Nora's journey

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

4-20-12

Well?.I really think that I am on a new road on this journey of mine.

I stopped taking my AB last week in preparation of going to the gastroenterologist. I didn?t want to delay any testing in case I needed to be off the drug. I am being scheduled for an endoscopy and colonoscopy. He said that I could continue to take it but I never started up again.

I went to the Psychiatrist yesterday. I liked her and feel like this is going to be good for me. I will take antabuse and naltrexone for right now. I see her again in 2 weeks.

So, yesterday after seeing her. My brain started in on that I had to drink. Went back & forth all day. And, finally ended up drinking.

But, the thing is. I don't want to do that anymore. I am stopping the binge after one day. I've never done that before. I really am reaching a point where I realize this isn't what I want. I am enjoying being sober. I am enjoying my life - being really in my life instead of drunk.

I hit a bump in my new road yesterday. But, I'm up and walking down that road again.


I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Good for you Nora....I hope you got it out of your system!!

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

was it worth it babe???
I find it usually never is and it isn't even that fun.
Did Scott get mad??

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Hi Mama.......It was worth it in the sense that it really helped me see that I don't want this. I always have the romanticised image in my head. But, I don't drink that way. Never a glass of wine or one cocktail. I guzzle. It was a wasted night. I don't need any more wasted nights. I'm not saying that I'm never going to drink again.....it might take a little more to get it thru my thick head. But, I do know that I'm not drinking today. And that I don't want to.
Scott was not angry. He was more disturbed. He wants me to be healthy and he hates that this addiction has such a hold on me. He is trying so very hard to be understanding. We talked quite a bit about this and he realizes that I'm working very hard at this.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Bret tries to be understanding...but he is just sick of it and I have used my last get out of jail card I think.....
I am prouod of you and the progress you are making

[Hopeful mom]

Nora's journey

Thinking of you Nora! I like the little poem; very powerful! Mama, you are a great encourager/friend!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks Hope :l:l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

4-22-12

I have just spent a couple hours going back thru this journey of mine. I wanted to see why I stopped taking Topamax and then later stopped taking Campral. I'm really glad that I decided to start this simply because I was able to look back.

I realized that I sure ramble. :H For a person that doesn't talk very much, I sure do babble here.

Anyway - going to post myself some notes here. Want to talk to the Psychiatrist about some of this next appointment. I also found some things I want to remember.

July 2009 - Started Topamax
Drank after approx. 17 days. Not sure how much I was drinking but did drink for the next few months.

November 2009 - Thank you all. I tried Topamax but never Campral. Maybe that will help. I just pretty much thru up my hands and stopped taking anything. I was getting good results with the L-Glutamine, Kudzu and Topamax mix. I just need to do this. I know it logically. But, I have been deliberately hiding my head in the sand. Time to get out of this pit.
So - I'm here. One step at a time.

Feb 2010 – started back on Topamax( got up to 180 mg) Had some tingling in extremities

Sept 22 2010 – Requested Antabuse so that I wouldn’t drink over the Topa
Was doing well taking Antabuse but very depressed – Casey’s DUI – Uncle in hospital – Scott pain

10-29-10: Saw Psychiatrist. He thinks of Antabuse as a negative reinforcement instead of a positive reinforcement. Example - I'm not going to drink because I'll get sick instead of I'm not drinking because I don't want to. That bothered me. I have been having great success with the Antabuse and he just sort of shrugged it off. He did tell me to go ahead & continue it but his attitude was that they don't prescribe that nowadays. He said that they prescribe Campral because it will help with the cravings. Anyway, he told me that it was fine to go ahead & continue taking it now. That we might consider Campral in the future.

