Nora's journey

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

6-17-13

Here I go again.......

I want to get back on track. I have been so lost lately. Is this what I want for my life? No - I don't. So, it's time to start again. Just a step at a time. I don't need to worry about an hour from now. Right now - I am not drinking.

I took my antabuse this morning. I kept trying to come up with reasons not to take it. Oh, it's going to be 4th of July soon. What if I want a beer. Oh, I'm still so sad with all the deaths in the family. What if I want a beer. Yes - I realize that they are all stupid reasons so I took the pill. Actually, it's going to be nice not having to worry about hiding a bottle or did I screw up.

So - I am here. Day 1.....

[Siren136]

Nora's journey

Great work, Nora! It's the small decisions in life that make us who we are. Anyone can make the right call on the big decisions. It's the little ones we make that no one knows about that are the most important.

Much love and many hugs for you, my dear

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thanks Siren. :l I'm just trying to get back to the better place. And I know that not drinking is going to get me there.

[Kimberley]

Nora's journey

Nora :l :l :l This popped up in my inbox, so I thought I'd stop by and say hello. The truth is that given where we are, one beer is never one beer. It's one beer, plus the rest of the beers, plus the guilt, shame, self-loathing. You're a lovely lady. This is not what you deserve. You deserve to feel happy, proud and free. Always, always play the tape forward. You know it's never worth it. Why ever do a Day 1 again? Xx

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

so proud of you love

[paulywogg]

Nora's journey

yay nora! after my slip up yesterday im on day 1 again too i guess,we can do it,why put ourselves through all the hassel of drinking anymore? you have all my support sweetie

[Sunbeam]

Nora's journey

Yahoo for day one!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

Thank you all.......it has reached the point where I just don't want to post. I seem to just keep repeating the same broken record over & over again. I'm sure everyone is tired of hearing it. I know that I'm tired of repeating it.

But, I told myself this morning that I have had major improvements. I had a huge backslide in the last 2 months. But, I was doing better before that. I am trying to get back to thinking about me......taking care of me. It is time to pull myself back up out of the hole.

I just got news a couple hours ago that they have rushed my cousin into surgery. They are trying to save his leg. I saw a picture of it.....it's black. :upset: He just got of the hospital a couple days ago and was doing so much better. Last night he was even talking to his sister about flying to see his Dad again (his Mom passed away 2 months after my Dad). His partner is going to keep my cousin here posted. I would appreciate prayers if you pray, or positive thoughts & energy flowing this way. I hove him so much and it was so great to finally connect with him again.

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora :l
Kimberley is right...would it be, or was it ever, just ONE beer? It never was for me. TTDP again tomorrow, and the day after and the day after....you can do this my dear friend.
Love you,
K9

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

ditto what K9 said....one day at a time....and post.....I feel the same way...I have sober stretches and then I drink....what's the point, right? WRONG
YOU HAVE COME A LONG WAY and you have had some major blows to your heart. And think of it this.....what is the option? You know if you don't quit, this demon will kill you, your soul and your family. You could get a DUI and go to jail like K9 and I did.
Come on baby girl......I am here with you every step of the way. Now TTFP

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

9-13-13

Well - I guess I'm ready to blow the dust off of this old journal and start again.

I really don't know where to begin.....I feel like a fake being here. I just can't seem to get my act together. Oh - for right now - it's together. But, I mean the big picture....permanently. I know, I know.....One Step at a Time. I tattooed that on my foot for goodness sakes, you would think I would remember it. :H

So, I am TTFP (taking the f****g antabuse) and so I'm not drinking. Now, I need to work on getting my mind set back to a good place. Where I am glad that I'm not drinking instead of relying on a pill. I'm working on it. I'm seeing my Therapist every 2 weeks. I am going to the gym about 3 times a week. So, I am taking steps.

I spent 5-6 months drinking almost daily. It didn't make anything better. It didn't bring my Dad back or my Uncle or my Aunt or my Cousin. It just postponed me from dealing with my feelings. So, it's time. I am going to deal with my feelings. I am giving myself permission to scream and cry and whine here in my journal. I am giving myself permission to be human and not perfect.

I am very worried about my husband. Something is wrong. He has been having very bad pain in his abdomen. We kept thinking it would get better. He is having an abdominal/pelvic CT scan in the morning. I hope that will finally give us answers.

Now for positive things in my life.....
My son finally got a good job that he likes. Working as a physical therapy aide, etc.
I am going to go see my Mom in November.
I am not drinking.

So - that is enough for right now. Taking it one step at a time. Working to get back to a positive place.

If anyone reads this, I do want to say - THANK YOU! Thank you all for the amazing support you have shown me thru the years. Especially thank you for all the love & support you have given me this year. It's been hard but you have helped me so much. :h

[Sunbeam]

Nora's journey

Hi Nora, I still check in here most days. I am glad you are back on the wagon, taking that pill. Are there any new strategies you are trying? Take care of yourself.

[Lavande]

Nora's journey

Welcome back Nora!

Sorry you have had such a rough time. AL is never helpful in any way, shape or form. It takes guts to face what life throws at us without self-medicating but it's something we can all do

Stay close to MWO, it's great source of strength, inspiration & support :l

Wishing you the best!

Lav

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

9-14-13

Happy Saturday....

Thank you so much Sun & Lav for your kind words. :l

Sun - I haven't come up with any strategies this time. I am just holding on. Going to the gym is being helpful to me. So, I'm glad I'm doing that. I just need to learn to stop using alcohol to numb things. I even told my therapist that now I know why I drank, it was so I didn't have to think.

Doing ok today. Took hubby for his ctt scan, had a nap, then went to the gym and then went grocery shopping. Now, I'm able to curl up with my Kindle.

Think I'll go in to work for a couple hours tomorrow. Get caught up on some stuff and then I can go to the gym afterwards.

Just going to keep things lowkey and take it a step at a time. That I can do......

[TheSunFlower]

Nora's journey

Nora congrats on making it through the days. I sometimes read the "One Step At A Time" thread and I know you have been through a lot.

Your comment on "not having to think" was spot on for me. My mind was always in overdrive as well. It still is but, in a much more positive way.

I too tried and failed so many times. I think many of us do....but, mine was for 10 freaking years! Knowing I had a problem and wanted to quit. Quit/relapse over and over again. I never want to go back to that.

I had saved a quote from here. It went something like: "I'd rather be an ex-drinker who occasionally wants to drink vs. a drinker who wants to quit all the time". Right now it doesn't feel like the thoughts will ever end.....but, they do.