Nora's journey

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-18-13

Ramble time.......

Mama - thank you for your friendship. I cherish it. :h

I was reading back a bit on my journey. The things I am feeling right now are things that I have posted about in the past. Nothing new........

I was reading around on MWO tonight and saw some posts. Made me think. People that were talking about how unhappy their marriages are. Just sort of stuck. And, the truth is that I feel like that sometimes. Sort of a feeling of - this isn't what I signed up for. :upset: Or maybe it should be 'This isn't what I was going to grow up & be.'

I do know that these feelings seem to come out when I have been sober for awhile. So, I think that I try to block them. I think that I need to try to examine them instead of shoving them back down because I know where that leads.

I love my husband. But, this is not the way I thought it was going to be. I need to let go of the fantasy and accept reality. He is never going to get better. His medical condition does seem to get worse with age. He is almost 59 years old now. He has chronic pain. I need to understand that he is not directing his pain/anger at me. That he is frustrated and it just comes out that way. I need to learn to enjoy the good moments. When he has a good day, I need to pay attention more and 'be' with him. I have gotten so in the habit of tuning out, that I need to try to be with him. Enjoy our time together. I need to tell him that if he is having a bad pain day that I don't want him to try to force himself to go out or to do things. It makes it harder on both of us. We will go to the store on another day. We will have a picnic on another day. We don't have to force it on a bad day.

I need to continue setting time for me. Continue going to the gym. Reading a book. Doing things that relax me and make me feel better.

I need to realize that I will always be the one working and trying to make ends meet. It is never going to change. So, I need to plan for that.

I need to learn to open up to him and tell him my feelings. He talked about joining the gym with me & my son. I don't want him to. That is MY time. That is my place. I need to try to explain to him that the gym is important to me. That if he wants to join, I'll take him but that we are separate. We will do our own things.

I am still taking the antabuse daily. Still having the random thoughts about stopping it. But, nothing major. Just a random thought. I need to be vigilant while I'm up in Oregon that keep taking it. Too easy to slide when I'm away. I think about drinking and it just doesn't seem that important. But, I know that I've thought that before.

I know that I have posted these things so many times. But, I need to see it written here once again. When I go back & look, I need to see this.

I am so blessed. I need to remember that.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-18-13

Funny - now I've started rambling and I can't shut up....:H

I was rereading a post by Mario -101 Things to Keep you Clean and Sober

Here's one that popped right out at me!!

Use a zero tolerance policy when it comes to self-pity. Never allow it for yourself ever again. Ever. It is poison.

Don?t ask ?why me?? Instead, ask ?how can I create the life I really want now??


That's a good one! My whole previous post was aobut self-pity and why me. Actually it seems like this whole journal is self-pity.

Time to snap out of it!!! I need to stop wallowing in self-pity. Sort of embarrasing to realize that is what I have been doing here. I apologize..... But, time to move on.

[Sunbeam]

Nora's journey

Whatever your thoughts, it is fine as long as you use them to take a step forward. That 100 things list was the tool I needed when I needed it. If you keep doing things on that list you will break free.

[Kradle123]

Nora's journey

Mario's right of course, Nora...our journals though... I view it not as a rambling mountain of self pity... I thinks that if we wrote all this stuff in a notebook and then hide it in the closet under lock and key, that would be perpetuating the secret life of shame and regret...
But instead, here we are letting it out and hopefully over and out as we get support and wisdom from our great people here...
That's how I see this. Took a looooooong time to get here...chances are its going to take a loooooong time to get out.

But being here cuts our struggle in half. IMO . Can you imagine doing all this stuff alone...shudder... :wow:

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-19-13

Sun - thank you! I forgot that you used Mario's list. :h

Kradle - thank you for that. I was so embarrassed when I realized that I just kept writing the same thing. But, the truth is that this is the place that I let it out. My ramblings do help me. It means that I am opening up and not suppressing things. And that means that I am not looking for ways to smother it - as in drinking.

So, I am going to continue my ramblings. I am going to continue working on ways to create the life that I want now.

I also realized that it doesn't have to be a major event. Small changes also lead me to the life that I want now. All these small steps in the right direction are helping me change how I see things. Looking at a better way.

Thank you both for posting to me. I was sad and embarrased but you have helped me.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

10-27-13

Well - haven't rambled for a week....

