Nora's journey

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks Meech - I was thinking today that another one for me is the depression. It is another MAJOR trigger. I need to think of other ways to deal with it too. Similiar to the stress but I think I need a plan for that too. I'm going to be thinking about that one today. I have had a lot of sadness this week. I need to give myself permission to feel the sadness without covering it up with alcohol.

My Plan for Dealing with Sadness/Depression without Turning to Alcohol
? Allow myself to cry
? Tell someone how I feel (my husband/my friend) don't hold it in
? Remember that things will get better
? Learn to hang in there - the alcohol will only make it worse

Well back to work. That's my list for now. Incomplete but at least I'm starting. Feel so sad today and am glad that I started a list.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

5-20-10 part b

well.....I made it. I am going to bed and I made it thru Day 4. I am so glad that I had started working on my plans for when I'm stressed or depressed. They were needed today.

I used the breathing in & out.
I allowed myself to cry.
I told someone how I felt (my husband).

I repeated my mantra over & over while crying but I did it......
I did not drink yesterday, I will not drink today and I will not drink tomorrow...........repeat

My best friend is still waiting to hear from the cardiologist surgeon/team regarding her aortic aneurysm. We are scared. I have been trying to be so strong for her. I think that she needed to know that I was scared too. We finally had a cry together tonight. Yes - things are scary. But, I'm still sure they are going to be ok. It is hard to live so far away from each other at times like this.

[4MyHealth]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora,
It sounds like you have a lot going on and that you are dealing with it so well. I deal with depression in the wrong ways so I have to re-learn how to deal with them. I also have to set a good example for my sons and don't want to see that sad look in my husband's eyes when I drink too much.

I hope you're best friend gets good news from her doctors. I'm sure she is so glad to have you there for her! Stay strong, stay well!

[Guitarista]

Nora's journey

Hi all.

Hang in there Nora!

[Meech]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora,

Good job staying focussed and making it through day 4. Keep strong facing your fears, worries, sadness head on and sober. It's always tough and AL only makes it worse.

I am still dealing with my loss (twin brother died unexpectedly in March) and when I would get drunk to numb the pain it just made it so much worse and then when I thought it was as bad as it could get I would wake up the next morning hungover and even more depressed plus shamed, self hatred - awful stuff.

It's hard sober but it's much worse with AL.

You are doing so well. I will pray for the health of your friend.
:l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

5-21-10

Thank you all so much for the support. It means so much to me.

Meech - I just can't even imagine the sadness that you have gone thru and are continuing to go thru. My thoughts are with you.

Made it thru Day 5. We are babysitting this weekend so that makes it easier. Stress is still here, of course, but I can't reach to the Alcohol as a way to cope with it.
I am going to try to spend a lot of quality time with the kids. These are my nephews kids - Age 10, 6 and 4. They are going to be moving in about 3 weeks across the country to Louisiana. My nephew is in the Air Force and that is where he is being stationed. So, this is bittersweet. We are going to miss them so much.

My girlfriend finally heard from the cardiologists office. Very frustrating. She never even went in to actually talk to him after being seen in the hospital by another cardiologist 2 weeks ago. Finally got a call today from the nurse......the surgeon said that he doesn't want to do surgery now, wants to watch it & check her again in a year and for her to go see her regular doctor that maybe she needs blood pressure medicine. Needless to say the frustration level just went thru the roof after that call. Well, I reminded her that she still had an appointment with another cardiologist in another city that she hadn't cancelled yet. She had been waiting to hear from this highly recommended place. But, it doesn't hurt to go ahead and keep the other appointment just so she can talk to a cardiologist and ask questions. There are a million questions running thru your head when you know that you have an aneurysm in your heart that could possibly explode at any moment.

She was supposed to have come out here on June 3rd for 2 weeks. We are canceling that trip. I am going to talk to my boss and see if I can arrange for a week off and fly out there. I only get 2 weeks vacation a year and I've already taken it. I've worked for this company for 32 years. I am hoping that there won't be a big issue with me taking the extra time off. I had already scheduled to take a couple days off anyway in June so it shouldn't be that much of an issue. We will see. I think he has seen how stressed out I've been so I think he will work with me here.

