Nora's journey

[Grateful]

Nora's journey

Nora...just wanted to say that I am glad that you are writing again in your journal and please don't think of it as wasting space. I know how hard it is to let people in....really in, but we both know that there are many true friends here who care so much for us and want to help in any way possible. Remember that Spring is a time for renewal-a chance to start again.:l:l

[rubywillow]

Nora's journey

Good to see you back, my friend.

[Kimberley]

Nora's journey

Great to see you back Nora :l

K x

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

5-22-11

Well....I have been here for almost 2 years. I finally have been able to get some AF time in the past year. I have not stuck with it though. I had a couple of months then drank for a month. Then 3 months and then drank for 3 weeks. I am back on the antabuse but I am wavering on continuing it. I think that part of it is my brain wanting to get off it so I can drink. But, part of is because I need to get back to where I felt ready to beat this thing.
I am discussing this with my therapist. I told her that I feel like I am taking the antabuse to make other people happy instead of when I first started taking it and felt to positive. I do believe that I am taking major steps in the right direction. My therapist also sees the improvement in me. Instead of trying to just rely on the pill, I am actually trying to work on it. Deal with it.
I went back to AA last Monday. I have found some other women's group meetings that I will check out. I am very seriously considering attending an all day Women's Workshop on June 4. I'm really nervous but I plan on asking at my meeting tomorrow night if any of the women are planning on attending. I am not great about reaching out for help but I need to.
My hubby is going back out of town on Tuesday morning. I know in the back of my mind that I am thinking about this time as an excuse to drink. So, it would be wise to stay on the antabuse. But, I also know that I need to really focus on keeping busy and working on ways to deal with the cravings. The cravings do not happen while I am on antabuse.
So, I will try to stay connected here. I do have some friends on here that I can call. I will go to my AA meeting and try to find another one where I am comfortable. I have some numbers of some women that I can call from my meeting. I have found an online place that I can journal privately. I will start using my Wii Fit again to expend some energy.
Well - I don't have any answers. But, I do feel that I am going in the right direction. It is a rocky road but I do think that I am traveling in the right direction now.

[Kimberley]

Nora's journey

Hey Nora,

How funny that your workshop is 4th June - we have an all-day conference thing at my local meeting on the same day and I'm a bit nervous about going - even though I know loads of people now and they've all been telling me they expect to see me there!! Haha, we're in the same boat again.

Great that you have a plan put together - wish I had a Wii fit again, it was great for yoga!

Good to see ya again,
K x

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

6-27-11
I have started going back & rereading my 'Nora's Journey'. It is amazing how much of it still hits home. I started two years ago. I feel that I have made an improvement in some ways but I certainly haven't 'got it' yet. However, I am allowing myself to think & feel and to try different approaches to find out what is going to help me 'Find My Way Out'.
I am back on the antabuse. That has helped me get some solid AF time down. I am finding that I'll do well for months at a time. But, when I drink again, I very quickly go back to the overdrinking. I know that means that I can't drink but I am sticking with one day at a time right now. I am not going to overwhelm myself with thinking that far ahead.
I do have my great niece & nephew staying with us. So, that is keeping me taking the antabuse and staying AF.
I'm hoping that when I go back and read this 'Journey' in a year, I'll find that this was the beginning of forever for me. I'm doing therapy, some AA and medication. Also, reading self help books, etc. I do know that I need to focus on staying close to this group so that I stay grounded.
So, I need to take all the tools that I have available to me and start utilizing them.