I passed out last Saturday morning and fell on my face. It was a bad experience but want to know the good thing? I was able to say that no, I don't drink. Of course, I had announced about 5 times that I was on antabuse (scared that something would interact with it). Finally, one of the paramedics in the ambulance told me, ok - we won't put alcohol in your IV. :H Made me laugh.

Another good thing is that all the heart tests came out fine. After hours in the ER and a night in the hospital. The cardiologist just thinks that it probably had something to do with my inner ear infection. My Doctor has changed my antibiotic and started me on steroids. Hopefully, that will help. I see an ENT on November 5. So, the diagnosis I have is Syncope collapse....which just means I passed out.

Have been able to get back to the gym in the last 3 days though. I like that. I'm still surprised by how much I enjoy the gym. Never thought I would say that.

Going up to Oregon in 2 weeks. I cannot wait to be with my Mom. Just counting the days. I need to be extra viligant to stay on the antabuse while I'm up there. I have to make sure that I don't convince myself that I don't need it. I have been doing well & positive. I don't have many of the stinking thinking but I want to be sure to have the antabuse in my system. I know that I'm going to be so sad when I say goodbye to my Mom and that would give me an easy excuse to say screw it. So, that is my plan.

I sure have been sticking close to this forum. Everyone is such a great help here. It's wonderful to have such support.:h

[gettinitright]

Nora's journey

Love you Nora! You get me through each day

[Kradle123]

Nora's journey

Nora I was just rolling with the Ambulance guy!! :H

I'm not diggin this Falling On You Face last week though even if it's an inner ear....:l it's amazing how delicate the body can be...a small canal with some tiny bones and some fluid can stop you in your tracks and yet...all the stuff we put in our bodies ove the years...and we are still barreling through it :l

I'm so happy for you and your mom. This is just enormous fortune for you. Whatever else you've struggled with, my dear Nora, you won the parental lotto! That s huge.
Give mom a hug for me...:l

Love you, :h

[K9Lover]

Nora's journey

Hi Sweet Nora!

I'm so happy you get to see your Mom in a couple of weeks! My parents literally live 2 blocks from where I work, I really need to stop by more often. It's THEIR social lives that make it difficult...they are 2 busy bees with all their friends and stuff. LOL My life is boring compared to theirs.

Kradle - My dad lost all hearing in his left ear 2 months ago (some disorder called sudden sensory...something) and he still can't balance 100%. So it's not only the loss of sound, but the loss of balance too...poor guy. If anyone can stay positive it's him...sometimes we holler at him and say "It's OK to say you don't feel good once in a while!" LOL Love that guy :h

Nora - Was the ambulance guy cute? I have to ask you know.ha. Last week I was notarizing some paperwork for a new police officer and he was QUITE cute. I managed to get part of his life story out of him as I was (slowly) completing the documents. I wanted to say "Hey I'll see you over at PD soon!"....WISHFUL THINKING!

Hang in there my dear sweet lady....you are a treasure around here :h

[Kradle123]

Nora's journey

K9 I was goingtoention that you really need to 'make some GA-NECTIONS...' over there at the ol PD..this guy sounds like perfect sa...um...guy for the job!!

Sending positive law enforcement energy your way...:l

[mama bear]

Nora's journey

all I can say is I Love You!

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

11-1-13

Another rambling session...........

First of all - thank you for your sweet comments to me. Means so much. :h

I went and saw my regular GP on the 22nd. We discussed me meds, etc and she commented that took a lot of meds and that I needed to be careful. (Talking about me taking sudafed and if there would be an interaction) So, we talked and I asked if I should stop one and it was decided to stop the Wellbutrin. I asked how to stop and she said just take it every other day. Well, that is when I was still feeling awful from passing out and from the inner ear infection. So, I ended up just not taking it anymore. Didn't notice any side effects so no biggie.

Well, from my post from 5 days ago, I had done a complete 180. The past 3 days have been HARD. Exhausted, moody, craving alcohol, overeating, not interested in the gym, not interested in anything. I just didn't know what was wrong with me. So, started thinking about it today.

Lightbulb moment here. :duh: I have been having withdrawals from the antidepressant. I am such an idiot! So, I am back on my med. I will talk to my psychatrist in January and see about TAPERING off. No more messing with my meds by myself!!

