Nora's journey

[Mish]

Nora's journey

Too right, Nora!
We all do what we have to ODAT, so I've given up worrying about whether I'll get Bac if the Nal doesn't work etc etc...sufficient each day for its own evil.
Take care, eh. You're very precious.
:h

[sapphire1]

Nora's journey

NoraC;992803 wrote: I guess things are not that bad.......
Casey just left for a Halloween party. I told him congratulations on being a month AF. He said thanks but it's only been 4 weeks. It will officially be 30 days on the 1st. That's when he can go to the AA meeting and get his coin. I told him how proud I am of him. He said he's proud of me too.
I guess I'll stop playing the little head games about stopping the antabuse now. Fennel is right. Who cares what the Psychiatrist thinks about the Antabuse? This is for me.

I have little faith in the psychiatric fraternity these days Nora. For eight years they had my son in a chemical straight-jacket (schizophrenia), and kept increasing his meds until he was a walking zombie. I took matters into my own hands and researched 'Orthomolucular Medicine" pioneered by Dr. Abram Hoffer, LInus Pauling and Pfeiffer. I weaned him off the toxic meds and got him onto the mega vitamin regime as per These amazing Drs. works. In 18months he became symptom free and very very well...no more psychoses and he has his life back. I am currently reading Dr. Hofffers book on vitamen therapy and alcoholism, am taking the supps as recommended by him and I havent looked bakc...3 months sober and feeling better mentally and emotionally than I have in about 30 years. Keep doing what you are doing, you know yourself much better than any shrink will ever know.....

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-31-10

Thank you so much for your support everyone.
Finally took my antabuse today. Skipped it for a couple of days. I only take it every other day so I guess I skipped it once. Got back on track today thanks to my friends here. I obviously am not ready to stop taking it now. I had stopped it with the the thought of counting how many days until I can drink again. That is not the way I want to do this. I seriously don't know if I plan to be AF for the rest of my life. But, if I am going to think of alcohol like that, then I am going to have to consider staying AF. A 'normal' person would not think about when they are having their next drink. If I can't reach that point, then I need to stay away from it. So, back to the antabuse today. No matter what the Psych said, I think antabuse is the answer for me. I don't think it is negative reinforcement. I consider antabuse as a positive tool. It is helping me do what I want to do - and that is to stop abusing alcohol. I really think that he was offbase with that. He is thinking of it as a negative: 'I'm not going to drink because I will get sick'. I think of it as a positive: 'I'm not going to drink because I don't want to drink and this pill helps me reinforce that thinking before I do something rash'. Even if that sounds stupid to other people, it is positive in my brain and that is what is important right now.
Casey went out on Friday and Saturday. When I talked to him today and asked him if he had fun last night, he said not as fun as everyone else. He meant that because he wasn't drinking like them. But, he didn't sound upset about it. Just learning how to get thru. We talked about how AA is for him. He said that he likes certain aspects of it. He seemed glad that he is hearing about other people and realizing things about himself. He did say that he realized that the only reason he drank was to drink too much. Get drunk. Yes - he's like me in that regard. So, he is definitely learning things about himself. We are going to try to go to a meeting together on Friday. I'm looking at that statement I just typed: 'he's like me in that regard'. That is my problem right there. I am able to go out & have a drink. But, too many times, it turns into that mindset.
Amazing how much I'm learning about myself on this journey. Some things aren't easy but I think it's important. I realize that I am carrying a lot of guilt. WOW! I just remembered that was one thing that the Psych said. That AA would be good so that I can get rid of the guilt. Boy, just sitting here typing like this and look what comes out. Yes - I do need to get rid of the guilt. Not just guilt about drinking but guilt about things I have done in my life. I can't go back & change them. I need to let it go. They are in the past. Time to live now.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Nora....what a great post. You have to let go of guilt and focus on all the good things you have done in your life. I have so much to be ashamed of and if I focused on it I would a complete emotional cripple.
I am so proud of your progress and Casey sounds really strong right now. PM me if you ever wanna talk.
Love you my antabuse sister.
mama jan

[Topsy-Turvy-Tracy]

Nora's journey

Nora, I think that we are all limited by our life experience. The entire medical community and the legal system has been brainwashed over the last 50 years or so regarding AA, but they are starting to come out of it now.

I want to quit smoking because cigs are going to kill me. That's not negative reinforcement, it's reality. I want to quit drinking because I want to be whole and well, which means I don't want to be broken and sick. I'm not seeing "negative" reinforcement in any of that.

Regarding guilt, if you commit a crime and go to court, you get judged only one time. In our own heads, we judge ourselves over and over and over and over again. It's not fair. We wouldn't treat other people that way! But for many of us, it's our default setting. Very unhealthy and hard to let go of. I'm glad that you are giving yourself a break. You deserve it! And you too, Mama Bear.

