Nora's journey

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

I am here if you need me with my nightly AL Police phone calls!!!

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora!

Hope you're doing okay today. You're right, don't think about tomorrow, next week, next month or God forbid, next year. Take this one minute, one second at a time. I think I would be overwhelmed if I looked at the "BIG" picture too often. All I know is that today I will be sober. Tomorrow isn't here yet. I'm sending you strength Nora...you can do this. I hope you feel better. I'll send you a California Pizza, ok? LOL

K9

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

K9 - a California pizza would make me paranoid and then hungry:H

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

LOL Mama! It's a catch 22, the more you eat, the more you need. Brilliant marketing.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks everyone. K9 - PLEASE send me a California Pizza. :H I don't have any connections for that kind of pizza anymore.

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

NORA:youwish:

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

5-17-12

Yesterday Scott asked me if I was still taking all my meds. He has noticed how depressed I've been. I told him that I was still taking the Naltrexone everyday but that I hadn't taken the antabuse since Sunday. This morning he told me that he just doesn't understand why I am not taking the antabuse. I just looked at him incredulously and said because I want to drink. Poor guy. He's trying so hard to be supportive. But, he doesn't understand my crazy brain. I'm fighting so hard not to drink. I could take the pill and the struggle would be over. But, I haven't done it. I just need to work harder at it.

I did take a few minutes this morning and read my daily meditations/affirmations. That was a nice start to the day. I have some affirmation cards and I'm going to start carrying one with me everyday so that I can remember it during the day.

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora,

Guess what? I WANT to drink too. I also want to win the lottery. Neither of those things are going to happen for me. There was a saying I read in a book that really stuck with me, it was "You never have to drink again, even if you want to". Subconsciously (or consciously, it seems) you are setting yourself up to drink by not taking the Antabuse. I do understand, but I hope you'll decide to take it.

Love,
k9

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora. The bewildering thing that is an alcoholics brain I - imo - do not believe that a non-alkie could EVER understand. I s'pose I should say 'for gods sake take the pill' - you know that's what you should do - but............ I dunno what to say to you really - just that I understand - and maybe - maybe if you could just do the 'forward thinking' thing - you know the one - how you feel after the buzz of the first drink or two - the sloppy tired feeling - the feelings of 'failure' and the horrible feeling tomorrow morning when you wake up and --- remember 'oh shit, I did drink'.
I'm sure that's no help at all Nora - but if you're feeling depressed now - oh - you'll feel a lot worse after drinking:l
Molly

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Come ON Nora......

[fennel]

Nora's journey

Nora...:l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Great comments!!!

K9 - I am setting myself up. Absolutely. So, I need to do the smart thing!

Molly - That really hit home with me. The truth is that I've been doing the forward thinking all day. And that is really helping me realize that I don't really want to drink.

Thank you all so much. :h Your comments really helped. Bottom line is that I have to decide to do this for myself. That is what I've been struggling with. The fact that I'm doing so much better and why isn't that good enough. But, if I let my guard down, I'll be right back where I was. Because with me - it's all or nothing.

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1318135 wrote: Great comments!!!

K9 - I am setting myself up. Absolutely. So, I need to do the smart thing!

Molly - That really hit home with me. The truth is that I've been doing the forward thinking all day. And that is really helping me realize that I don't really want to drink.

Thank you all so much. :h Your comments really helped. Bottom line is that I have to decide to do this for myself. That is what I've been struggling with. The fact that I'm doing so much better and why isn't that good enough. But, if I let my guard down, I'll be right back where I was. Because with me - it's all or nothing.

Oh Nora, that part 'doing it for myself' was a real EUREKA moment for me. Up to that, I was just keeping all around me happy by not drinking - and it worked up to a point --- but where that didn't work for me anyway - were the times when someone was annoying me - then 'sod them' - and I'd be off again, or if Joe was out for the night 'no one will know' - and I'd be off again!! and on and on -- but when you realise that NO goddamit - I - Me - MYSELF does not want to drink for so many reasons - health - physical and mental, self respect, energy, lack of depression, regaining joy in little things - and even sadness's - yeah - these days I nearly 'enjoy' feeling a bit sad, cos it's emotion, and I became emotionless in drink - just empty.
And every time I drank, it wasn't just the night or the weekend that I did drink - it just set me back right to square one and had to start that long haul all over again.
You sound like you've really come a long way Nora - and now by posting your 'demon thought' -- that's huge! I hope you decide to take the AB - but, as you say, it's your life - your decision. Sending:l
Molly

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

Nora,

It's all or nothing for me too...but "all" stopped working for me a LONG time ago! Molly, I can totally relate to your post about keeping others happy by not drinking. Sometimes I still have thoughts that I will drink when my daughter is at her dads...but why? I'm staying sober for ME, so why would it be okay just because she wouldn't see it? It wouldn't. But it's that old alkie thinking pattern that is hard to break. I know she used to worry that I was going to drink a lot when she was gone, she even said so. She doesn't even ask me anymore...she's a lot more solid in my quit than I am. lol

Anyways Nora, I am sending you strength. The fast forward thinking works for me, because what I turn into is not pretty!

:l K9

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

I'm very interested in what you say there K9 'she's a lot more solid in my quit than I am' - the funny thing is that I used to feel 'rock solid' in my quits on previous occasions - invincible - unwavering --- until I'd screw up again - I NEVER gave alcohol the respect (I use that term loosely) that it deserved - I never realised how powerful it was - and by essence, how powerless I was once I 'allowed' the thoughts.
This time -- I know my sobriety is a very very fragile thing - and to me anyway - that is a strength I have - just knowing how fragile it is, and how easy it would be to let everything go down the toilet - again.
Not sure if that's what you meant - but it resonated with me
And yes, the alkie thinking really is bizarre isn't it!!
Molly