Thank you Mama Bear for telling me not to mess with my meds. You are the one that made me start thinking about it.

So, I'm sure I'll be ok in a day or two. I'm just relieved. I had been thinking about stopping the antabuse. A week ago, I was saying how happy I was and that I was going to be vigilant.

So - back to being positive.

[FlyAway]

Nora's journey

(((((Nora))))) I'm worried about you wanting to quit the Antabuse. :l

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

11-3-13

Thank you so much Fly. :l I'm in a much better frame of mind now. Still on the antabuse and plan to continue with it. I just can't believe how low I slipped in just a couple days time.

Not much going on here. Just excited for my trip up to Oregon on Saturday. Getting all set for that. That's about it for me.

[NoraC]

Nora's journey

11-5-13

I am just so up & down lately. Not really down but .....

I am so happy to be going to see my Mom on Saturday. Looking forward to it so much. I miss her and just can't wait to be with her. But, this is going to be my first vacation without my Dad. I was up there in April for my Aunt's memorial but that was a weekend trip and a lot of people. It is not the same as my annual vacation trip. I've been thinking about him and just am going to miss him. But, I have wonderful memories.

We always would play dominoes. He was much better than me. But, when I would win, he would act like a kid - "Don't ask me to play this game anymore". :H Of course, in a couple hours, he would be saying - "Well are you going to play or what". He would set the fire for me everyday. Have it all ready for me by the time I got up each morning. So, every evening, I would light the fire in their fireplace. He always gave me a hard time about not eating meat, but he always had vegetarinan items there. He would read the labels to make sure that there was no meat in it. Scott still gets the mail out of mailbox here everyday because I miss opening it up and having a letter from my Dad in there. Actually, I still haven't read the last letter that he sent me. I will probably do that soon. It has been almost 9 months now. But, that ache is still there. That empty place in my heart.

Mom is so happy for me to get there. Her memory is getting worse now. She is having problems remembering how to use the phone and little things like that. There has been a definite decline in her memory. I called tonight and she picked up the phone and said hello my darling daughter like she does. And I said hello my wonderful Mother. But, she couldn't hear (she has to have it on speaker phone to hear and she picked up the broken one). So, I don't know if she tried to put it on speaker or get another phone or what. But, I finally hung up to call her back and the phone was busy. She forgot to hang it up. My brother wasn't home at the time and I called him to tell him. So, when he got home, the phone was still off the hook. She never mentioned anything to him so I guess she forgot. I would rather that she forget than be upset or worry that she forgot something. I just want her to be happy and not worry. A couple years ago, she would get frustrated and upset because she couldn't remember. But, now, it seems like she is ok. I hope that it stays that way.

My brother will leave on Saturday for a mini vacation. He'll be back a few days before I come home. I am just so grateful that he is there to take care of her. I ask her to come & move in with me but she is happy there. That is where she needs to stay.

My FIL is still in the skilled nursing facility. They do seem to have him up more now. So, hopefully, he will be released soon. We are very worried about him. Don't know how he'll be able to go back home & live alone. But, my Sister-in-law has been talking to him about assited living for a year and he is adamant that he doesn't want that. I imagine that Scott will have to go up there once he does get released. Try to help him get settled. The problem is that my FIL is alcoholic. So, he gets home and starts up on the drinking again. Pretty much drinks from about 10:00 am until he goes to bed. Not to the point of falling down drunk. But, his glass of whiskey or vodka in the morning with a couple ice cubes. Then probably a bit more. Then he takes a nap. Wakes up and has his afternoon drink and then his before dinner cocktail, his during dinner cocktail, his after dinner cocktail. Every day. Scott has talked to him repeatedly about cutting back. But, he is almost 90 years old. He has no interest in cutting back or stopping.

I'm still taking the antabuse faithfully. I have thoughts about drinking but then when I think it thru it sort of loses its appeal. That's a big step for me. The other times when I have stopped drinking, I would think about when I was going to drink again. I can't say that I'm not doing that now but it seems that it's not such a 'romantic' picture. It seems to be a mental image of the drunk feeling, the empty bottles, the waking up feeling awful, the remorse and just negative images. Interesting - maybe I am finally getting it thru my thick skull that I don't want to drink.

Well - that's too much to think about it. Today I am not drinking. I will leave it at that.