10-31-10 Finally took my antabuse today. Skipped it for a couple of days. I only take it every other day so I guess I skipped it once. Got back on track today thanks to my friends here. I obviously am not ready to stop taking it now. I had stopped it with the the thought of counting how many days until I can drink again. That is not the way I want to do this. I seriously don't know if I plan to be AF for the rest of my life. But, if I am going to think of alcohol like that, then I am going to have to consider staying AF. A 'normal' person would not think about when they are having their next drink. If I can't reach that point, then I need to stay away from it. So, back to the antabuse today. No matter what the Psych said, I think antabuse is the answer for me. I don't think it is negative reinforcement. I consider antabuse as a positive tool. It is helping me do what I want to do - and that is to stop abusing alcohol. I really think that he was offbase with that. He is thinking of it as a negative: 'I'm not going to drink because I will get sick'. I think of it as a positive: 'I'm not going to drink because I don't want to drink and this pill helps me reinforce that thinking before I do something rash'. Even if that sounds stupid to other people, it is positive in my brain and that is what is important right now.

11-7-10 had a great time yesterday and last night. I really had a wonderful time! I am reading a wonderful book. Yes - I AM READING A BOOK! That might not sound like much but to me it is a huge deal. I love to read and for the past year or more, I have not been able to quiet my brain to sit down and read. But, yesterday, I picked up a book (Thank you Grateful for sending me that book) and I was able to sit and read. I lost myself in the book. Oh that has made me so happy.

11-17-10 Drank

11-19-10 Back on Antabuse

12-20-10 So.....I went to the psychiatrist last Friday. He is not a fan of antabuse because it is 'negative reinforcement'. (Especially since I stopped taking it.) So, he gave me a prescription for Campral. I'm going to try that and if I don't have any luck with that, there is a possibility that I'll try Baclofen. We will see. I, personally, did great for 2 months or so on Antabuse. But, he says that isn't making me deal with the underlying issues. Also, he is really pushing me to try AA.

12-21-10 Started Campral
Not sure how long I took it. Do know that I went thru a period where I just stopped all the meds.

Had 90 days AF (June -Aug 2011 ? ) Antabuse

9-10-11 Started Naltrexone - didn't take it very long. Didn't keep track of how I felt.
Don't think I gave it a fair shot. Will see how I do now.

...........................

In reading back thru my ramblings, I see that depression is the major trigger for me. The Psychiatrist that I saw last week mentioned to me that we need to get a handle on that. I can see that she is absolutely right. That seems to be one of my main problems. She has adjusted my AD to try to keep me from having those big lows that I go thru.

I have had good success with Antabuse and my problem comes from stopping it. I think that I need to stay on it for a long period. 6 months? A year? I will discuss that with her. I have a tendency to stop the AB when I get in the depressions. Maybe by adjusting the anti-depressant, it will help me to stay focused with the AB.

I am also exercising. Doing things with Scott. Being more active. All good things for my depression. Also, it's almost summer. Sunshine is good for depression.

It looks like I had pretty good success with Topamax but it was earlier in my recovery and I wasn't as committed. I am going to talk to her about taking Topamax again.

For now I am going to continue with the Naltrexone until I see her again. I am really feeling dizzy/weird today. I took half a Naltrexone last night. I don't know if that is what is causing this or maybe the increase in my AD or maybe even the anti-acid pill that I just started taking. I do know that I don't feel right.

I can see what a winding road this has been for me. However, I still am feeling like I've reach a new turn in the road. This is what I want to do. Need to stay focused. This is a better life and I AM happier without the booze.

[techie]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1302251 wrote: I have just spent a couple hours going back thru this journey of mine. I wanted to see why I stopped taking Topamax and then later stopped taking Campral. I'm really glad that I decided to start this simply because I was able to look back.

I realized that I sure ramble. :H For a person that doesn't talk very much, I sure do babble here.

Anyway - going to post myself some notes here. Want to talk to the Psychiatrist about some of this next appointment. I also found some things I want to remember.

July 2009 - Started Topamax
Drank after approx. 17 days. Not sure how much I was drinking but did drink for the next few months.

November 2009 - Thank you all. I tried Topamax but never Campral. Maybe that will help. I just pretty much thru up my hands and stopped taking anything. I was getting good results with the L-Glutamine, Kudzu and Topamax mix. I just need to do this. I know it logically. But, I have been deliberately hiding my head in the sand. Time to get out of this pit.
So - I'm here. One step at a time.

