Nora's journey

[one2many]

Nora's journey

Good on ya Nora for looking for things that work hon! Best of luck with the Campral!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks so much for the link JC and the support as always. Thank you Oney for the support too.
I think I am going to have to wait and start the Campral on the weekend when I don't have to do anything. It makes me feel weird. Can't quite explain it, but sitting here at work trying to think and not being able to function is not a good thing. I felt that way this morning but thought it was my imagination. So, I took the afternoon dose. Affected me exactly the same. I don't think it will be bad after I've had a couple days of taking it. But, it's making it really hard right now to function. I was looking at a recent post and somebody said that they felt like that too. I'll try to find the post again and see how long it lasted. Well - going to try to get back to work now. I hope I don't have to do anything important.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

that's what topa did to me....
hugs sugar

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-6-11

It was brought to my attention today that I haven't been writing in my journal. (Thanks Mish) She is right. I need to keep up with my feelings/thoughts here. It does help me. Things are going pretty well right now. On the antabuse. I still am thinking about trying Campral and if that does work then to try Baclofen. Actually, when I'm on the antabuse, I'm fine. I don't drink because I know I can't. Period. End of subject. I don't know why the Psychiatrist sees that as a negative reinforcement. He said that I don't drink on it because I don't want to get sick. So, that's negative. The truth is that I don't drink on it because it is not an option. I guess it's just the difference in words. But, to me, it's not a negative. Oh well.
I don't actually have cravings. So, that's why I don't know that the Campral or Bac is what I need. I take that back. Of course, I do have some cravings. But, it's not overwhelming. But, as soon as I get stressed or upset, I absolutely do get cravings. That is my coping mechanism. I guess that is why they are pushing AA so much. I need to find another outlet. I have circled some places in my little book and will start checking them out in the next few days.
Things are going pretty well here at home. Spending family time together with Scott & Casey. Very important and we all have enjoyed it. I know that Casey is getting a little stir crazy. Not being able to drive and just get out. But, he's handling it well and is making an effort to join in on the activities. We are going to go to the movies tomorrow night. That will be fun.
We really enjoyed having my niece and kids here but it is nice to be back to somewhat normal. Things were just so hectic. It was hard. We miss the kids already though.
My other nephew has made it to Afghanistan. He is going to be deployed for 6 months. We are very worried about him, of course. His wife & kids are doing ok. Very hard but they are doing ok.
I just checked back on a couple of my last posts. They all go on about the AA meetings and how I don't want to go. I think it is time for me to just go ahead & attend a few and stop bellyaching about it. I will give it a fair shot and then go from there.
I am going to try to keep posting more in my journal. It helps to have this to refer back to. I've been a little glum today but nothing is wrong. Just a normal day of having the blahs. So, it is good that I can recognize it for what it is. Not a bad day but not the best either. And, I'm ok with that.
I have several projects that I want to get started on. So, I'm hoping that I can get some started this weekend. But, that will have to wait until after our movie date. :H

[Kimberley]

Nora's journey

Hya Nora,

Yeah it's good for you to keep writing in your journal - mainly for selfish reasons: ie. I like to see how you're getting on! The way that you drink seems to be very similar to me these days. I don't get 'cravings' as such either - everyone's always amazed that I can go to the pub with my mates and not be tempted to drink. But that's just not the issue for me. It's moments of distress that do it to me every time.

No more though - because from AA I already have 4 numbers (in only 2 meetings) that I can call if things get rough. It would feel very weird to do that, but actually these people give you their numbers because they KNOW how hard it is and really mean it when they say to call them at any time. I don't know if I'd be confident enough to do that - though I might text or something.

But even then, if I don't feel strong enough to actually do that, I don't even have to actively ask for help. I can just find a meeting near me and go there instead. (Lucky for me living in London there are 800 meetings a week all over the capital at all times of day - even 6am!).

I think it's great that you are considering AA - although I've only been to 2 meetings I already feel this is REALLY something that could work - it all makes sense. And I was SOOO anti-AA! Guess I was just a bit ignorant about it. I wish that docs and psychs wouldn't just say "Go to AA" - it really does nothing to sell it to you or explain what its REALLY all about.

