Nora's journey

[Ringing Cedars]

Nora's journey

Hey Nora--continued growth is the key and you're so obviously determined to do that. I'm proud of you!:l:goodjob::l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-16-11

Well - let's see.....guess I'm going to ramble. My Therapist suggests writing things down. I know that I have been keeping this journey journal for a long time. And, it does help to come back and read where I was at certain points. So, I'm just going to ramble.
I have been so blah for the past two days. And, there is nothing wrong. I read on here about everything that everyone else does and I feel so lazy. I wish I could just get my act together. I need to somehow stop feeling so overwhelmed. I don't have any reason to feel overwhelmed. So many people are dealing with so much more. Makes me mad at myself that I'm feeling like this.
I need to somehow find some time alone. It just doesn't happen. Scott can't drive so he's here all the time unless I drive. Casey is going to apply for his restricted license tomorrow. But, that only allows him to drive to & from work and the alcohol awareness classes. So, I am never alone. There's a line in the movie The Big Chill......"I am never alone in my own house.........remember those laboratory rats that went crazy when they were deprived of their privacy". That's how I feel. And then there is another line from the movie The Four Seasons......."did it ever occur to you that I would like to be the one with the sore knee". Both of those lines really are hitting home with me today.
Funny - I said that I need some alone time and went to the bedroom. I watched a movie. I'm getting ready to read. And, I'm feeling better already. I need to realize that saying that I need space is not going to make everyone mad. I don't have to feel guilty about it. I somehow have conditioned myself to be the caretaker. Nobody's fault but my own. I think that I have gotten so used to taking care of Scott and his health issues that I forget to take time for myself.
Maybe this is why my Therapist told me to write things down. :H So, I can figure things out. Oh well...I'm learning.
I also had some upset with a friend that feels that I am pulling away. I'm not intending to but I am sure it comes across that way. I am not so readily available as I always was. I am doing things with Scott & Casey and attending the meetings so I'm not always around. I don't know how to make it seem like I'm still there. I am.....but, I'm also taking time for me. Which is something that I never did before and I'm still learning how to do it without the guilt.
I did go to an AA meeting on Friday night. I did get up and share. Briefly. But, it's a step. I am thinking about/planning on attending a Women's Meeting tomorrow night. It would be good for me to get out of the house.
Well - I've got some books that I'm going to be reading so I think that it will help guide me in the right direction. Thank you Fennel!!
Ok - enough of the belly aching. It did feel good to let it out though. I highly recommend venting. :H

[Kimberley]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora,

Sorry to hear you're feeling a bit down and hemmed in. At the moment I am feeling overwhelmed as well. I can't believe you shared at an AA meeting - god the thought feels me with dread at the moment - not ready yet - so that's ace. You go girl! And it doesn't help to compare what you're doing with others and it doesn't help to get mad at yourself about it - just try to accept where you are and if it helps to share it or express it in your journal, all the better.

When I need alone time and can't find it at home, I like to go for really long walks. It's really nice to do that. In nicer weather I can take a book, walk to a park and lie out there, reading. In not so nice weather, sometimes going to a nice cafe with a book/newspaper and having a big cup of coffee or hot chocolate is nice too. Sometimes I just plan walks around areas or go wandering round cemetaries (that's not maudlin!- I find them very peaceful places filled with history).

And there are things you can do while others are in the house, which do still give you a bit of alone time in a way. Like gardening, dare I say cleaning - things like that. You may have others around, but you're kinda in your own space doing it if that makes sense.

Anyway, you're doing the right thing talking about how you feel. Hope you can find a bit of peace of mind soon. :l
K x

