Nora's journey

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

Sorry Nora --- just got thinking there with K9's post - didn't mean to hi-jack your thread:l
Hope you're ok now?

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Keep talking folks!!!! It all sounds so much like me.
Waiting for hubby to go out of town so that I can binge for a few days. (I'm never home alone - he doesn't work or drive. I am never alone.)
Doing this for hubby, son, etc. Trying to make everybody else happy.
I think that's what I was trying to say earlier when I said I have to do this for me. I have to want this with all my heart. That is the part that is wavering right now for me. I have to get back to remembering that I CHOSE NOT TO DRINK. Instead of thinking of it as I don't want to upset Scott.

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1318162 wrote: Keep talking folks!!!! It all sounds so much like me.
Waiting for hubby to go out of town so that I can binge for a few days. (I'm never home alone - he doesn't work or drive. I am never alone.)
Doing this for hubby, son, etc. Trying to make everybody else happy.
I think that's what I was trying to say earlier when I said I have to do this for me. I have to want this with all my heart. That is the part that is wavering right now for me. I have to get back to remembering that I CHOSE NOT TO DRINK. Instead of thinking of it as I don't want to upset Scott.

Oh yeah! And like you I was/am never alone - so the lure of unfettered drinking used to sound like heaven, couldn't get past that at all. I used to think Joe was controlling me and I resented that. Then they told him in the treatment centre that there was NOTHING he could do to stop me drinking - absolutely nothing. He said it was the most freeing thing anyone has ever told him, but funnily enough it was for me too. He just backed off - completely - no watching or wondering, no surreptitious sniffing my breath when I kissed him goodbye or hello --- nothing ---- so suddenly 'HE' was out of the equation, if I wanted to drink ---- so be it. That's when I started thinking that this is my business - my decision - when I now look at the consequences if I drink, it's not 'oh god he'll be mad' - it's 'do I want to feel like that, do I want the aftermath feeling truly rotten, anxious, sad, sick?'
It makes SUCH a difference. I hope that makes a bit of sense?
Molly:l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Molly - MAKES TOTAL SENSE! I need to think about this. But, what you said is really hitting home. I was so much happier in this decision a little bit ago. Because I was doing it for ME. I didn't want to drink so I wasn't. Lately, it has been that Scott doesn't want me to drink so I'm not. And with that comes all the stress & aggravation. Like, I'm trying to make him happy instead of worrying about what I want.
Wow - this really helps talking about it. Thank you so much. :l

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

It's a long old journey Nora - and I don't mean that in a cliched sense, but I find I'm still learning new things about myself, and my relationship with alcohol in the past on almost a daily basis. You're doing brilliantly you have more insight into this than I have I reckon, and I had the advantage of a stint in rehab. - don't ever get discouraged --- look back at where you were when you joined this site and where you are now.
And now I must away to bed - bloody work beckons in the morning --- it's been lovely chatting again!! Brings me back:l
Molly

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Molly....thank you SOOOOO much....you have been a huge help to me too.
I think, as women, we are conditioned to make everyone else happy and put everyone else first.
Maybe that's why the number of female alcoholics is skyrocketing.....and for women over 40 too.....

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

I have to say again. THANK YOU all for the wonderful discussion today. I feel better (mentally) than I have for days or weeks. Seriously, it helped me put things back into the perspective that I had before. I am certainly not at a point where I'm saying never again. But, those thoughts that have been circling my brain for days on end have calmed down. It just feels good to think that I don't want to drink. And, I'm not thinking about anybody else. Just thinking about me. It's like a weight has been lifted.

And - I just swallowed my antabuse. Because I wanted to. Not for anyone else. Great feeling.

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

Nora - I woke up and read your post - and honest to god - no bullshit - my heart sang just a little bit - actually quite a lot. You are a great ballsy woman - good on you - you've done what in truth I have yet to do. You have faced down a big 'doubting' moment - you've examined the question - and made your own decision - for you - lovely. And OF COURSE you're not saying 'never again' - how on earth could any single one of us on this site say that - we are alcoholics - end of. The day we say 'never again' is the day we are screwed cos we're not facing reality. That's the whole point of ODAT - today is the ONLY day we can deal with - and by god girl - you dealt with your day --- I'm inspired by you!
And Mama - how right you are - we ARE conditioned to keep them all bloody happy -- now's OUR time - reclaim our lives and take our own responsibilities -- big big part of the battle! We CAN do this you know - and it does get easier as the distance from the booze gets longer. Every time we let it back into our lives we lose our determination and our critical ability to deal with our lives in OUR way:l
Molly

[one2many]

Nora's journey




Remember, WE must always keep the keys to our own happiness in OUR hands and not give them away to someone else for we have no assurance that they will drive us where we most truly desire to go


Great posts on this thread guys xx

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

SO Proud of you Nora....I really am
and thanks again for the brilliant insight Molls and Oney

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

You guys sound good and strong, way to go Peeps!

I have to admit that last night was VERY hard for me for some reason. I REALLY wished I could drink. Despite all the shit and hell it has caused me, I wanted to drink beer. Now...there's no danger of it because of Antabuse, BUT I was very bothered by the desire. I guess it happens from time to time, but it was a little disheartening. I even had a dream that I did drink, and then in my dream I was writing on some wall "Starting Over Sucks!!!"....I guess that was my relapse grafitti. LOL Anyways, I woke up sober, non-hung, and happy that I made it. Thanks AB and of course my great friends here!

xoxo
K9

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

WOW K9...that is scary and weird.
I am attending a work related charity function for the weekend....out of town...no family...and everyone will be drinking....
I have plans to abstain...but it's gonna be tough....last year I drank in moderation, believe it or not...

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

5-18-12

I really appreciate all the support everyone. Last night I sat down with Scott and told him that I needed to talk to him. I told him that I had been talking to my group. I explained that this had to come from me. That I needed to stop worrying about pleasing him and concentrate on doing this because I wanted it. Not because I was worried about upsetting him. I told him what they had told Molly's husband at rehab. He just sat and listened to me. Then at the very end, I told him that I had taken my antabuse a couple hours before. He was so pleased he almost started crying. Anyway, I talked to him again today and asked him if he understood what I was talking about. That this is my journey, that it is my decision. He said that he understood. We shall see.

K9 - Sorry that you had hard thoughts last night. Boy, do I understand. :l

Mama - good luck this weekend. Stay strong. :l

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Oh Nora...I am so proud of you...and Scott. he must really love you, babe

[mollyka]

Nora's journey

Nora - that's fantastic - well done you - and yep, Scott as well, much as they can irritate us and get it wrong - it's hard for them as well to try and get it right! Just keep reminding him if he starts to over step the mark and eventually he'll 'get it'!
Molly