Anyway if you do decide to go, I would either phone the helpline to get someone to meet you or when you get there, sidle up to the tea and coffee table, explain to the person there that its your first (proper) meeting and that you're nervous. You'll probably find they'll offer for you to sit with them or whatever. That's going to be my tactic today as it will be my first meeting entirely on my own (gah!) Yesterday I was meeting my hand-holder at a meeting in the city but I arrived before her so I did exactly that and the lady at the tea counter took me under her wing until my friend arrived. These people are sooo nice!

If you want to find out about my second meeting (got my first AA chip - 24 hours but you gotta start somewhere) check out the weekly AA thread where I'll be posting my AA experiences.

Anyway catch you later and hope your 'blahs' pass soon!
Big hugs,
K x

[Mish]

Nora's journey

Nora, it's great to see you journaling again. It's very cathartic, help syou get your thoughts straight and gives you something to look back on. When I look back at my earlier posts I appreciate how far I've come in a relatively short time and it gives me a lift. My main worry at the moment is that my posts are so enthusiastic and happy that I'm getting boring. However, having recorded these feelings means they're there for me in times of trouble and I can look back and check into my present positivity, if such a word exists.
Casey is handling taking responsibility for his actions very well and is to be commended.
Lots of hugs.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-7-11

Thanks everyone. Well.....I went to another AA meeting tonight and it wasn't awful!!!!! After the first hour, I didn't feel so awkward. The people were nice and I plan to attend again. They were welcoming. I honestly don't know that I'll continue going long term. But, I am going to attend a few of these. The same group has a meeting tomorrow & Sunday. There is also a Women's Only meeting on Monday that I want to attend. It was amazing to hear some of these people talk and how it hit home to me. I was asked to speak and I declined. I just couldn't bring myself to get up & speak in front of a group of people. So, we'll see how that part of it goes. But, I am happy that I went. Simply because I went out & did it. Stopped fretting about it and did it.

Mish - Great to hear upbeat & happy posts! Gives me hope. :l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-8-11

I'm having a GOOD day today. I saw my therapist. She was happy that I tried AA. We talked about the antabuse and I told her that the Psychiatrist doesn't think it's a positive reinforcement. She talked about how I needed to learn these coping skills for myself instead of relying on something else (medication). I told her that I understand that - but for now, I know that I am not ready. And, I am using this to help me get to the place where I am ready. She agreed. She said that if I need it now, then I should certainly continue it.
I told her about how I'm trying to get out & do things. I told her about Tigger and that we have been taking him places. She thought it was great. Then she told me that she can see an improvement in me. That when I first started seeing her, I told her that I didn't even want to go to Disneyland even though I have a pass. She is right. I am up and doing things now. I am better. We are even heading out to the movies in a few minutes.
Anyway, it was a positive session today. We talked quite a bit about AA. She said that she knows that I have this online group and that is great for me. But, she said that I also need a place during the week to actually be among people. I don't know - but I told her that I would give it a try. Since I found a meeting that I didn't hate, then I can do that.
Well - have to get ready for the movies. But, I wanted to jot this down so that I would remember. Because I know that I'm not going to want to go to the meeting tomorrow or Monday night. So, I'm writing this down so I can see it in black & white. It wasn't awful and it might be helpful.

[chartreuse_lily]

Nora's journey

What a great idea keeping a journal like this is. I may start one of my own....

It's great you're able to talk to your therapist about your struggle with alcohol. When I was in therapy last year I deliberately omitted all that because I was afraid that if I mentioned it they'd send me to the local Chemical Dependencies Clinic where I used to work as a secretary from 1998-2003 (long before I became an alcoholic). I probably did myself a disservice by not addressing such a major issue when I had the chance. Right now I'm looking around for a new therapist and I'm going to try to be more open about my alcoholism.

It's also great that you're giving AA a try. It's not for me (at least not right now) but if it helps you that's wonderful.

