my spouse

42cat...don't apologize for being long-winded...thank you!
What you said about what he is taking away is exactly right. It really makes me angry, too!! I am being cheated (my kids also). And the way you said it was for you, with your father...exactly. He is short with us, yells-making everyone feel badly. I am really worried about what it does to them. I know how it makes me feel, so I can't imagine a small child.

I sent him a link (he gets annoyed when I try to confront him, so doing it in writing is a good way to get the conversation started), so we'll see what his reaction is.

[CS04]

Please help me with my spouse

Lighthouse, check out the "Family Members Affected by Drinking" thread. You will find a lot of help there.

[~iirene~]

Please help me with my spouse

The spouse will follow the mouse at some point.

[Lighthouse]

Please help me with my spouse

~iirene~;663973 wrote: The spouse will follow the mouse at some point.

hmmm...what does this mean?

[kriger]

Please help me with my spouse

Lighthouse,
When I came to MWO a year I stopped drinking but hubby did not. I stopped for 10 months but instead of concentrating on making my OWN life better I let myself dwell on him and my worry for his health, etc. Mine is a really sweet cuddly drink so at some level maybe I did not want to see that go away. Anyway, what happens is even though I wasn't drinking all that time I was circling the drain with him because I didn't "detach" like I should have. I ended up drinking last month....
The moral of the story is that you need to concentrate on making your life and the life of your kids the BEST that you can. It will be difficult but rewarding in the end. My hubby has now stopped drinking as I have again so we are walking this road together now. Start doing your life differently and you might be surprised how the whole situation "turns around". I wish you the best thru the coming days.
krigs

[Determinatrix]

Please help me with my spouse

Lighthouse;663770 wrote: Cindi...help me understand why a person continues, knowing the pain it causes their loved one.

This statement hit home with me. I remember asking this very same question, in tears.

Please don't make his drinking about you.
I know you are dealing with it on an everyday basis and it seems difficult to act as if it does not affect you, but this is the path to your sanity.
If you live everyday affected by alcohol, then you are also feeding this:
you have your own alcohol related obsession.

Go to al-anon, talk with others in your shoes, learn about detachment.

Dx

[Tulipe]

Please help me with my spouse

Hi Lighthouse,
I can see how deeply you are affected by your husband's drinking. If he's defensive about it, it's so hard to confront him isn't it? I grew up with an alcoholic father, and I never knew when I would say something which would set him off. It's terrible for children to grow up in this environment.
Far be it for me to give advice on how to talk to him, but here are two things I heard, one on this website, and one from my husband.
First, there is nothing sexy about alcohol abuse.
Second, there was a choice involved - which do I love more - my family or wine? My choice was, actually that I loved myself most of all so on June 15 I went AF for my first day in years.

I hope you husband sees the light. But you also need to keep your head straight and make sure you live the life you want.

[cacky]

Please help me with my spouse

Tulipe, i think that's great advice. I do want to caution we all do find our way in our own time. I think it puts lighthouse's husband in a bad place to make it seem that simple. it has taken me many many years to see the light. its all very personal in timing for all of us.

[periwinkle]

Please help me with my spouse

Lighthouse;663959 wrote:
I am wondering about Alanon...are there meetings? I don't know how I would go. "Excuse me dear...can you watch the children while I go to this Alanon meeting, because you won't stop drinking?" ...don't know how that would be received.

I went to Al-Anon when my kids were young. I went when my then husband was at work. There was no way I would have left them with him because of how much he drank. Sounds like you can't do that either. I believe that you will find a way if you decide to get there. It really was a God send for me at the time. I believe that there may even be some meetings that provide for on-site child care.

And now I'm here because of my own drinking - 25 years later, hmmm.

I wish you the very best. Do find help for you. There is lots of support here for you.

periwinkle :l

[LVT25]

Please help me with my spouse

Lighthouse--

I was married to an alcoholic at age 23--quite a few years ago. Of course I knew he drank too much, but I thought that would all change once we were married.
I went to al-anon, and I guess it was helpful to an extent--mostly the wives sat around and bitched about what their drunk husbands did that week. When he went to dry-out, I was able to go to an intensive out-patient family treatment. I learned a lot about alcoholism and myself. I couldn't change him--only he could change--but I could change the way I reacted. We ended up divorcing--I tried to stay with him through sickness and in health, but when I let go, it became clear letting him go was the answer.

My advice to you at this point is to get yourself this book :" Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beatty. It will at least help you understand. Read all you can here and read every book you can on the addiction. Then live YOUR life. Do your thing with your kids. Talk to him if you can. Let him know how you feel.

After divorcing my first husband, I married another alcoholic. I love him dearly and will never leave him. I guess over the years I had taken "If you can't beat em, join em" outlook. When I quit drinking (10 months ago) our relationship started to suffer. I started feeling the old feelings of co-dependency I had with my first husband. It's hard, and I know better than to say much about his drinking to him. So I am trying hard to do my own thing, with my kids.

I hope this helps in some small way--I know how you feel. :h

[Tulipe]

Please help me with my spouse

Hey Cacky that is good to point out - thank you.
Light - I don't mean to simplify because everyone is so different that these situations are complex. I projected a bit of my personal experience into my note so please take it with a grain of salt.