Nora's journey

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Hi Mama, K9 and Overit.....I love it! It is so great to have the game stop playing in my head! That is what I needed. Absolutely. I can't lie and say that the occasional thought hasn't crossed my mind. But, I can't drink so it doesn't stay in my mind. I haven't had any trouble at all.
I'm only taking 1/2 a pill every other day. That's what I've been taking since the beginning. That works for me. I know that it's in my system and I know that I can't drink.
I have to thank you K9 and OverIt for all the support. You gave me the courage to ask my Doctor for the prescription and I'm so glad that I did.

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora!
I am SO glad the Antabuse is working for you! Don't worry about the occasional thought, I still have those too, and probably always will! But a thought never did any harm, so just brush it away and move on. I'm very proud of you for talking to your doctor and getting the prescription, that is never easy, but aren't you so glad you did?!
Alright Mama, you're next! We can't wait to see how it goes for you...Monday right? :h

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

i fink so

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-1-10

Well, guess I'm going to go to bed now. Sonny just got home. I yelled out how you doing and he said I've been better. He just got off work and I'm sure he's exhausted from partying all week. So, we'll see when he gets out of the shower what's going on.
Jan - I know you're right about him and his age and all. Our nephew was in a fraternity and went thru the same thing. Is happily married now with three kids. Things change. It's just hard sometimes watching what is going on. Sigh....

Well................worse than I thought. He got a DUI last night and spent the night in jail. We talked a long time. He finally talked about his depression and when he drinks and blacks out he's not depressed anymore. I'm going to look into therapy for him. This is going to be a long, hard road now. I don't even know where to begin now. I guess we have to get a lawyer. I don't know. I told him at least he isn't hurt and he didn't hurt anyone else. That is all that is important. We will get thru this. Thank God he didn't hurt anyone. He is just so upset that he disappointed us. All I care about is that is he safe.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-3-10

Almost asleep but realized I didn't post yesterday and thought I better make an effort today.

Luckily I did have an appointment with my Therapist yesterday already set up so it helped to be able to talk to her about it. Didn't make anything better but at least I was able to talk. I told her flat out that I'm very grateful that I'm on the Antabuse because I thought I might have just started drinking. As much as I wouldn't have wanted to because I don't want sonny to see the alcohol as an escape. I probably would have used it. I KNOW I would have used it. So, I am so happy that I am taking Antabuse.
Yes - I know that I have to find my own strengths to deal with things. I'm not stupid. I know that. But, at this time, I am going to use this crutch to help me. I am definitely improving in other areas so I know that I will improve on the drinking area also. But, I am not going to change everything overnight.

Sonny & I went to Disneyland this afternoon. We only stayed a couple of hours. We didn't realize that there was a special day and that the park was going to be packed. So, we weren't able to see the show we wanted to see. We will go back next Sunday to see it. Then maybe Hubby will be feeling better and be able to join us. It was nice to spend time with my son though. We talked a little bit about the DUI and what he is going to have to do. His court case is 12-30-10. I told him that he is going to have to be proactive and already have been attending AA meetings and the alcohol education classes before he even goes to court. I will talk to my friend from work who has a brother going thru this and try to get some information and we will go from there.

I am worried about his depression. I will be keeping my eye on him. I am hoping that maybe not drinking will help him in that regard so that he will admit that he needs to talk to someone.

I love him with all my heart. I knew deep down in my heart/intuition whatever that something was going to happen. I am Thanking God that he was just arrested. This is awful but in the grand scheme of things....this is nothing. This might be what he needed. I know that I have talked to him on numerous occasions and just told him straight out about how serious it was. Talked to him about my drinking. Talked to him about his drinking. Talked to him about how much it hurts me when I don't know where he is. He was always sorry. Always listened. But, this time........this time it was real.

We will get thru this because that is what you do in life. You put one step before the other and you just keep on keeping on. I am trying very hard not to put on my protective gear and stifle my feelings. That is one of the issues that I have been working on. But, I haven't even been able to cry about this yet. I had to bury it all and be the tough, strong Mom for him when he was so upset. I put my arms around him and he cried. He cried for disappointing me.

