Nora's journey

[Kimberley]

Nora's journey

Hey Nora,

I haven't 'spoken' to you for a while so I thought I'd pop by and say hello.

You do seem to be feeling up and down a lot - and the thing I have finally come to realise is that that's ok. I kept a daily journal for about 4 months and I was amazed how much my mood shifted to extremes from day to day.

Almost everyone feels like that to some extent - most people just don't make themselves feel worse by getting into the self-loathing about it that people like us do 'WHY can't I feel happy?! WHY am I so stupid/unable to cope' etc. I have always envied other people's ability to just get on with life, but I guess I don't know how other people are thinking and feeling. All I can do is do MY best and not drink.

Your thoughts turn to alcohol because that's been your answer in the past. The longer you go AF, the more you learn different coping strategies, or just accepting things and not drinking. I'm just over 6 months AF and although I still think about drinking, it happens less and less. I am actually more likely now to think about punching doors or throwing things than drinking, even though that ain't great either. But at least alcohol is not my first thought when I'm mad anymore - I NEVER thought I'd say that. Really, NEVER.

Anyway, chin up hun. Remember, overall the longer you go, the easier it is. Gotta replace the alcohol with something else though. What can give you comfort, release etc instead of mind-altering substances? (I'm not suggesting you punch doors by the way )

Hugs,
K x

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Kim - you are such a sweetie. You sound wonderful. Thanks for the pep talk. Much appreciated. And, so true. I am experiencing life as a 'normal' person. And, normal people do have up & down days. Thanks for reminding me of that. :h
I am so happy for you to be 6 + months AF. That is fantastic. :goodjob:

[Kimberley]

Nora's journey

Thanks Nora - yeah there just came a point where things sort of 'clicked' and things got easier. Well things didn't get easier, but it got easier not to pick up a drink over things. You'll get there - you're already making progress, whether you know it or not, every time you don't pick up when you really friggin want to!

And you're welcome, any time. You DESERVE to get better - never forget that!
:l K x

[Queenbug]

Nora's journey

Hey Nora...please don't think that you are on your own with that way of thinking...I'm definately the same! Just ending Day 6 and thats the longest Ive managed without managing to 'cope' with the ups and downs of life.
Kim...your post really helped me through a bit of a witching hour...thanks. I especially like the idea of things 'clicking'....this time I feel a strong sense that I've actually decided to succeed....certainly out of desperation, but also I feel like I'm wrestling with my monster to have some control over my life again. Perhaps I'm not a crazy lady after all? 6 days in and I'm beginning to consider that this might be a possibility...weird times!
Stay strong Nora x

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

7-16-11

Thanks Queen. Still taking my antabuse so that is a good thing. I just need to stay on it for awhile. I was having those 'stinkin drinkin' thoughts. So, I'll continue to use my antabuse as a tool to help me.
Yard sale today was much slower than I thought. We did make about $100.00 and we needed it! That's going to get us thru another week. We are taking the rest to Goodwill. No reason to keep this stuff. Anyway, I have to get back out there. Going to wait another hour and then give it up.
Probably celebrate with a cheap meal somewhere. Already spending the profits. :H

[Queenbug]

Nora's journey

I think you deserve that celebration mate! Enjoy x

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

7-31-11

I always think that I'll keep up with this journal but then 'life' gets in the way. Still hanging in there. Having some 'stinking drinking' thoughts but not bad. I still try to picture myself as a normal drinker. Wonder when I'll learn that I'm not normal. :H
Kids go home in a week and a half. We have really enjoyed having them but I have to admit that it'll be nice to have some peace & quiet. We love them so much but our house is so small that it's hard sometimes.
Casey is moving out on August 15. So, we're going to have a very empty house. I'm trying to look at the positive instead of the negative. So, this is a good move for him.
Just found out that my Aunt has brain cancer. It has been one thing after another. She is in the hospital recovering from her lung cancer surgery and they have discovered this. Breaks my heart.
Well - think I'm going to hit the sack early tonight. I don't count days but I think I'm up to 40 or so.

[Queenbug]

Nora's journey

hey Nora...good to hear from you...chin up petal you are doing an awesome job....rest up...catch you soon xx

[Mish]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1052686 wrote: 30 days again. I want to keep it going. I was about 60 days last time when I decided to drink. It wasn't a slip. It was a conscious decision. I am using these new tools - AA, Antabuse & Campral, opening up more in therapy - to really try to change my thinking and keep going with this.

