Nora's journey

[Juja]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1441013 wrote:
I'm almost scared because I'm doing so well right now. :H Waitiing for the depression/cravings/etc to hit. So, I'm trying to ready all my ammunition for when I need it.

Enjoy the good feeling, Sugar.:h

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-12-13

Sometimes I am so full of feelings......there is so much that I want to say....but I just can't seem to express it. I have been reading around the forum this morning. So many people are able to express themselves so eloquently. I wish that I had that.

There is so much great information here. Almost Free has a quote on her/his? signature line that is so true:
What you really enjoy in an alcoholic drink is not the drink itself, but the ending of the irritation of wanting that drink......" - Allen Carr

That is so true for me. Finally taking the drink ends the voices in my head. I'm certainly not drinking for the taste. I guzzle to get drunk.

I'm still having problems communicating with Scott. Yesterday at breakfast he asked me if I was still taking the AB. I told him that I'm trying not to. And, I asked him why. He said because he wants me to take it. Well - that irritated me....no, it pissed me off. It's not about what he wants. I have to decide! I have to do this for me, not to make him happy. Anyway, he got mad. I just get quiet and go into myself. That is how I deal with anger. I have got to learn how to respond and get my point/meaning across. I told him that I had taken a pill the day before and that I'm trying to take it only a couple times a week. By the time I said that, he was already angry and slamming things around. Yelled at me that he's trying to keep me from killing myself. Anyway, we're fine now but I just hate that this happened.

He had 4 Doctor appointments this week trying to figure out why he passed out last week. So, it's been stressful. The neurologist has told him to go back to the higher dosage of the seizure med. That makes him spaced out & irritable. So, not fun. He had the echocardiogram and the holter monitor this week. We go & get the results in a week. I honestly don't think it will show anything. It's just so random when he does this and I don't think the tests will show anything. The last time he passed out was in July. So, it's some type of syncopal episode but who knows why.

I'm still doing fine regarding the cravings. I am not really having any. Knock on wood. The only time I get anxious about it is when I think about the big picture. Never drinking again. Then, I feel like throwing my hands up in the air and saying forget it. So, I just concentrate on today. Nope - I'm not drinking today. Period.

I'm doing well right now. Just going to continue taking it a step at a time. That's all I need to do.

[Hippyman]

Nora's journey

startingover;665621 wrote: Hi Nora, its great that you are giving this a go.
May I suggest that you write down in graphic detail if need be, all the reasons you want to quit? So go through your most horrific drunken experiences and how you felt hungover etc. Then to balance stuff out, write down what you would like your life to be like when you are sober.
There is something about seeing the written word that is amazing for helping that resolve in tough times.
All the very best..

Writing it down is an excellent idea! When I decided to get sober I was so ill that I had a friend come stay with me to get me thru detox. He filmed me at my worse. I haven't seen it yet but if I ever consider drinking again I will look at that video first!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Running Courage made a great post. I wanted to put it down here so I can refer back to...

PARTY [pahr-tee]noun
1. a social gathering, as of invited guests at a private home, for conversation, refreshments, entertainment, etc.: a cocktail party.

Nope, no matter what way I look at, my parties-for-one were no social gathering. There were no invited guests. There was no spoken conversation. Little entertainment. Although there were refreshments...

But that's called "drinking" not "partying".

That sums up the majority of my drinking in the last 10 years. I want to remember this.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

1-26-03

Still taking the antabuse. I'm feeling like I want to drink but it's not an option now. To be honest, I can't explain how I feel. So, I'm about to ramble and see where I go......

I have not read or worked on the books that I got from Women for Sobriety. I need to really sit down & do that. I think that it would give me some useful information. One of the workbooks is a Self-Analyzers. In glancing at it, I can see that I really do need to sit down & go thru it. I don't have a very high opinion of myself. I think it's time to take a look at myself.

I think that a lot of my thoughts are along the lines of this sounds like never again. Which would not be a bad thing - would be a good thing. But, I am just not ready to admit that. I am doing fine with the not drinking. Scott hasn't changed. I'm still dealing with his moods and his illness. Still dealing with everything that I always dealt with. None of that is ever going to go away. I guess that a positive is that when Scott goes on tantrum or upset, I don't have to immediately feel guilty or blame myself. I didn't do anything. So, that is a positive. I'm sober so I don't have to worry if Casey would call & need me during the night. Or for any emergency for that matter.

I am making chanes for the better. I have started going thru the piles of papers/junk that I have been to overwhelmed to work on. I have started going thru my closet and already gave away a couple bags of clothes. I am signing up for my Zumba class that starts in February. I am spending more time with my family. Talked to someone about coming in & painting the inside of the house that will work with us with the cost.