Feb 2010 ? started back on Topamax( got up to 180 mg) Had some tingling in extremities

Sept 22 2010 ? Requested Antabuse so that I wouldn?t drink over the Topa
Was doing well taking Antabuse but very depressed ? Casey?s DUI ? Uncle in hospital ? Scott pain

10-29-10: Saw Psychiatrist. He thinks of Antabuse as a negative reinforcement instead of a positive reinforcement. Example - I'm not going to drink because I'll get sick instead of I'm not drinking because I don't want to. That bothered me. I have been having great success with the Antabuse and he just sort of shrugged it off. He did tell me to go ahead & continue it but his attitude was that they don't prescribe that nowadays. He said that they prescribe Campral because it will help with the cravings. Anyway, he told me that it was fine to go ahead & continue taking it now. That we might consider Campral in the future.

10-31-10 Finally took my antabuse today. Skipped it for a couple of days. I only take it every other day so I guess I skipped it once. Got back on track today thanks to my friends here. I obviously am not ready to stop taking it now. I had stopped it with the the thought of counting how many days until I can drink again. That is not the way I want to do this. I seriously don't know if I plan to be AF for the rest of my life. But, if I am going to think of alcohol like that, then I am going to have to consider staying AF. A 'normal' person would not think about when they are having their next drink. If I can't reach that point, then I need to stay away from it. So, back to the antabuse today. No matter what the Psych said, I think antabuse is the answer for me. I don't think it is negative reinforcement. I consider antabuse as a positive tool. It is helping me do what I want to do - and that is to stop abusing alcohol. I really think that he was offbase with that. He is thinking of it as a negative: 'I'm not going to drink because I will get sick'. I think of it as a positive: 'I'm not going to drink because I don't want to drink and this pill helps me reinforce that thinking before I do something rash'. Even if that sounds stupid to other people, it is positive in my brain and that is what is important right now.

11-7-10 had a great time yesterday and last night. I really had a wonderful time! I am reading a wonderful book. Yes - I AM READING A BOOK! That might not sound like much but to me it is a huge deal. I love to read and for the past year or more, I have not been able to quiet my brain to sit down and read. But, yesterday, I picked up a book (Thank you Grateful for sending me that book) and I was able to sit and read. I lost myself in the book. Oh that has made me so happy.

11-17-10 Drank

11-19-10 Back on Antabuse

12-20-10 So.....I went to the psychiatrist last Friday. He is not a fan of antabuse because it is 'negative reinforcement'. (Especially since I stopped taking it.) So, he gave me a prescription for Campral. I'm going to try that and if I don't have any luck with that, there is a possibility that I'll try Baclofen. We will see. I, personally, did great for 2 months or so on Antabuse. But, he says that isn't making me deal with the underlying issues. Also, he is really pushing me to try AA.

12-21-10 Started Campral
Not sure how long I took it. Do know that I went thru a period where I just stopped all the meds.

Had 90 days AF (June -Aug 2011 ? ) Antabuse

9-10-11 Started Naltrexone - didn't take it very long. Didn't keep track of how I felt.
Don't think I gave it a fair shot. Will see how I do now.

...........................

In reading back thru my ramblings, I see that depression is the major trigger for me. The Psychiatrist that I saw last week mentioned to me that we need to get a handle on that. I can see that she is absolutely right. That seems to be one of my main problems. She has adjusted my AD to try to keep me from having those big lows that I go thru.

I have had good success with Antabuse and my problem comes from stopping it. I think that I need to stay on it for a long period. 6 months? A year? I will discuss that with her. I have a tendency to stop the AB when I get in the depressions. Maybe by adjusting the anti-depressant, it will help me to stay focused with the AB.

I am also exercising. Doing things with Scott. Being more active. All good things for my depression. Also, it's almost summer. Sunshine is good for depression.

It looks like I had pretty good success with Topamax but it was earlier in my recovery and I wasn't as committed. I am going to talk to her about taking Topamax again.