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-25-11

Well - I sure haven't been keeping up on my Journey. Things are going well. I'm still going to AA meetings. I am finding that I almost look forward to going. That's not really the right way to express it. I guess I don't really know how to explain it. But, I guess I feel optimistic about going. I have to agree that it is nice to have some face to face support. I think that I will continue to attend the Women's Meetings. And, I probably will continue with the Friday night meetings. I went to a Speaker's meeting. It was a very good speaker and I enjoyed that aspect of it. But, there were probably 150 people there. That was way too many people and I felt uncomfortable. A few of the women were really nice and gave me their numbers. But, I felt a little pressured that I HAD to attend their meetings. So, I'm not ready for that yet.
I've been having some discussions with a couple of people regarding this site and the way to get sober. Interesting conversations. I know that this site helped me get where I am now. I would not have pursued the counseling without being involved here. And, I certainly wouldn't have pursued AA. I do believe that finding this forum was the best thing I could have ever done for myself. It has given me the strength & courage & support to continue on this journey.
I have started taking Campral. I saw the Psychiatrist again last Friday. I told him that I was attending AA and giving it a try. I told him that I had started taking antabuse again and was feeling positive. He still recommended taking the Campral for cravings. I explained to him that I don't really have 'cravings' per se. I occasionally feel like having a drink. But, the cravings come when I get upset or stressed out. My immediate reaction is to turn to the alcohol. I don't like confrontation. I hold things in. The alcohol was what I used to numb it. Once again he started saying that with the antabuse I don't drink because I don't want to get sick. This time (learning to speak up ) I interrupted him and said that with the antabuse I know that there is no discussion. I will not drink and I have to use other tools to cope with the stress. I have to deal with the problems instead of numbing myself. He still doesn't get it. Anyway, I am going to continue the antabuse while I get on the Campral. Then I will make the decision on how I feel. I am not going to let him talk me into going off the antabuse if I'm not ready.
I had a good Therapy session last Saturday though. She has really noticed such an improvement in me. So have I.
I am going to try to write more often. I really would like to keep a record of my feelings/moods as I get on this campral. I think it's going to be very important. I am not ready to go without meds yet. Most of the time I would be fine. But, during the stressful times, I am scared I would reach for what is familiar.
Hopefully, I'll be able to realize from writing in here what I need and then make an intelligent decision regarding going off the antabuse.

[Kimberley]

Nora's journey

Hey Nora,
I know what you mean about that sort of 'looking forward' to meetings feeling. It's like I know I am going to feel safe and comforted for a bit, get some hugs, have a chat and hear some useful stuff. Yeah i guess it's optimism and HOPE.
You're doing great.
K x

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Nora...I am amazed at the strenght and determination I hear coming from you. I need alone time, too, and I make it a priority. My life has been so stressful the past few years that every evening I retreat to my room and read or watch netflix. I just realized when I read your past that that was I doing. If the dishes are dirty, oh well. If there is laundry to fold, oh well. I admit to having a lazy bone, but I am not Hubs perfect mom (she never stops) and I never will be.
I love you to pieces sweet girl and I agree about the Antabuse. If I quit taking it, the door opens and bad things happen.

[JackieClaire]

Nora's journey

Well just look at you, Nora.

I know you know that I always like to keep up with your journal but don't often post on it. Honestly it's amazing that when you're off the hooch your humour and strength shine through. Crikey you've certainly got your big girls pants on telling your shrink what you're going to do. I'll bet he/she is secretly pleased that you're finding your voice. And long may it continue.:l

MB ~ when did you start on the antabuse again.

It works wonders by the sounds of it. I often wonder if my doctor had prescribed antabuse if things would have turned out differently.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-26-11

I am tired and was going to skip posting but decided that I would make the effort. Thank you so much friends for your kind words.
I guess I am finding my way. Certainly not there yet but I feel encouraged by the steps that I have taken. JC, I had to laugh at the big girl pants remark. I guess I do. It is funny because I have never worn the big girl pants for myself. I learned to speak up when my son was a baby and in the hospital. I would challenge doctors and nurses. I made them stop and explain to me - not just decide things. I learned to be assertive regarding my child. Then when my husband was so sick with the brain hemorrhage, I stood up for him. I would step in immediately to question and demand answers. I learned to be assertive regarding my husband. I am still assertive regarding both of them. I never learned to be the same way for myself. But, I am now. :H
JC, your remark about being off the hooch and the difference you see really struck home with me. Also, MB - your comment about my strength and determination. Thank you both for that. I think I am finally realizing how much the alcohol was dragging me down. When I had gone back to drinking in December, my therapist noticed the change in me immediately even before I went into her office. Of course, that was when I was in the midst of all the December drama. But, she noticed that my agitation was back. I am remembering back to several years ago. I had gone on vacation to my parents house for 2 weeks. I came home and went back to work. One of the women walked in my office and looked at me and she stopped and said that I looked wonderful. She was amazed. Well, because I would never drink there. (They don't know I have a problem. I am the good girl ) Anyway, I think I need to realize what this all means. I am a much happier person without it and it shines thru.
Scott messaged me at work and asked me to go to dinner with him. I was just like - oh man! :upset: I was tired and didn't feel like going out at all. So, I hemmed and hawed and we weren't going to go. But, then I decided that I should just force myself. So, we went and had a good time. So, I am learning that I can say no. But, I am also learning to push myself a little bit to get out & do things.
So - today was a good day and that's all I can ask for.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

