Nora's journey

[Guitarista]

Nora's journey

CarlDen;948904 wrote: A singer in a smoky room
Smell of wine and cheap perfume..

Now Carl, i'm a patient man, but this time you've gone too far.
Please don't speak about Sunny like that. I don't appreciate it, and i'm sure she doesn't. Look, she may've smelt that way once upon a time, but people can change you know, even you can change Carl. No need to drag up her past here okay? Okay.

[startingover]

Nora's journey

Guitarista;948929 wrote: Now Carl, i'm a patient man, but this time you've gone too far.
Please don't speak about Sunny like that. I don't appreciate it, and i'm sure she doesn't. Look, she may've smelt that way once upon a time, but people can change you know, even you can change Carl. No need to drag up her past here okay? Okay.

:H:H:H

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Funny!!

Yes - I have been thinking about Bac a lot actually. Don't know how to go about getting it. Did you get your Doctor to prescribe it?

[Sunnyvalenting]

Nora's journey

Yes, I got my doc to prescribe it. It has worked wonderfully
There must be someone in Southern Ca. who can help you get it. It isn't even that expensive in the generic form at Target pharmacy it costs me less than $30/month. Good luck
Sunny

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

9-1-10

Tired......but wanted to make a quick post for myself. The Topamax is really kicking in. I'm so happy. I am having some side effects and I need to concentrate on drinking more water. But, I am doing well on the 200 mg. Didn't drink at all today even though there was alcohol here.
My Uncle is still hanging in there. Very serious condition. Blood infection and he's had a mild heart attack. They are more concerned about this blood infection than anything else at this point.

Going to bed and glad that I'm going to bed AF.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Bravo Nora!!!!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

9-12-10

Well, I have found an AA meeting that I am very seriously thinking about attending tomorrow night. I even mapped out the directions. Wow ? never thought I would be saying that. I?m scared. I?m not the type of person to just go somewhere by myself. But, maybe I need to do this. Or I have to do this!
I haven?t been really binging. But, I just want to be in a different place. I don?t know how to explain it. I have stopped taking my afternoon dose of Topamax again. I don?t want to do that. I want to take that. I want to use the L-Glutamine and other things. I want to use the resources available to me. I want to lean on my husband. I want to call on my friend. I want to use MWO. I have been avoiding MWO. I don?t want to come here and post again all my drama & failure.
Well?that is me. Maybe I don?t belong here because I can?t get my act together. The truth is?..I need to take my 200 mg of Topamax and I will do much better with my alcohol consumption. The truth is?.for some reason I am avoiding taking the second pill.
I have been trying to figure out why I do that. I don?t know why. I am seeing a counselor and trying to figure out my issues. But?.I cannot continue to stop taking my Topamax. I know that it works for me. Why do I stop swallowing that pill?
It?s so easy to just try to blame it all on the stress that I?m dealing with. But that is ridiculous. That has nothing to do with this. I know that. I am going to have a lot of stress in my life. That is not going to change. PERIOD. That is not going to change. So, I am either going to be on my exercise bike tomorrow or I?m going to be at an AA meeting. I think I need the AA meeting. My hubby is out of town. My son will be at work. No one will know where I am. I think I need to do this. I am scared out of my mind. I really am.
Wow ? I so wish that I had someone with me right now. I know that people understand but I am scared. Boy??.I start typing and just don?t stop??huh? Ok?.the meeting is tomorrow night right at my bad time. So I?ve got the address in phone. I hope to work late & head to the meeting.
Never thought that would be an option with me. Wow!

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

Oh Nora, great to see you around, I was thinking of you. Please please don't think you can't come here when you are struggling - that's what this place is all about. It's not for folks to blow their own trumpet 'oh amn't I brilliant ????Days sober' or for folks who just really don't care whether they drink or not and just sort of go 'oops a slip', it's EXACTLY for where you are at the moment. It's not drama and failure, it's called real life and everyone here knows how you feel - I certainly do its like a round and round and round black hole place with no way out. There is a way Nora, maybe AA is it. Yes of course you are scared - so would I be, but you are brave even finding out about it. I wish to god that I could go with you to the meeting - for myself as well as you, but unfortunately we are a long way apart. Please come back posting - anyhows this is your own thread - anyone doesn't want to read they don't have to!!!
Dear Nora, you've been my cyber friend since you joined, please don't distance yourself, we all have our awful times, use this place as a venting place, a sounding board, a distraction, whatever you need it to be
Love and hugs
Molly:l:l:l

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Nora...look at AA as an adventure and a palce to make new friends...don't be afraid of it sweetie....
and dont stop posting here..this is not a race or a competition....I am not AF and I have ben coming here since February......but I have learned alot about addiction and how it affects you...haven't you???
plus....so many care about you.....