For now I am going to continue with the Naltrexone until I see her again. I am really feeling dizzy/weird today. I took half a Naltrexone last night. I don't know if that is what is causing this or maybe the increase in my AD or maybe even the anti-acid pill that I just started taking. I do know that I don't feel right.

I can see what a winding road this has been for me. However, I still am feeling like I've reach a new turn in the road. This is what I want to do. Need to stay focused. This is a better life and I AM happier with the booze.


great post sweetie. I wish you nothing but the best !

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks Techie - You are always such a wonderful support. :l

...........................................

Putting a few of the things I want to remember in one place:

Cinders posted to me in 2009

Remember, though, these cravings, while really tough to battle, are just thoughts
I posted this to myself in 2009 or 2010

What I Hate about Drinking Alcohol:
? Setting a horrible example for my son
? Wasting so much of my life
? Seeing the sad look in my husbands eyes
? Continuing to drink when I've already had to much
? Tripping/Falling
? Waking up with bruises
? Worried that I might get an emergency call and not be able to drive
? Listening to the people going thru our recycle bin on trash day
? Not remembering what I did or said
? Passing out on the couch/bed
? Waking up and knowing that I did it yet again
? Knowing that I am slowly killing myself
? Waking up and looking so awful
? Breaking the promise to myself to stop

I did not drink yesterday, I will not drink today and I will not drink tomorrow...........repeat

Another note I made to myself 2010??
I am really enjoying Roger's thread - The Pros and Cons of Drinking. Really makes you stop & think. Also the thread The Bucket List. Another one to make me think. What do I want to do now that I'm not drinking all the time.

The Awakening by Sonny Carroll


Quick list:
Guilt
Next morning not remembering everything
Feeling blah/yucky (not even a complete hangover)
Disappointment in my husbands eyes
Secretiveness
Worried about health
Crawling into my shell
Depression

[rubywillow]

Nora's journey

Nora, I know things are tough emotionally for you right now, so just hang in there, sweet friend. We know how hard you're working on everything. You put all you've got into everything you do. :hug:

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks Ruby. I am in a better place mentally now. It has taken me a long, long time but I do feel like I have made progress. About 6 months ago or so, I just felt like I was back to the beginning. Just had lost my way. But, I have had a mental shift. I have not been AF during all this time. But, I am having longer sober periods and shorter binges. Right now I am just going to focus on getting longer & longer periods of alcohol free time. I am not going to worry about if/when I drink again. The focus is going to be getting long stretches of AF time in. That is something that I can do. I am not going to worry about 'never again'.
I am back to the mantra -
I did not drink yesterday, I will not drink today and I will not drink tomorrow...........repeat

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

4-25-12

Well....still feeling down. so many hurt feelings going on around here. Makes me sad. Doesn't help the fact that I added to it by using a wrong choice of words. Insulted many people and it wasn't meant that way. In my mind, I was trying to make peace and it all it did was start a war. Nothing more I can do. I apologized for the choice of word. I have been working so hard on living a peaceful life. Letting go of anger. It was a hard lesson.

Onto a good note. My normal reaction is to get drunk. Haven't been tempted. I did make sure to take my antabuse this morning. Wasn't sure the last day that I had taken it and thought it would be a good idea. But, thankfully, I haven't felt the urge to escape into a bottle.

Took Naltrexone (half a pill) for 2 nights. Then night before last I moved up to a whole pill. It wiped me out. I felt stoned for over 24 hours. Skipped the pill last night and tonight will try half a pill again. I go back to see my psych next Thursday. I'll see what she says. But, I am thinking that I will end up stopping it. The antabuse is working now. I've been working on developing different outlets for stress/depression instead of alcohol. We'll see how it goes.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

my doc has prescribed Campral...picking it up later today......
and back on the AB after my fuck up last night....
I was really upset by all the words being flung around.....
Nal sounds like some scary stuff
both Bac and Topa made me feel like crap
love you babe

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Really fighting the depression today. I just want to curl up but I know that does no good. I just have to keep keeping on.
I am sad. I just don't like conflict. I don't understand it.