I still am not ready to say never again. But, now when I think about drinking, I don't really see a need. I was just having cravings a couple of days ago. Not cravings - urges......and the urges were because I was upset. So, I'm dealing with those issues and am trying to stay strong.

DoggyGirl made a post today and I am copying a piece of it here.


That has definitely been my thinking. I'm hoping that I will come back here and read that line before I make the decision to drink again.

Well - time for bed. I just want to thank all of my friends here for all of your unwavering support. It means more to me than you will ever know. :l:h

Nora, I'm bumping this thread of yours for two reasons. One, so you can read this quote and relate back to it now that you're having similar thoughts and feelings and remember how you dealt with it last time. Two, so the thread is back in your face on page one and it reminds you to journal your feelings. And three (ok, for three reasons), because I love you dearly and want you get through this present crisis knowing we're all here for you.

So come on, honey lamb, read, inwardly digest and start writing. :h and :l:l

[JackieClaire]

Nora's journey

Thanks for bumping this thread Mish,

So sorry to hear about your Aunt, Nora,hun :l

And sorry that you're going to have an empty nest. It's a year ago on the 8th Aug that the son and heir moved out to start his first proper job after university. I cried buckets. Didn't cry in front of him just every time he left the room to put something else in a box. He must have thought I had the worst summer cold ever.

Now what's this I here about not taking the antabuse and having a couple of bottles of champagne, eh, eh. Tell me this isn't so.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

8-5-11

Thank you my very dear friends. You don't know how much you mean to me. Mish - thank you for showing me what I wrote before. :l I'm going to read back here in my journal. I'm going to continue reading the self-help information that I have. I've joined a Smart Recovery on-line group and plan to attend some on-line meetings. I will go back to my AA meeting after the kids go home. I called my insurance company today and asked for a referral to a chemical dependency Dr. or clinic. I'm not covered for that (only mental help). I have an appointment with my psychiatrist (that I didn't like) on August 22. I will talk to him and see what he can prescribe for me for cravings. He seemed to think that I needed something for cravings and suggested a chemical dependency Dr. So, I'll discuss my options with him then.
I wish that I could explain/understand what I'm feeling. It's not really a craving. I've had cravings where I just felt like I had to have a drink. That's not what this is. Anyway, going to think about it. Analyze it. Make my list of pros/cons.
I talked to Scott about it and told him that I'm heading for a relapse. He said that he has noticed an improvement in me even in that regard. That I'm trying to talk about it and use tools.
Even though I skipped my pill today, the antabuse is still in my system. So, drinking is not an option for a week. I have not given up - I just am struggling.
Thank you for helping me friends.
xxoo

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Mish - Thanks for finding my old post....Here is the quote from DoggyGirl that I wanted to remember:

It was "fuck it" that I figured I had been AF for 60 days, and could just go right back to AFness whenever I darn well pleased.

WELL DUH!!! If it was easy for me to stop drinking, I would have stopped a long time ago. Why on earth would I think it would be "easy to stop again" (aka, I'm fixed!) when for YEARS AND YEARS I would promise myself "I will not drink today" in the morning, and by 5PM or earlier I was drinking? Every single time?

[Mish]

Nora's journey

No worries, dearest Nora. That's what Mishy's for...sitting on your shoulder like Jimminy Cricket.
I tried to quote the whole thingy, but Doggygirl's bit didn't come out, but I knew you'd find it and it would resonate with you.
Take care and keep up the writing, ok!

[rubywillow]

Nora's journey

Nora, I 'm having a bit of a 'black spell', and my trials and tribulations pale when you just mention a few things on your plate, love. I'm not comparing, because each of us has our own path, just pointing out I believe you are one strong lady, and deserve to be acknowledged for that. Taking care of those children, and nursing all the sick in your family, while working full-time is daunting. :hug: to you.

A beautiful smile, an unselfish mind, a kind heart and a genuine soul-so rare and hard to find.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

8-6-11

Mish - you were right. It did resonate with me and I did a lot of reading of some of my posts. I found the story 'There's a hole in my sidewalk' that I wanted to remember too. I read that several times. I think that I am this point in my life right now:


I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

So - I am staring at that hole. Trying to find the brains to walk around it. I'm working on it.

Thank you all so much. I do feel that I am so much better than I was a year ago or even 6 months ago. I never seemed to see the hole before I fell in it but I see it now. :h