Well.....I'm just rambling on & on. I guess I needed to get a lot of my chest. I'm sitting here typing and now my hubby says you can always tell me things that you need to say. Sigh....I need to try to talk to him more. I hold things in too much. I am trying. I am trying. Ok, to let me off the hook since I'm just rambling right now....a lot of the times, I'll start talking and he'll interrupt or he will misunderstand/misinterpret what I'm trying to say. So, that's something else that needs to be worked on. There...good for me. I realized that was not completely my fault. Baby steps.

Ok - better get some sleep. Going to have three kids up early. They are already talking about breakfast. They love coming over here and getting their waffles with vanilla ice-cream. We just love spoiling them.

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

Hey Nora,
I reckon they wouldn't leave your mate for a year if they were that worried? I don't know, just guessin?
How you doin anyway. Good on you gettin a few days going. Don't mind hubby, they don't understand anything!(joke - sort of!!)
Why do you only get 2 weeks hols a year, surely that's sort of against the law or something? I get 5 weeks, I reckon you should talk to your boss after 32 years!!
Talk later
Molly

[Meech]

Nora's journey

Hang in there Nora. Glad she is getting another Dr.'s opinion. That's wise.

Hope you have an enjoyable breakfast. Sounds yummy!

:l

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

be strong my friend...we are struggling together....
My hubs does the same thing...but we are both lucky to have good men we can lean on
(what i hate is when he watches tv while I am trying to talk)
are you taking an antidepressant? I can't remember...
love you....be strong....we are gonna do this together!!!!!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

6-16-10

As I came back to this journal to write, I looked at just a couple of previous posts. I realize that they are all the same. My depression has taken over. I think that is the main problem going on with me now.
Hubby and I were driving to the airport today and asked me if he could do anything to help me. That he was there if I needed to talk. That I just seemed so down. Asked what was wrong. I just said that I didn't really know that I just was really depressed. He said that alcoholism would make you depressed. I told him that he is trying to label me & put me in a box and wrap a ribbon around it. It is much more involved than that. I really think that I am having issues.
So....I have an appointment next week with my gynecologist. I'm going to talk to her about checking my blood levels for hormones, etc. If I don't get any results from that then I am going to check into counseling. There is something wrong. Walking around on the verge of crying all the time is not normal for me. Being so stressed out that I have a hard time functioning is not normal for me.
I have been using alcohol to cover this up. Hide it. But, I have also been going thru periods of not drinking and I have been the same way. I can't blame this on the alcohol. The alcohol makes it worse of course.
I don't even know why I'm writing all this out. I just feel like I need to somehow let it out. I have been trying to take care of everyone and I am overwhelmed. But, I am so angry at myself for complaining and being overwhelmed. So many people have it so much worse than I do. How dare I even complain. An endless cycle that goes on & on.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

8-12-10

I have been sitting here debating leaving MWO. I have been reading some posts and I seem to be one of the people that they are talking about. Some people have been talking about the people that have been here for a long period of time and still are struggling. I have been here for so long and I am still struggling. Maybe I don?t belong here. I guess I need to take a hard look and decide. I know that I have found a lot of support here and I thought that was what this was all about.
I have been working hard on my issues but I?m still battling. I?ve started seeing a counselor but things have not changed overnight. I have changed my anti-depressants. I am working towards a better me. But, I have been on this site for over a year and still have issues. Does that mean that I don?t belong here? Then where do I belong? Maybe I don?t belong anywhere.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

don;t you dare say that....you belong here along with me and many others that are struggling

[Guest]

Nora's journey

I don't think that was what has been meant at all. Heck we all struggled at some point, helping others keeps this site going.

[Panno]

Nora's journey

Nora please don't feel like that I've been here 6 months and still not gone 10 days. I will not be leaving there is so much to be here. I have read so many times from long term abstainers take what you need and leave the rest .....

[pompeyman]

Nora's journey

rubywillow I am so sorry about your sister/brother s partner s death this is an awful disease