[betty boop]

Nora's journey

Nora Sweetie, I am so glad to see you posting again on this thread ........

AA was the best thing that I ever did, meeting people face to face ............

Keep it up, I am rooting for you ...

Love & Hugs, BB xxx

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Happy to see you again Nora. You ARE better..I remember how miserable you were when you first came here. I have come to love and respect you and I will always be here for you.....wish we could meet sometime.
Good job on the AA sweetie> Enjoy the movie

[Mish]

Nora's journey

Oh Nora, Nora, Nora, my dear friend. Your post this morning has made my day and I'll go through this glorious, AF, sunny Perth Sunday with a heart made more full knowing how much better you're doing. I'm glad I'm such a pushy bag and nudged you back into your journal.
Being open with one's therapist really is the way to go. I've always been brutally open about my issues and I know their assistance in adressing them has had positive results. Happily, I've found therapists with a good reputation before I open up. I've also had a couple of right royal prats who haven't been let into my inner battles. Their efforts brought me no relief.
I'm thrilled your therapist is off your back about AA now you've been. I'm also glad it wasn't the horrible experience you'd anticipated. I must admit that I have a bit of an aversion to AA myself and just know it isn't for me. It's extraordinary how some therapists don't recognise that we sometimes have a deeper insight into what will work for us and what won't. When my Psych refused me Baclofen and wanted me to try Naltrexone, I just knew deep inside that it wouldn't work and that Baclofen would. Self-fulfilling prophesy? Anyway, the Nal helped but when I finally found Fresh Start Recovery Programme and they prescribed Bac, my predictions were accurate. Maybe it something to do with the mind, but I think we know ourselves better than they do on so many levels and should listen to us more and put their own spin on things less. If the antabuse is keeping you off the turps until you find a more permanent solution, then where's the problem? It's not like you're not looking for the ultimate magic bullet to set you free...and you can think more clearly AF.
Sorry, I'll get off my soapbox now.
Anyway, dearest Nora, I hope you enjoy your movie and can stay in this happier place until you find your "happiest" place.
Love and hugs

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thank you friends!!:l:l

[fennel]

Nora's journey

Yay, Nora!!! :h. I hope you have a great time at the movies today. You sound so much happier. :l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-9-11

Not as great a day today. Slept for a great bit of the day. Guess I needed it. I slept until 10:30 am and then went back to sleep at 1:00 and slept for 2 hours. I do that when I'm depressed but wasn't depressed. I guess I just needed the sleep. I woke up in a crabby mood after my nap. Well....I take that back. I didn't wake up in a crabby mood but then had a stressful conversation take place with a friend. Stress is one of my main triggers. I did check my AA meeting booklet to look for a meeting. I did come on here to check if any of my friends were online. I am trying to learn coping techniques. So, that is a positive. I recognized it for what it was and worked thru it. The truth is that I am very grateful that I'm on antabuse right now. That was an immediate trigger and I would have bought alcohol. So, I know that I am absolutely right to continue on the antabuse while I work on getting all my coping strategies in place. I'm feeling positive about that. Scott & I had to go to the grocery store and while we were there, I told him that I still can't get my head wrapped around never drinking again. He was trying to be supportive and he said well, you can someday. I know he meant that to be nice but I don't think that I'll ever be able to drink again. He was just trying so hard to say the right thing. Poor guy. Then he said something about luckily he doesn't have the cravings. Made me so mad. I told him that it made me upset because it made it sound like he was so superior to me. Poor guy - didn't matter what he said, I was going to find something wrong with it. :H
Anyway, point is that I had some stress but I was able to work thru it. I was sorry that I missed the meeting this morning. I had really planned on attending but then slept too late. I am hoping to go to the Women's meeting tomorrow night but might not be able to make it. I think I'm going to have to take Casey somewhere after work and I won't be home in time. Oh well.....certainly not going to worry about that. There's another meeting on Tuesday that I can attend.
Anyway - I'm doing well. And, I'm so happy about that. Life is not perfect but numbing myself so that I don't have to deal with things is not the answer. I think I'm finally getting that!