[mario]

Nora's journey

Keep at it nora never quit quitting.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

6-28-11

Well - I'm exhausted so this will be a quickie. I'm trying to make myself accountable to this log.
Thank you Mario for your words of encouragement.
I had so much that I wanted to write but after working, taking care of the kids, dinner, dishes, etc. - I'm pooped. I'm too old for this. :H
Anyway - Day 6 today. I don't really have cravings per se. But, I just want to drink. Trying to think of all the bad stuff. I had actually planned on making a list today but haven't had a chance yet. Maybe after I get the kids their showers and into bed, I'll have time. Of course, I'm taking antabuse so maybe that is why I don't have cravings. I know that I can't drink. When I was thinking about writing out my list earlier today, there are many, many reasons that I don't want to drink.
Quick list:
Guilt
Next morning not remembering everything
Feeling blah/yucky (not even a complete hangover)
Disappointment in my husbands eyes
Secretiveness
Worried about health
Crawling into my shell
Depression

That is just a quick list. There are many more reasons. I'll try to get myself a list so that I can refer to it when I'm off the antabuse and am reaching for that bottle.

Well - time to go get the kids. Amazing how tired I am - not used to having a couple of young ones around.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

6-29-11

Didn't get a chance to sit down & make my list today. Doing ok - just thinking about the future and I need to stop doing that. I need to just worry about not drinking today not 6 months from now. And that is where my head has been. So, got to get back to the basics. I will not drink today. Or I should say that I did not drink today. I sort of feel like a cheater because I'm doing this with antabuse. But, I think I need to cut myself a break and use whatever tools I need to overcome this.
Well - rambling now. I've had way too much caffeine this evening so now I've got to get to sleep. Not the sharpest tool in the shed am I? :H

[mario]

Nora's journey

Nora you are not no cheater, any way out of this is the way to go, whatever suits your needs, keep at it and taking it one day or hour at a time,:-)

[JackieClaire]

Nora's journey

Nora,hun:l

I need to just worry about not drinking today not 6 months from now.
Exactly, it took me ages to work this one out.

I sort of feel like a cheater because I'm doing this with antabuse. But, I think I need to cut myself a break

Indeed you do, Nora. That's not cheating, as you said it's another tool in the box.

Well - rambling now.

And you carry on rambling, it's always good to get your thoughts written down.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

6-30-11

Thanks JC. You are always such a positive influence. :l:h

Things going ok here. Took the kids to The Dollar Tree and then to Wal-Mart. They had some money burning holes in their wallets. :H It's really great having them here. We just love them so much and it's so hard having them so far away from us. We are going to enjoy every minute.
It was funny.....after we left Wal-Mart and we were driving home. Hubby whispered to me that he had had an urge to buy a 12 pack. He said it lasted about 5 minutes. Unusual for him. Glad that he admitted it. Of course, he can control his drinking. The difference between us. Anyway, he is supportive of me.
The kids are so wound up. They are out playing with the neighbor kids now. Uh oh - it got quiet. That's scary. :H Better go check this out.
Still working on not dwelling on the future. I'm not drinking today and there you.

[rubywillow]

Nora's journey

Nora, they will keep you on your toes, and little ones truly DO need us to be straight, responsible, for them. Keep it up, sweet girl. You can do this, until your good habit outweighs your thoughts of the bad ones. :hug:

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

7-1-11

Thanks Rubes. You are so right.
Stressful day today. Much too long of a story to even try to begin. But, it has been a long day. Sometimes you love someone so very much and it's hard when things aren't going well. Not hubby and me but a very dear friend. I'm having some selfish issues with trying to take care of and worry about everyone. It can wear you down sometimes.
Took my niece to get our nails done. She has blue fingers and red toes. I only have red toes. We're hoping to either go to a farmers market in the morning or a library book sale. We'll see what strikes our fancy in the morning.
Not many drinking thoughts today. They still show up out of nowhere but goes away quickly. Problem is that it's probably due to the antabuse that they just go away. Oh well - baby steps.

[Georgie]

Nora's journey

Nora,
I once heard an expression (maybe you have to) with reference to ever being able to drink after becoming an alcoholic "Once a pickle always a pickle". I try to remind myself of this whenever I think that it might be okay to ever drink again. You will find good advice here and it is wonderful that your husband is on board. Hang in there. Good luck with the supplements.