The Awakening

The Awakening by Sonny Carroll

This was wonderful and I wanted to mark it so I would always have the link to it.

[Grateful]

Nora's journey

Nora...are you my long lost sister???? So much of how you feel, what you do is me. I too have such a hard time sticking up for me....taking care of me - but I am learning, too, that if I don't take care of me, say NO sometimes, then I am just going to wear myself out and give up. I have too much to live for....especially my little granddaughter. And your comment about being your parents' "good girl"...me too....I think they would be absolutely "gob-smacked" if they knew that I had this problem. On the other hand, they would be proud that I've been able to fight it.

Nora...be proud of yourself...I have seen such a huge difference in your posts in just a short time. I know that we can't be on cloud 9 every day....life is a rollercoaster..but the good thing is that even if we are having a bad day-it's just 1 day, 24 hours - less if you deduct your sleeping time. The other day I was having a really "off" day and I just kept telling myself to get thru it and pray that the next day I wake up on the "right" side of the bed.....

Have a great day, my sweet friend!!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Grateful - thank you for that. Thank you so much. :l:l

[one2many]

Nora's journey

Glad you had a good day Nora, sometimes thats all any of us can ask for. One day at a time.x

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks Oney. :l I'm learning that.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-27-11

Not much to report today. My side pain is back again. Guess I'm going to have to go see the Doctor. Yuck. It's been hurting for days now so guess it is time. Oh...I do have a funny story. I have been having a few incidents of my stomach bloating. And today was a really bad day. I put on my pants this morning and everything was fine. About an hour later while I'm sitting at work and suddenly I was so bloated. My stomach had gotten so bloated that I actually had to undo my zipper. It lasted for about 3 hours. So uncomfortable. Anyway, Scott chatted with me on messenger and asked how my side pain was. I told him about the bloating. So, later in the day....he gets back on messenger and tells me that he is so bloated. :H:H Or stuffed. Now, in the past I would have just stewed about this without saying anything to him. But, today - I typed back to him. "There is a big difference between being bloated and being stuffed. You are not bloated Mr. Psychosomatic Illnesses". :H I swear if somebody has something, he's going to get it.
I have my vacation set to go see my parents. Now, I just have to buy my ticket. I am so happy. I can't wait to get there. I miss them so much. It is going to be wonderful to be with them. Two whole weeks. March 5-20.

[Mish]

Nora's journey

Nora, I'm so happy to read this post. You're doing really well lately and it gladdens my heart. You're in my thoughts many times a day...can you sense it?
I was the ultimate doormat most of my life and it's really only in the past few months that I've really started to shine, too. Saying "No" was the hardest thing in the world...heck, I even volunteered to do things I didn't want to. Crazy, eh? Becoming AF, more confident in myself and my right to live on the planet and breathe the air along with everyone else without apologising for the inconvenience to others, and finally living a more purposeful life has given me the strength to stand up for myself much more. This is my time now, after giving and giving to everyone else to my own detriment for most of my life. I'm happier than I can ever remember being and I'm not giving this feeling up for anyone. That doesn't mean I'm going to start being selfish, though. What it does mean is that now I'm meeting my own needs first and nurturing myself, I have so much more desire and energy to give more to others. Funny how that works, but it just goes to show how important it is to look after ourselves and that the well of giving never runs dry when we know who we are and treat ourselves as precious and worthy.
Keep up the hard work, Nora sweetie. It's paying off and we can all see your progress.