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks Molly & Jan - I'm still feeling great resolve today. I've been thinking a lot this past week. I have been looking for the 'magic answer' to make this better. Well....that's not what this is about. Thinking about taking Bac or Antabuse or whatever. That's not what this is about. This is about ME. This is my life and I need to figure it out or I am going to die. So, I've been thinking a lot. I guess that is why I haven't been posting. I've just been thinking.
Anyway, I will continue with the Topamax. That is a tool that is helping me. I will start using the L-Glutamine again. Another tool that really, really helped. I stopped using the tools that were helping me. I deliberately stopped using them. Why did i sabotage myself? That is something that I am really questioning. I deliberately stopped using them even though they were helping me.
I have been writing up my list to get me thru the day. I guess I should post it here. I am putting it in my phone to carry with me. I am making simple, little changes. But they are positive changes.
Anyway, thank you for your support. I am just tired of coming here over & over again with the same old song and dance. This time......I am starting fresh. No, it's not going to be easy. And, I'm not saying that there are not going to be bumps. But, I am making a different plan of attack.
Ok - enough already. I can talk until I'm blue in the face. The truth is......I need to DO IT!!!! I AM GOING TO DO IT!!!!!!!!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

9-16-10

Well....where do I begin. So much to say. Ok - think I'll skip the whole car drama. Got sonny his car. Great.
Now on to me. :
I went to the Doctor with my husband today for his appointment. After they got done talking about him. I am also a patient of hers....I asked her that if I made an appointment would she be able to prescribe me Antabuse? We talked for quite a while. She asked my my reasons for wanting it and why the Topamax wasn't working. I just explained to her that I wanted to take the thought of a drink out of the equation. That once I swallowed that pill, I could not drink. I am seeing a counselor. I have signed up for some online classes. I am trying to change my behaviors. I wanted to do this for me. She agreed and wrote me prescription.
Anyway, in my last post, I said that this wasn't about a magic pill. I still firmly believe that. This is not about a magic pill. This is about a lifestyle change that I need to make. But, as I have been thinking about it more and more....I realized that I do need some type of magic. Somehow, I need to get the drama of 'Will I or won't I" out of my head. I have thought long and hard about this. The only answer that I could come up with is Antabuse. There will be no more game. Once I swallow that first pill, there is no more question. No more drama played out in my head. Oh no...if I drink, Scott will be mad. How will I hide the bottles. I can sneak it in, but then I'll have to sneak it out. On & on & on. It will help me as I struggle making lifestyle changes because they won't be clouded up by drinking.
So, I still firmly believe that this is about ME. I still have to have a PLAN. But, I think that now, I will be able to form a clearer plan. Of course, I still haven't swallowed that first pill yet. My Doctor recommended that I taper off the Topamax a little bit and then start the Antabuse. That might not be necessary. I'm going to talk to the pharmacist. My Doctor also recommended that I see a Psychologist. :upset: Because of being able to dispense medication. I am so happy with my Therapist - I do not want to change. I am going to talk to my Therapist about that when I see her and find out what we can do about that. I do not want to change.
Anyway, I think that this is pretty positive. I just have to make sure that my insurance covers it and if not that I can afford it. Must be cheaper an alcohol no matter what. Right?

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

9-22-10

I took my first Antabuse today!! I swallowed that pill - scared out of my mind.....and sat and waited for something horrible to happen. But, I'm still here. I felt a little tired and a little dizzy at various times today. I have had some itchiness. But, I think that could be in my head. No rash or anything. I am just so HAPPY!! I am seriously HAPPY!! I know that this does not take all my problems away. I still need to learn how to deal with life without running to alcohol. But, by swallowing that pill, I have freed my brain for 2 weeks from playing the game each and every day of 'Am I going to drink today? I don't want to drink today. I want to drink today! I shouldn't drink today! It's bad if I drink today! But, I want to drink!'. That whole game did not have to get played out in my head today. It was wonderful. It was absolutely wonderful.
I realize that I have so much to work thru. Things to learn. Will have to make plans and change my lifestyle. But, now I feel like I can do it. I can make changes now. I am seeing my Therapist and she said that I need to understand that these small changes are good changes. That everything is not going to be better overnight. But, the fact that I am opening up and communicating is very good. Now, I feel like there is hope.
I have been worried because Antabuse is so hard on the liver. As if drinking huge amounts of alcohol is not. But, I think I can take half a pill every other day and that will keep the Antabuse in my system constantly. I know that I will NOT attempt to drink with Antabuse in my system. I am terrified of doing that. So, I would have to be completely off the pills for at least 2-3 weeks before I would even think about alcohol again. So, that is a good thing for me.
I see the Psychiatrist at the end of October and he will take over the handling of the meds. Then I will know more and feel more comfortable. Right now, my regular Doctor gave them to me because she knows me so well and understands how much I want to be alcohol free. But she is not knowledgeable about them. That is why she wanted me to go see the Psychiatrist. He will monitor my meds and I will still my Therapist that I am comfortable with for the counseling sessions.
I finally feel like there is hope again. I am going to beat this. I AM GOING TO BEAT THIS!!!!:h

[Mish]

Nora's journey

Soarer Nora

:angelgirl:

Nora, you are really encouraging me. I've just read through your link and you're awesome. I want to start journaling my journey, too.
:h
Mish

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Mish - You are so sweet! Thanks. It does help to write this stuff out.......to just pour it out and let it all out. The good, the bad and the ugly.

[Mish]

Nora's journey

Plenty of each of those, Nora...sleep tight. XXXX