Tomorrow is a new day.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Nora...I am so proud of how you are dealing with this. You are an amazing mom.....my mom would have been yelling and screaming and making it much worse. SHE has zero tolerance for flaws or weakness.
You are right...in the hyge scheme of life this is nothing, but maybe it was necessary to scare the bejesus out of him. Are you going to put him on meds for depression.....just a thought.
If he has his own car, perhaps you should take it from him fora week or so and let him find out how horrible it is to be without one. Make him use public transportation....tough love.....
And please, cry, howl and scream baby....you will feel so much better

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-4-10

Just thought I better post. Don't really have anything to say but I can feel the depression dragging at me so I need to be careful. I am fighting it. At least I recognize it for what it is. I just have to fight against it. It will pass.

I have decided to hire a lawyer. I want to make sure that everything is done correctly. That Casey is getting the best advise that he he can get. That we have someone telling us exactly what he needs to be doing. It might be stupid of me to spend the money but I have made my decision and that is that. I talked to the lawyer and it is $2500.00. The hard thing was calling up my parents and asking to borrow the money and then having to tell them why. That is when I finally broke down and started sobbing. My Dad got mad at first. Until I told him that we all have done it at one time or another. That I know that he has done it and that I have done it and that we were just lucky that we weren't caught or hurt anyone. I think me saying that really shocked him. My Dad was an alcoholic for many years. About 13 years ago, he got very sick. He got a liver infection that they were never able to tell from what. It was not from drinking amazingly. They had to remove part of his liver and he almost died. We were sure we were going to lose him. He spent weeks in ICU in a special hospital. So, when I made that comment about we all have done it at one time or another, I'm sure he flashed back to times when he drove when he should never have been behind the wheel. He called me back later to tell me that he had gone to the bank and had the check. And for me not to worry. That Casey would pay him back one day when he had a job. That if he had learned his lesson that is what is important. I think actually it was hard because they adore Casey and it was just hard to hear. But it is all fine. They are happy to help. I am going to the lawyer's office tomorrow to get things started.

Well......I guess that's it. I am going to try very hard to keep my journal up in the next few days. If I start to get depressed, I think it's important that I document it.

I was thinking quite a bit about drinking today. I haven't reached the point of counting how many days until the antabuse would be out of my system. So, that is a good thing. So, I will just continue to take my pill every other day. Keep it up as a routine. It would be nice if I didn't have to lean on that as a crutch but right now I am very grateful that I have the Antabuse as a crutch. It is getting me through this and I am taking it anyway I can.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Bravo Nora.....you are blessed to have loving parents...and keep talking...that helps with depression...trust me...i know. Plus you are worried about Casey.
hugs and strength

[fennel]

Nora's journey

Hang in there, Nora. :h

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-5-10

Very tired so going to make this short. Thank you friends for your support. I really does mean so much to me to come here and have your support. It really does.
We went to the lawyer's office today and made a deposit. I didn't have enough until I get the money I'm borrowing but they let me make a deposit to get things started.
Because Casey's BAC was so high, it is a good thing that we have a lawyer. We spoke with the paralegal today and she recommends that he start AA immediately. Since it was that high, the DA is going to assume that he has built up a tolerance and has done it before. Going to have to show the DA and judge that he realizes that he was wrong and is making positive changes in his life.
He also needs to write an autobiography of his life. Stating positive things that the lawyer can use in his favor. Graduated with honors. Charity work. Leadership school. etc.
I am glad that we decided to get a lawyer. Casey is glad too. This probably won't be resolved until March sometime. So, he has time to start attending classes and show that he realizes he made a mistake.
I told him that I would go to AA with him. Anyway, one day at a time. In the mail today, there were about 17 come ons from lawyers. So, obviously it was published somewhere that he was arrested. I don't know where but his name is out there somewhere.
Like I said - we will get thru this. In the grand scheme of things, this nothing. I need to keep reminding myself of that. And, I need to keep reminding Casey that he will get thru this and come out on the other side a better person.