Things are going ok. I need to stop overanalyzing. I am happy with all of the AF time that I have been racking up. I am not going to drink today. I took my antabuse today. I do not need to say that I am never going to drink again. I need to concentrate on the here & now. I see people's posts & motivation regarding never drinking again and I just am not there yet. Maybe I will be one day. But, for today........I am not drinking.

[Kradle123]

Nora's journey

NoraC;1451228 wrote: Still taking the antabuse. I'm feeling like I want to drink but it's not an option now. To be honest, I can't explain how I feel. So, I'm about to ramble and see where I go......

I have not read or worked on the books that I got from Women for Sobriety. I need to really sit down & do that. I think that it would give me some useful information. One of the workbooks is a Self-Analyzers. In glancing at it, I can see that I really do need to sit down & go thru it. I don't have a very high opinion of myself. I think it's time to take a look at myself.

I think that a lot of my thoughts are along the lines of this sounds like never again. Which would not be a bad thing - would be a good thing. But, I am just not ready to admit that. I am doing fine with the not drinking. Scott hasn't changed. I'm still dealing with his moods and his illness. Still dealing with everything that I always dealt with. None of that is ever going to go away. I guess that a positive is that when Scott goes on tantrum or upset, I don't have to immediately feel guilty or blame myself. I didn't do anything. So, that is a positive. I'm sober so I don't have to worry if Casey would call & need me during the night. Or for any emergency for that matter.

I am making chanes for the better. I have started going thru the piles of papers/junk that I have been to overwhelmed to work on. I have started going thru my closet and already gave away a couple bags of clothes. I am signing up for my Zumba class that starts in February. I am spending more time with my family. Talked to someone about coming in & painting the inside of the house that will work with us with the cost.

Things are going ok. I need to stop overanalyzing. I am happy with all of the AF time that I have been racking up. I am not going to drink today. I took my antabuse today. I do not need to say that I am never going to drink again. I need to concentrate on the here & now. I see people's posts & motivation regarding never drinking again and I just am not there yet. Maybe I will be one day. But, for today........I am not drinking.

Just love you Nora,
And ...
roud:

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Kradle - you are such a sweetie.....I love you!!:l

[Sunbeam]

Nora's journey

Nora, it is great you added your date in your signature line. I think you are not counting AF days so you don't think about not drinking so much, that makes sense to me. But it is great to acknowledge your daily achievements, and you are also doing that. Great work!

[RingingCedars]

Nora's journey

Hey Nora, beware the full moon. You ARE doing great. Keep your eyes on the prize!

[Alcoholic]

Nora's journey

Yes, Nora: you are doing great!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks friends so very much.:h:h I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to come here and get this support. You all really understand. Sometimes I just need to talk - let it out - ramble. This is the only place that I can do that. Thank you. :l

[sunshinedaisies]

Nora's journey

Oh, DEAR Nora - you know you can always come to any of us - don't you? you have my phone number? And my e-mail? feel free to ramble to me ANY time you want/need to!!!! I know how tough life can get - trust me ! Just hang in there my friend. I am here if you need me.

Love and hugs, Sun XXX

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

Nora.
I completely understand.
My job and finances are my stressors. When I tell people about some of the stuff I deal with at work, their mouths' fall open.
I don't know that I'll never drink again. But today I won't. I am learning to cope without numbing myself with booze.
I am a better person than I was when I joined here. I am more self-aware. I am sober and getting through each day the best I can.
And so are you. Bret can reduce me to tears with a look. I honestly don't know how you do it.
You are strong and amazing and I love and admire you.
I don't know if Scott was ill when you married him. If not, this is not what you signed up for. But you have stayed by his side taking care of him.
And we are all here by your side when you need us taking care of you
:h:l mama

[FlyAway]

Nora's journey

Nora I am really glad that you shared about your husband. That took real bravery. I admire you even more. You are in a tough situation and yet you are finding your way. :l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Aaahh friends - thank you. Your comments mean so much to me. Yes - it's hard sometimes. But, everyone has problems. Mine are not as bad as some and maybe a little worse than others. I am very blessed.
Scott's health problems started about 15 years ago. It has been a roller coaster ever since. I always come here to complain and share the bad side of him. I never tell you about the wonderful side. He is so loving. He does little things to show me that he's thinking of me. He picks a rose from our rose bush and will leave it in a vase for me. He will slip a love note in my lunchbag. He tells me he loves me everyday. He cares deeply about so many things. He is a very loving father/uncle/husband. Those are a few of the wonderful things about him. That side of him helps me keep going when I am dealing with the other side.