**edited to add: I'm not knocking AA, just the irrational reliance on it by the medical community and courts. I'm happy that it's there for people who can use it.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

11-1-10

Oh Jan & Tracy - thank you so much for your posts! :h
You both hit the nail on the head with the 'guilt'.
Thank you for this Tracy:

Regarding guilt, if you commit a crime and go to court, you get judged only one time. In our own heads, we judge ourselves over and over and over and over again. It's not fair. We wouldn't treat other people that way! But for many of us, it's our default setting. Very unhealthy and hard to let go of.

I think that I am really getting down to some deep issues for me. I have done things that I am ashamed of. So, I think that I have been using alcohol to cover up those feelings of guilt. These things are in the past. Long gone & I have changed. I didn't kill anyone - but I am treating myself as if I am a horrible person. So, I am judging myself over & over & over. I think that it is so deep seeded that I didn't even realize that I was doing that. I am not consciously remembering or thinking about those things. But, I think that I am trying to bury it. Yes - it is time for me to move on. Let myself be free from that now. I hope that I can. I'm not used to forgiving myself. But, I am going to try.......

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

no offense...i swear....but are you Catholic:H:H
I have always heard they are ridden with guilt. I can track down a cat 'o nine tails if it will help:H:H

[rubywillow]

Nora's journey

Or Jewish?? Haven't they cornered the market? No, mothers are in the running. 'One day I'll be dead and you'll be sorry!!'
Nora, you're showing yourself and others how this can help. Love you!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

You guys are funny! No - I'm not Catholic or Jewish. I'm nothing actually - just spiritual with no specific religion. So - there! Maybe that is my problem. :H:H:H

[Mish]

Nora's journey

Nora, I just love reading your thread...it really is a journey of self-discovery, isn't it? Guilt is useful in that it reinforces that we have gone against our value system, but continuing to carry guilt endlessley is counter-productive and can keep us 'stuck.' I had to learn to forgive myself for the things I have done for which I am very ashamed, in order to move forward...and once you get up some momentum, you'll charge ahead. :h

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

11-5-10

So much conflict on this site. I hate it. I have let that other thread bother me too much. I realized that it is making me curl up and crawl back into my little shell. I shouldn't let that happen. I should have stayed away from it. I realized last night when I couldn't sleep that I am letting this drama get to me. Nightmares all night.
The thing is that I understand both sides. I just don't do well with the harshness. Obviously....that is why this has gotten under my skin. I felt myself pulling away....planning on not coming on here very much.....doing this battle against alcohol all alone. That is what I was thinking last night. But the truth is that I have been fighting this battle a long time. I am finally able to have some AF days. I am happy about that. What got me to this point is all the help that I have received here. A lot of the time it was a gentle, ok you screwed up but how are you going to fix this. But, I've also had the heavier knock in the head - Stop screwing up and get your ass in gear. It depended on what I was able to take at the time. Luckily the people that helped me realized where I was at the time and used the appropriate words. That is what got me to this over 6 weeks AF.
So, I am just going to continue. One day at a time. That is all I can do. I am going to try to avoid the drama. That is not healthy for me. And, what I am learning right now is that I need to do what is healthy for me. Reading people throwing jabs at each other is not what I need. I regret posting on the other thread.
Life isn't easy sometimes. So, I'm going to try to be a nice person, help other people as I can and continue on this journey.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Nora...I completely understand where u r coming from. I am scared to post any screw ups now, and that is a damn shame. But you us and we need you so please dont leave us. You are a member of our family now and I for one, would miss you terribly. I said what I said on the other thread and I am done with that mess. Let's move toward happier, sober places together....

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

11-7-10

I had a great time yesterday and last night. I really had a wonderful time! I am reading a wonderful book. Yes - I AM READING A BOOK! That might not sound like much but to me it is a huge deal. I love to read and for the past year or more, I have not been able to quiet my brain to sit down and read. But, yesterday, I picked up a book (Thank you Grateful for sending me that book) and I was able to sit and read. I lost myself in the book. Oh that has made me so happy. I also started working on a jigsaw puzzle. I also sat and played a Wii game with my son. I did all these things. Oh my goodness......I am so thrilled. I am gaining my life back. I am finding myself.
So, I am putting down this computer right now and I am going to go back to my book. I also might play a little Mario on the Wii or I'll work on my puzzle. I don't have to do so many things at once today. I can stop and do one thing. I was able to be on the computer so much because I could watch TV at the same time or flip from web site to web site or while I was looking at the computer, I could do something else. This evening, I can relax and lay down & read. What a fantastic feeling.

[techie]

Nora's journey

you sound wonderful. have a great night...john xx

[Mish]

Nora's journey

:sendinglove:
Oh Nora, you sound really happy and together today. I'm so happy for you. I'm not really able to settle at the moment and read, but I'm looking forward to it when I can. I've always found jigsaw puzzles very annoying. I've had no patience with them, which is probably the ADHD, but I'm actually considering getting one and giving it a go. Enjoy your book...:h