[fluff]

Nora's journey

So sorry you are going through all this, Nora- you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders about all this and are thinking positive- and you are right -you all will get through this -it's just a matter of time-
All the best,
Fluff

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora, just reading back and my heart goes out to you. I'm not condoning drink driving - of course not, but (paraphrasing) 'let him without sin throw the first stone'!
My doc actually told me that being caught drunk driving has cause heaps of folk to give up drinking, sort of a last straw thing. This is not the end of the world, you're right, and hopefully it might give Casey a bit of a kick up the rear end ( I mean that in the nicest possible way) and deal with his drinking.
Keep taking the Antabuse Nora. Who cares what crutches we use, if it works its brilliant! You'll need it now for the next while.
Thinking of you
Molly

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

I just my first antabuse Nora!!!!
so we are in this together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[fennel]

Nora's journey

You are such a good mom, Nora! I'm thinking of both you and Casey...:l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-8-10

I guess it's time for me to ramble again. I have been sinking into depression and fighting it so I am going to talk it out to myself........
Things are ok.
My Dad sent me the money and I was able to pay the lawyer.
Casey attended his first AA meeting.
We have been talking a lot.
Trying to spend time together as a family.
His DMV Hearing is November 8th and then his License will be taken away for a month and then he has to apply for an alcohol class/a special insurance form/pay a re-issue fee and then he can apply for a restricted license to drive to school & work.

I went to the Dr today. Everything was ok on my ultrasound. Don't know why I'm having this pain. It's better than it was. If it continues on, I'll have to have more tests. She recommended a colonoscopy but my co-payment for that is approx. $400.00. So, I told her that I would wait a bit on it.

So - everything is fine. I just need to let myself relax. The not knowing is hard. But, this is the way it is going to be. This is going to be a long road ahead of him and he has to do this one on his own. I can't do it for him. He stopped by his friends house today when he didn't have to go to work. I got sick to my stomach. I can not lock him in his room and throw away the key. But, I seriously got sick to my stomach. Was he going to have a drink. Of course, he didn't. I talked to him again tonight. I asked him if he thought about drinking. He hasn't had anything for a week. He said no - he doesn't want any. But, he will be around friends eventually. And he will be in the midst of it. And the thought of it just kills me. I guess I'm going to have to sit and talk to him again so I can get this feeling off of me. I still regret not calling him that night that this happened and telling him not to drink and drive. Not that it would have changed a thing.......but, just because it had been in my mind.

The Antabuse is still doing well. Today was the first day that I really, really wished that I wasn't taking it. I wanted to drink! I was so wound up that I finally took a Lorazepam to calm down. If I examine what is really going on - which I need to, to help learn how to cope, I was just stressed out.....
We have been bombarded on a daily basis with tons of mail from lawyers addressed to Casey. I have been stressing about the money getting here and paying the lawyer. I was stressing about getting off work, running home, getting the check, putting it in the bank, rushing to the lawyers office, making the payment, rushing back to work. Finishing my day at work and then going to the Doctor.
I am still getting bills from the other incident from when he passed out on the sidewalk and was taken to the hospital. I am dealing with all of those.
My husband tells me to relax. I am trying to relax. I am trying to take care of everything. I am trying to relax. And I'm doing it sober. So, today was a hard day. But, I'm very happy that I'm not drinking. And I will continue with my Antabuse.

Enough of my rambling to myself now. None of this makes sense but at least I tried to get it out instead of holding it all in. I should have tried to talk to Scott about it but today just wasn't the day. He's not feeling well and we just couldn't seem to talk to each other. One of those days - where it seemed like everything he said rubbed me the wrong way. I know I need to learn to talk to him. I am getting better. It's hard. I just want to be able to tell him that I'm scared. That's all. I don't want it fixed. I don't want anything but to be held. I have got to try to open up. He is being receptive to things. If I try to explain to him, he would probably understand. I think I am underestimating him.

Time for bed..........a good nights sleep. A fun day at Disneyland tomorrow and things will look so much better.